Although the following account is rather long (It had to be to provide a clear picture of what is happening), I hope you will not feel my little jape too childish, or my tone too roguishly insensitive to the greater perils of the jovial complicity of the circumstances. I have never been one to put a lot of stock into government conspiracies, and I have generally attributed such conspiracies as little green men held hostage in Area 51 and government brainwashing through common core state standards to human paranoia. However, a little witticism interlaced with conspiracy can sometimes be a fun thing. However, fun or not, I am not the type person who goes looking for such things, but when it is lying in the open on Facebook for anyone to see who will open his or her eyes, it is hard to ignore or disregard it. However, you may find this article somewhat platitudinous, but since when is anything written on conspiracies not platitudinous.
Over the past thirty years, there has been greater change in human behavior than in all previous human history. We have witnessed an entire psychic change that has eroded our confidence in who we are, perverted our search for spiritualism, and clouded our very reason for living. People have changed, but why? Some say it is because of the lack of moral principles, too much connectivity through social media, the pressures of living in a politically correct society, or simply sensory overload brought on by the explosion of the digital information age. Any one of these could be responsible and all are indeed contributing factors, but the facts point to something even more sinister – the government’s secret agenda to take over our minds. This is not just another contrived conspiracy theory found on the pages of Facebook; this is for real. The first clue to its authenticity is a government document called Agenda 8447-47-2-5653 that was originally issued as a top-secret document in 1983. The original document was so top-secret that the government used a DTMF (dual-tone multi-frequency signaling) code to encrypt it. The agenda called for a government-funded plan to take over the minds of citizens of the United States. The strategy consisted of three phases: Phase 1 – Depriving the human brain of intellectual stimulation (Although Phase 1 was implemented experimentally prior to 1983, it did not really take off until around 1999), Phase 2 – Molecularly reconstructing the brain (Phase 2 was put into operation in November 1983), and Phase 3 – Depriving the brain of its primary energy source (Like Phase 1, Phase 3 actually began experimentally as far back as the 1960’s, but it did not become an official government tool of control until 1983). Basically the idea was to starve American brains and create a population with defecated waste for brains. The plan actually worked to perfection in the 2000, 2008, and 2012 presidential elections.
Think about it for a moment. With television, video games, social media, computers, and cell phones stagnating any significant intellectual stimulation, phase one of Agenda 8447-47-2-5653 was accomplished quite easily. Through electronic imagery flashing continuously in front of our eyes, electronic media plugged into our ears, and social media daily shaping and reshaping what we think and believe, the human brain has been effectively shut down. We are no longer required to think or reason, but rather we have become sponges absorbing whatever is fed to us by and through the media. We have been programmed to look at what we see on the tube, hear spoken into our earphones or printed on the computer screen in front of us as the pure and undeniably gospel truth. Intellectually we have settled nicely into a comfort zone of irrationality and passive submissiveness. As a society we are out to lunch, and there is no evidence we will ever be back.
However, even without nurturing and meaningful intellectual stimulation, there are those who maintain with some degree of accuracy that the brain can still effectively function and experience a certain degree of independence as long as there is an adequate supply of oxygen as well as an adequate source of energy. Therefore, to manipulate and control the biophysical aspect of free will, the government has been successfully controlling the quality of oxygen and glucose (the brain’s favorite energy source) people receive for decades. It is important at this point that you take a deep breath, and clear your mind before continuing. What you are about to read in the following paragraphs will shock and shake the very foundation of your existence as a human being,
When it comes to oxygen supplied to the brain, our government is the largest non-commercial manipulator of oxygen supplies in the world. For decades government guidelines have regulated the air/oxygen content ratios introduced into homes, schools, businesses, shopping malls, convention centers, etc. through the air conditioning and heating units that continuously blow into our private and commercial buildings. Every air conditioning unit or heating unit built and issued in the United States since 1983 is equipped with a small electronic dispenser called a molecularcerebrumhypercolator or MOLE that injects microscopic molecules into the air each time the unit is activated. Over time, these percolated molecules become addictive and eventually cause the brain to slip into a catatonic coma. Why do you think that over the past three decades children have ventured outside to play less and less? The reason is simple! They have become addicted to the ionized brain regeneration particles that are injected into the air each time an air conditioner or heating unit turns on. Due to these microscopic particles that are continuously swirling around in our homes, churches, and shopping malls, a child’s brain develops a hunger for the particles to the point that a child subconsciously is repulsed by fresh air from outdoors, which means they seek indoor recreation in the forms of television, computers, cell phones, and video games. These particles also cause an unexplained side-effect in children. After prolonged exposure, many children experience a crippling phobia that causes them to fear the possibility of not being in the room when an adult conversation ensues. The thought of being elsewhere (such as outside) when two or more adults are engaged in an adult conversation causes severe anxiety attacks in many infected children.
