The Pros and Cons of the Granddad Bod

The outpouring of support for the “Granddad Bods are Sexy” campaign has been unbelievable! It has been great hearing from people who are so enthusiastic about granddad bods. Whether they are registered granddad bods themselves, they are interested in developing and refining their granddad bod, or they have a granddad bod in the family they want to understand better, they have all expressed a common interest in the creation, maintenance, and preservation of the granddad bod as the national treasure it deserves to be. The public response has confirmed what we have always believed: Granddad Bods are Sexy, and it is time we let the world know it!

While most people who have written seem to enjoy a sweet awareness and understanding of the granddad bod, there have also been a few who have written requesting more information about granddad bods such as Jeemal Coopersfield of Pandersville, New Jersey. Jeemal wrote, “I am 22 years old, and I love my granddad. Lately, he has been in the dumps and very negative about everything, so I have been looking for something that might pep him up and make him feel better about himself. When I read your article, “Granddad Bods are Sexy,” I thought this might just be the thing for him. But, before I approach him with your article and get his hopes up, I would like to know the pros and cons of the granddad bod. Is it for everyone?” That is a very relevant question, especially for younger generations concerned for granddad’s happiness, or who have one of those increasingly rare (thank goodness) thin granddads who would benefit greatly by beefing up his lifestyle. I say increasingly rare since the latest health care trends show phenomenal growth in the heftiness of Americans.

I would like to believe my new cookbook, Nourishment for the Granddad Bod, has contributed to America’s prodigious commitment to portliness. My cookbook is a must for every granddad bod and granddad bod admirer. In it, there are over one-hundred high carbohydrate, high fat content recipes guaranteed to fluff up any body type. There is even a chapter on “How to Not Exercise” contributed by some of America’s top granddad bods. There are also such mind boggling waist expanding chapters as “Don’t be Afraid to Use Extra Butter,” “The Cleansing Power of Grease,” “When Furniture Breaks: The Sign of Success,” and my personal favorite, “Never Have Another Meal without Biscuits and Gravy.” Users of my cookbook will discover why using pure girth expanding ingredients such as animal lard and bacon grease when cooking will greatly increase their chances of obtaining that perfect granddad bod.

Please forgive me for the blatant boasting and marketing, but I get excited talking about the granddad bod and the changes it has brought into my life and the lives of fans across the nation. I am not here to sell or brag although I guess that is what I have been doing (once again, please forgive me). I am writing today for two reasons: to thank everyone for their interest in and support of the campaign and to bring clarity to the phenomenon of the granddad bod by answering questions such as the one Jameel asked. Such questions are important. The better people understand the granddad bod and its simplistic complications and needed accommodations the sooner granddads like Jeemal’s will perk up and get back into the swing of life. So, after giving deep thought to Jeemal’s question, I would like to answer him with a thorough listing of the pros and cons of the granddad bod. Thanks for asking, Jameel.

Pros and Cons of the Granddad Bod

Pros

Cons

There is more to love! Granddad bods quantify love by inches and pounds. Transporting granddad bods can be cumbersome and problematic unless you have ready access to winches and block and tackle.
Granddad Bods are characterized by an overlarge cushy belly perfect for cuddling. Visions of Java the Hut cradling Princess Leia comes to mind.
Granddad bods promote a stress free lifestyle. Mountains and storage buildings are also stress free.
Granddad bods do not take a lot of work to maintain. Beer runs and couch potato lounging are usually all the maintenance needed.
Granddad bod bellies are a great place to rest your popcorn bowl or fried chicken bucket while watching Chuck Norris movies or the Saints play football (Real American football!) Belly tablecloths or “Gut Covers” are not yet in production.
Granddad bods are great listeners, If you are talking about them, food or sports.
Granddad bods make great tube floats for lounging in the pool, enjoying bobbing in the surf at the beach or relaxing on the nearest lazy river. Beware! Unexpected high tides, tidal surges and flood crests can be expected. There may also be a danger of drifting too far from the shore and being mistaken as an off- shore drilling platform.
Granddad bods have extra layers for cold weather. So do whales, walruses and polar bears!
Granddad bods are at peace with their bodies. Actually, grandad bods are at peace with mashed potatoes and gravy, chili cheese fries, double cheeseburgers and doughnuts.
Granddad bods are considered sexy by intelligent women! Intelligent women are interested in inheriting the farm and bank account sooner than later.
Granddad bods are built for grandkids. Parents must exercise extreme caution when grandkids are climbing on granddad – the distance from the top of his belly to the floor can be deceiving.
Granddad bods move slowly and deliberately. Unless, they are in line for the all you can eat buffet.
Granddad bods are all about being good to their woman. The woman must be willing to cook, clean food stains from clothes, help granddad roll out of bed in the morning, and change the TV channels when the remote becomes too much of a chore.
Granddad bods are humorous and fun to be around! Granddad bods are a ton of fun if you like burping, farting, and jokes normally reserved for 12 year old boys.
Granddad bods will never appear on any of the world’s endangered species lists. Granddad bods will never become extinct as long as there is beer, cheese, and dough to be had.

There you have it, the Pros and Cons of the granddad bod! I hope this list helps clear up any questions. At Granddad Bods are Sexy, we believe sharing knowledge is a beautiful thing, and we are always available to answer questions for the greater good of the Granddad Bod movement. Here at GBS, we believe the youth of today are the granddads of the tomorrow, so we are always happy to answer questions regardless of age. Remember, it is never too early or too late to learn about the benefits of the granddad bod – yours or the granddad bod of a loved one. Happy lounging! I’ll save you a place in the buffet line.

JL

©Jack Linton, June 15, 2015

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