Monthly Archives: September 2015

10 Words Guaranteed to Make You Less Offensive

It is getting to the point a person cannot say anything without offending someone. In our world of magnified sensitivity and political correctness, just about every word uttered has the potential to be offensive. That means people, like me, are being forced to relearn the English language to avoid using a word or phrase that might offend. That is sad; language is intended to be conversational, informative, inquisitive, expressive, and sometimes even offensive. If not why open your mouth at all other than to eat or drink? In the very near future, I foresee my wife treating me like a smoker and asking me to step outside before I open my mouth to speak, so I don’t offend someone in my own home. Seriously, people are scrutinizing every word you say looking for a hint of something offensive. Am I the only one who thinks this “sensitivity” stuff has gone off the deep end?

Don’t get me wrong; I am all for being sensitive and not deliberately hurting a person’s feelings, but I honestly can’t understand why I must be held so responsible for another person’s personal and emotional insecurities that I have to walk on eggshells and make myself as miserable as they apparently are. It has reached the point that everywhere you go the politically correct police, people with personally transmitted social issues, and offendamites are looking over your shoulder ready to pounce on the slightest verbal indiscretion. I am not out to intentionally offend anyone, but damn if I can convince some people of that. It has got so bad that when I enter a public restroom I turn on the water in the sink and flush all the toilets to cover any sounds I might make doing my business; heaven forbid, I offend someone listening outside the door.

Who are these people watching me (us) so closely? I mentioned the politically correct police, people with personally transmitted social issues, and offendamites earlier. Although there are others, these three groups seem to be the biggest watchdogs for offensiveness on the scene today. The politically correct police are everywhere! They can be found in the news media, on Facebook, and across society in general. Although their original calling was most likely noble, since partnering with group two, individuals with personally transmitted social issues, as well as with every fetish and nondescript noncomplying societal fringe cause, they have succumbed to being little more than paranoid enablers. As a result, a bear can’t wee-wee (didn’t want to offend anyone) in the woods without offending such groups as the Order of the Blue Moose Against Forest Defecation. And, then there are the offendamites! Bless their hearts, offemdamites are those poor souls who go through life looking for something to offend them. They are offended by anything or anyone who contradicts their limited and often biased knowledge as well as their not always “lily white” sense of justice and what is right. Between the politically correct police and the offendamites, regular people no longer have a chance. We will forever be offending someone.

Therefore, to help those of us who are fundamentally non-offensive incompetent, I have devised a cheat sheet to hopefully keep us out of trouble with the politically correct police and the offendamites. Please, study the following chart carefully. It is not all inclusive (At the rate people are being offended today, creating an all-inclusive chart would be an impossible task), but it does provide some key words to avoid if you hope to be politically correct. Some of the chart may not make sense, but as a society we are long past making sense, so get over it. Oops, that was probably offensive to someone. Sorry.

Avoid Being Politically Incorrect Survival Chart

Definitions You Need to Know:

Politically Correct Police:                 Unnamed enforcers of everything that is politically correct.

Offendamites:                                   People who look for ways to be offended.

Gender Specific:                               Man, woman, boy, girl, son, daughter

Transgenders:                                  People confused as to their sexual orientation.

Misgendering:                                   Incorrect usage of gender specific pronouns: he, she, him, her.

Offensive Word

How Used

Why they are offended and Who is Offended:

USE THIS INSTEAD

Mama

I love my mama.

“Mama” is gender specific, to be politically correct we must avoid gender specific terms.

OFFENDED: Transgenders, Those with mama issues, some feminists, Politically Correct Police

GENETIC ICUBATOR

“I love my genetic incubator.”

He, she, him, her, his, hers

He walked into the room.

These are gender specific pronouns and to use these terms is to risk “misgendering.”

OFFENDED: Transgenders and Politically Correct Police

IT

“It walked into the room.

Boy or Girl

The boy walked into the room.

To be politically correct all instances of misgendering must be avoided.

OFFENDED: Transgenders and Politically Correct Police

SHIM

The shim walked into the room.

Man or Woman

The man and woman went on a trip.

More gender specific to be avoided.

OFFENDED: Transgenders and Politically Correct Police

X and Y

X and Y went on a trip.

Mr., Mrs, Miss

Dear Mr. Smith,

One more instance of gender specific to be avoided.

OFFENDED: Transgenders and Politically Correct Police

GENDER INCLUSIVE

Dear Gender Inclusive Smith,

Special

That is so special!

Denotes approval and unless you are open to approving everyone and everything, you should avoid using the word “special.”

OFFENDED: Offendamites, Politically Correct Police

ACCEPTABLE

That is so acceptable!

Son of a Gun

That son of a gun did it again!

This offends on so many different fronts. It offends because the expression humanizes guns. It offends by alluding to the reproductive potential of guns. Also, “son” is gender specific and should be avoided.

OFFENDED: Offendamites, Humanists, 2nd Amendment Haters, Politically Correct Police

AVOID USING ANY “GUN” RELATED TERM OR PHRASE.

That x did it again!

USE A LOWER CASE “x” FOR “son” AND LOWER CASE “y” FOR DAUGHTER.

Dead

Unfortunately, James is dead.

Although a fact of end of life, this word offends many people.