However, even with behind the scenes government involvement in brain stimulation (video games, cell phones, etc.) and brain oxygen additives (MOLE), the government is wise enough to understand that to truly control the human mind; they must control the major energy source to the brain, which is glucose. The brain uses approximately 20% of the body’s energy, and glucose is the fuel that supplies energy for all cells in the body. When glucose is in short demand, the body and the brain can utilize carbohydrates, but even with an abundance of carbohydrates, when the glucose minimum in the brain drops below 30 grams, the brain enters into a catatonic state of consciousness – a glucose deficient coma. The symptoms of a person in such a walking coma are easy to recognize: pale almost gray complexion; blank “nobody at home” eyes; since eye sight is greatly impaired in such a state, infected individuals often walk with their arms stretched out in front of them to act as a buffer from running into objects; also, related to their impaired vision, the clothes and grooming of infected individuals tends to be disheveled; and often but not always the infected individual will walk with a slight or in more severe cases a more pronounced dragging of the right leg. Although similar in appearance, please do not confuse these individuals with “the walking dead,” they are NOT DEAD, so NEVER resort to shooting them in the head with shotguns or any other projectile emitting device if and when they invade your personal space. If you do, you can be charged with murder. (Please, refer to later information on how to bloodlessly avoid infected individuals.)
The good news is that most people consume enough glucose related fuels in their normal diets each day to prevent such a glucose coma from occurring. In fact, most diets of Americans are so jam-packed with carbohydrates and sugars, the chances of dropping into such a coma are very slim unless an individual suffers from some sort of physical disorder. Therefore, the government has tapped into the physiological needs of the brain for glucose through the help and intervention of the United States Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Through the work of the CDCP, minute doses of glucose degenerative antigens (gda) have been administered to the general public through vaccines, sugar restrictive diets, and congestive nasal sprays for decades. Over time, these antigens build up in the brain until the antigen mass is large enough to biologically trigger a normally dormant enzyme called Monosaccharide Acid that resides in the frontal lobe of the cerebrum. This enzyme is basically a glucose carnivore that eats any glucose in the brain in excess of 30 grams. Once the glucose level drops below 30 grams, the enzyme becomes inactive and remains inactive as long as the 30 grams mark is not breached. Over the years, as the buildup of these antigens rises, glucose levels in human brains begin to fluctuate wildly, which explains the erratic behaviors many people sometimes witness in the people around them. Eventually though, the brain will be reprogrammed to believe that the correct functional glucose level is 29 grams or less. This accounts for the fact, that in just the past few years, we have begun to see more and more people shuffling through life in a brainless state of consciousness. Initially this was especially true for individuals involved in the world of education.
Why in the beginning were people involved in education more likely to succumb to this condition? This is a phenomenon that no one can really explain, but prior to 2008 ninety-five percent of the documented infections involved teachers, principals, students, or parents of children ranging from age four to twenty-two. However, today, the percentage of the infected connected to education has dropped to seventy percent, which illustrates that there has been a rise in the number of infected individuals outside of education. The only explanation for this phenomenon from the scientific community has been a supposition that due to the stress people connected to education experience, they are more susceptible to fall victim to the government takeover of the human brain. Their research seems to indicate that stress leads to an earlier and briefer incubation period.
