Recently, a Clemson University student, Mackenzie Pearson wrote a school article that went viral. In the article she proclaimed, “Girls are all about that dad bod.” According to Miss Pearson, “dad bod” is the guy who is “softly round” and pudgy around the middle, and instead of having a fit “six- pack” sculpted body, he drank the six-pack. She proclaims many women find these guys to be the ultimate sex symbols. They are the guys women want the most! Why? I haven’t the slightest idea, but maybe, the “dad bod” says the man is confident in who he is and he is ready to settle down to Saturday nights at home with the wife and kids and a good down to earth Chuck Norris movie high kicking its way across the TV screen. Maybe, it says I don’t mind drinking an occasional beer with the boys, but I would just as soon make a beer run to the Seven-Eleven and come home to cuddle with my wife. Maybe, women are finally tired of competing with self-adoring chiseled men who are more concerned with pumping iron in the gym and primping in front of the mirror than they are paying attention to their woman. Or, maybe, women have finally come to their senses and are ready to settle down with a real man who wants nothing more than to be left in peace with his Pillsbury Dough boy rolls, a soft couch to relax on, a beer to sip on, and a woman he turns on.
For women, it seems the appeal of the “dad bod” lies more in what it represents than what it looks like, and for that I applaud women. It is nice to read that the younger female generations are finally becoming aware of the advantages and finer points of slothiness, languidness, and the virtues of a fully pumped figure. The realization that there are women who truly appreciate a man’s girth brings tears to my eyes. It is beyond comprehension that there are actually women who would love to sit on my sofa twirling a slender finger in the abyss of my rather cavernous navel button while sharing a large Pizza Hut New York pizza and watching the big game. That is the dream of every substantially hefty man in America. Although it completely defies all universal logic, it does prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is a God and that Heaven can truly exist on earth even for pudgy guys.
However, where was Miss Pearson during the height of my pudginess? Where was she or someone like her when I was in my twenties and thirties and could have benefited most from her startling revelation? Of course, she had yet to be born, but surely there was someone out there – her mother, grandmother, or a close family friend – who had similar ideas of the perfect man and could have made the “dad bod” announcement years ago. Unfortunately, she came along far too late for me and the countless other “dad bods” of my generation who languished unjustly in obscurity. I can only imagine what a little more female sensitivity toward chunky male bodies would have done for my generation’s self-esteem.
The “dad bod” notoriety I was denied as a young man really troubled me for a couple of days after I read the article, but then one night as I was eating supper in front of the television, I dropped a peperoni pizza slice from my plate and my world was forever changed. My wife and I jumped at the same time; she had just vacuumed and mopped the floor that afternoon and my tumbling peperoni slice was about to make a mess of her hard work. We both closed our eyes and cringed in anticipation of the dull squishing spatter of the pizza slice splashing against the floor. No sound! Absolutely, no sound at all! Then my wife began to point at me; a smile of relief spreading across her face. There lying face down on my shirt was the pizza slice. Like a slab of granite breaking loose and sliding and tumbling down the face of a mountain slope, it had caught on the plateau of my portly belly and stopped. My “table muscle” my “granddad belly” had saved me from the dog house!
Beginning that very moment I was on a crusade. Like Miss Pearson, I had made a revolutionary discovery. As I scraped pizza sauce from my shirt, my mission on earth became clear. Like the “dad bod,” which granted a new lease on life to every twenty to thirty-five year old, slightly out of shape, chubby round guy in America, I wanted to do the same for older guys. I wanted to take the uplifting “dad bod” trend one step further! That day, it became my mission to awaken America to the next logical step in the evolution of male sexiness – the “granddad bod!” If women think slightly spongy dad bods are sexy, I reasoned they would go absolute bonkers over the slightly sagging jowls and overlarge cushy bellies of countless granddads across America. Therefore, I launched the “Granddad Bods are Sexy” campaign to change how America looks and thinks about sexy.
As a result, I am busy signing sponsors to help promote and put the words “granddad bod” on the tip of every man and woman’s tongue across the nation. Info commercials will soon go into production for granddad bod essentials such as red and white checkered tablecloths known as “Gut Covers” that are precision cut to fit granddad bellies, deodorized granddad bod boxers that can be worn at home or on the beach, a deodorant soap called “Old Leather,” and a cologne that female test monkeys completely flipped over called “Essence of Yesterday’s Shower.” I am in negotiations with Coleman Campers and Tents to develop a line of breathable tent wear that can be worn casually or to more formal all you can eat buffets. I am also developing two training courses, “How to Utilize your Granddad Bod to its Fullest Potential” and “The Sensitive Side of the Granddad Bod.” My goal is to have the products and courses available to the public by mid-summer. In addition, my wife is developing her own training course designed specifically for women, “How to Feed, Clean and Care for the Granddad Bod in Your Family.” Both of us are excited to share our first-hand knowledge about granddad bods and to do our part to help America become more aware of this national treasure.
In the meantime, if you have any questions regarding the granddad bod, or if you have some granddad bod tidbits you would like to share, please do not hesitate to write and let me know. Putting granddad bods on a pedestal in every home in America is my ultimate goal, so your input is greatly appreciated. The great thing about granddad bods is that given time, limited exercise, and a restrictive diet of fats and carbohydrates, any male can have a granddad bod. And, don’t think for a moment my wife and I have forgotten the ladies; the blueprint for the “Grandma Bod” is on the planning table complete with varicose veins, lower back problems, choices of blue, silver, or white hair color, and sags in all the right places. We plan to put sexy back into the lives of granddads and grandmas across America, and we are so confident we can do it that we have alerted law enforcement to possible riots in the streets if enough granddad and grandma bods are not available to fill the expected demands of younger generations. It is time for granddads and grandmas everywhere to rev up our engines and get back in the sexy game! With granddad and grandma bods, you are never too out of shape to be SEXY!
©Jack Linton, May 31, 2015