Recently, there was an article in U.S. Worldwide Report about the epidemic rise in the number of sightings and interactions with glucose deficient individuals. The report referred to infected individuals as ZOMBIES! When I first read this, I was shocked and outraged that a tabloid such as the U.S. Worldwide Report would embrace such a nonsensical science fiction notion as zombies. However, after a couple of very unpleasant encounters of my own with individuals that can only be described as mentally incapacitated, I have come to agree with their assessment.
As ludicrous as it sounds, zombies are real, and they are as close as your neighborhood schoolhouse, but very little has been said about them in our politically correct society. The CDCP has shied away from making a big deal out of the growing number of zombies walking our streets, but several local communities have actually declared local emergencies and even set up quarantine areas for infected people. However, to date, the closest thing to an emergency statement or quarantine from the Federal government has been a cautionary warning or advisory sent to state governors advising them that uninfected persons should take every precaution when dealing with infected persons. In a follow-up to Agenda 8447-47-2-5653 the government issued Agenda 8447-47-2-5653A in which CDCP outlined guidelines for recognizing and coping with the infected.
However, it appears that shortly after Agenda 8447-47-2-5653 was issued in 1983, CDCP had a sudden change of heart and actually tried to warn and prepare states for what was to come. In February 1983, CDCP issued potential zombie alerts in a coded appendix to a report entitled A Nation at Risk. The document was rightly recognized as a warning that the nation’s schools were failing to adequately prepare children for the work force, and it touched off waves of local, state, and national education reforms. However, in the rush to jump on the education reform bandwagon, the coded appendix was overlooked and as a result the true purpose of the report was lost, but it was not entirely the fault of hasty legislators. Unknown to anyone outside the CDCP, the appendix contained a detailed though coded account of Operation Mindscape, the government plan supported by Agenda 8447-47-2-5653 to take control of the nation’s population through zombination. Coupled with the absence of an official memorandum to bring attention to the appendix and a distribution error by the CDCP, the real purpose of the A Nation at Risk report was overlooked. What happened to cause the oversight? The code wheels needed to decipher the appendix code were mistakenly issued in Cracker Jack and cereal boxes around the nation rather than fastened to the inside covers of the reports that were sent to each state legislator. After the discovery of the mistake, it was 2001 before the government re-released the alert as a supplement to the No Child Left Behind Act, but by then Operation Mindscape had already been leaked to most state legislatures across the nation, who much to the dismay of President George W. Bush didn’t seem to care at all. In fact, most state legislators across the nation were delighted with the news; the idea of a possible zombie work force intrigued them. Therefore, when President Barack Obama signed the 2010 Zombie Right to Work Act into law, the governors in every state quickly embraced the new law, and zombies were heralded as the answer to business and government prayers for a cheap labor force – especially in education. As a result, zombie teachers quickly became the preferred teacher in all 50 states and the District of Columbia (Today, zombie teachers account for approximately 25% of the teacher workforce in the United States, and the percentage increases yearly). Why? One word. Economics. In fact, a complete list of why state legislatures preferred to hire zombie teachers was compiled in 2011 by the National Governors Association. As can be seen in the list below, the NGA heralded zombies as very attractive teacher candidates for states struggling with escalating education budget demands.
National Governors Association
Benefits of Hiring a Zombie to Teach
1. GDA induced zombies are not a threat to children, and they are only marginally so to other teachers and administrators. GDA induced zombies can be effective teachers if the school takes precautions to secure vending machines that tend to cause sugar anxiety attacks in GDA zombies. For this reason, vending machines in many schools were eliminated or restricted to non-sugar products a few years ago.
2. Zombies do not have any use for money, so they do not care about pay raises.
3. Zombies do not argue or question.
4. Zombies do not complain about working conditions as long as they are fed regularly. School districts that employ zombies are eligible to receive free special canned government commodities especially packaged for zombie consumption.
5. Zombies are very capable of distributing handouts and conducting direct instruction in the classroom.
6. Zombies are good at video games; therefore, they relate well to kids.
7. Zombies do not have to take restroom breaks. Scientists speculate that the reason is that zombies sweat profusely.
8. Zombies cannot tell time, so they do not mind working long hours.
9. Zombies are covered by the 2010 Zombie Right to Work Act, so unions have little to say about their working conditions, work hours, pay, or duty schedules.
10. Zombies are recyclable. The professional career expectancy for a zombie educator is three to five years before they become bored and move on to other careers. However, the same expectancy for longevity can be applied to their new career, so the odds are good that within three to five years, the zombie will return to the field of education even though many of them will return as superintendents or principals rather than classroom teachers. Although this may sound harsh, zombies make excellent educators dead or alive. A little publicized fact is that when a zombie dies there is a seventy-five percent chance he or she will return within a very short time as a “walking dead.” Since there is no distinction between a GDA Induced zombie and a “walking dead” zombie in the 2010 Zombie Right to Work law, “walking dead” zombies have the same rights as GDA zombies when it comes to applying for work as an educator. In effect, the zombie pool of educators never dies.
Zombies can make a lot of sense in a struggling school district, but like most teachers, they can come with their own unique baggage. In the end, however, the question is no longer “Are zombies real?” but rather “How do we deal with zombies?” This last question is of growing concern as more and more zombie families move into local communities and enroll their children in community schools. Now that Operation Mindscape is in full force after an overly long incubation period of thirty years, zombies can be found just about everywhere. They come in all forms – lawyers, doctors, business men and women, blue-collar workers, military, preachers, etc. and of course anyone connected to education. In our politically correct world, it is safe to say zombies do not discriminate when it comes to vocation, race, politics, or religion. As a result, zombies are becoming a major part of our communities and with care and caution can even become a part of our social circles.
Though the zombie threat is very real, there is little reason for uninfected individuals to panic and run for the hills. Although zombies should be dealt with cautiously, they are more of a nuisance than an actual physical threat (Of course, “the walking dead” are an altogether different matter). You do not have to like zombies, but the chances are good that there are one or more zombies where you work, where you socialize, and even in your family. Therefore, it is important that we learn to live together in love and respect for one another regardless of whether we drag our right leg or not. Zombiism is not going away, and within the next twenty years or so zombies will more than likely become the dominate species on the planet walking on two legs. The CDCP sums it up rather nicely in their guidelines, How to Maintain a Positive Relationship with Zombies, when they state,
“Whether the government had a role or not in the rise of the zombie in the United States is no longer an issue worth debating. The fact is that zombies are here, and citizens must learn to live and cope with them on a daily bases. It is important for citizens to understand that zombies are not zombies by choice, but rather they are zombies due to factors beyond their control. Therefore, it is wise as a society if we put our prejudices aside and embrace zombies for who they are rather than for who we would like for them to be. You cannot catch zombiism from an infected person unless the infected person is a “walking dead” in which case you should avoid being bitten at all costs. However, encounters with the “walking dead” are extremely rare except for in places such as New Jersey and Mexico. Also, a little known fact is that if a person has not shown signs of zombiism prior to his or her 22nd birthday, the possibilities of becoming a zombie unless bitten by the “walking dead” are extremely remote.
This statement is not intended to dehumanize a person who succumbs to zombiism, but rather the statement is intended as reassurance that the human race is not yet in line for extinction. However, it is important for humans to understand that zombies are one-dimensional; they live in a perpetual state of agitation and hunger. Therefore, it is best to avoid them as much as possible, but sometimes interaction is unavoidable. In preparation for such times, it is important for non-infected humans to study the CDCP guidelines for recognizing and coping with our zombie friends. By following the guidelines set forth in Agenda 8447-47-2-5653A, there should be no reason whatsoever why zombies and humans cannot live together in harmony.”
©Jack Linton, March 23, 2014
How to Recognize and Deal with a Zombie Parent
(Coming next week)