OFFENDED:   Offendamites, non-Christians

LIVING IMPAIRED

Unfortunately, James is living impaired.

Suck

That movie sucks!

Although this term has become common in our society there are still some who are offended by it.

OFFENDED:   Offendamites, Baby Boomers, Church Ladies

LIP VACUUM

That movie is a lip vacuum!

Non-disabled life time welfare recipient

Uncle Jeb is a non-disabled life time welfare recipient.

Most people understand there are many people who legitimately receive welfare and disability benefits, but they are offended by those who could work but don’t.

OFFENDED:   Hard working tax payers busting their butts to make a living.

LEISURE MANIPULATOR

Uncle Jeb is a leisure manipulator.

Hopefully, this chart will provide enough information to keep people out of trouble. The best way to do that though is to lock yourself in your home and don’t entertain company outside of your family, have your groceries delivered, and avoid contact with the delivery folks at all costs. Even then, your husband or wife may still ask you to step outside before you open your mouth to speak. If they do, go sit with the dog and be thankful he doesn’t mind if you are politically correct or not as long as you scratch behind his ear. Of course, to be fair, you must do the same for the cat when he comes around. Come to think of it, maybe this is where all this political correctness started. It is certainly for the dogs! Oh yes, and for the cats as well.

JL

©Jack Linton, September 18, 2015

Presidential Candidates Should Have a Plan or Shut Up

I have been listening to campaign speeches by several presidential hopefuls both Democrats and Republicans. You know what impresses me the most? Nothing! Except for three, maybe four candidates, there was not much substance to the speeches. Although a few good ideas floated here and there, the speeches contained little more than the name calling and finger pointing Americans have come to expect from politicians. Of course, it is still very early, so that may change as the campaigns progress; I hope so.

The biggest disappointment was the lack of specifics in the speeches. Most of the presidential candidates spoke to the issues such as health care, education, and immigration, but for the most part, they only alluded to how they would address those issues. It was clear many of them still have much work to do on the details of their plans if they have a plan at all. At this point in the campaign, finger pointing and rabble rousing are still used too frequently to get a clear picture of what many of the candidates truly stand for or have to offer. A clear picture was certainly not forthcoming from the speeches I heard. Some of the speeches would have been fine if the candidates had been running for local office or state governor, but coming from presidential hopefuls, the content was below what should be expected of a legitimate candidate for the presidency of the United States of America.

Of course, a certain amount of finger pointing and pot stirring is to be expected. People expect politicians to throw mud and cash in on public emotions, but there comes a time when mud throwing and stirring the pot needs to end. For example, dissatisfaction with the current president should not be a candidate’s primary platform for running for the presidency. It certainly should not be enough to get the candidate elected. If it is, shame on the American political system and shame on the American people.

Most people I have spoken to are more interested in hearing how candidates plan to address the issues than they are listening to candidates badmouth each other and the office of the president. Most Americans are tired of political candidates pounding their chests and spouting generalizations such as, “When I’m elected, I will get rid of Obamacare!” or “Elect me, and I will get rid of Common Core!” or “A vote for me is a vote for tougher immigration laws and God fearing, English speaking citizens!” All of those may be on a candidate’s agenda, but what most Americans want to hear is how the candidate plans to do those things. They want the candidate to show them, not just tell them, how things will be better. There comes a time when a candidate needs to stop the rhetorical rah-rah and address the blueprints of how he will do the things he says he will do. He needs to put up or shut up!

I don’t care if a candidate doesn’t like Obama! That is old news! I am interested in America going forward, not looking back. The American people need to hear specifics about each candidate’s proposed policies and/or policy changes, so they can make an informed decision on who is most qualified to lead the nation. America needs candidates who focus on what they can do and not on what the outgoing president failed to do. The outgoing president’s days of relevancy are coming to an end, so the focus should not be on him. America needs leaders who run for political office on the strengths they bring to the table rather than run for office on the weaknesses or blunders of the guy they hope to replace.

For a candidate to have credibility as a potential president, he should possess a specific plan of action for campaign issues. If he wants to repeal The Affordable Care Act, he should be prepared to tell all Americans why and show them his plan to replace it. If a candidate wants to get rid of Common Core Standards or scrap the public school system, that is well and good, but he should be prepared to enlighten the people as to why and show them a better way of doing education. If a candidate is against illegal immigration, I get it, but please, tell me your step by step plan to resolve the issue. Don’t just beat me over the head with the problem!  I want the presidential candidates to get down to the nitty-gritty of how they can do the job of president better and shut up with generalizations that amount to little more than stirring up a pot of jaw flapping crap.

The presidential election is too important to be decided on a candidate’s dislike for the current president or his party affiliation. America needs a leader who believes in the spirit, diversity, and rights of all Americans. We need a leader who is capable of convincing both political parties to lay their party agendas aside and do what is best for the people of the United States of America. We need a president and congress who understand that working together is an expectation of the people. We need a president and congress who understand compromise is not always a dirty word, especially if it benefits the people. What America needs is a president with a plan to unite the nation. We need a president who backs his words with a plan of action and not just talk.

JL

©Jack Linton, September 12, 2015

My Guardian Angel and a Root Beer Float or How to Count Your Blessings

When was the last time you stopped and offered your guardian angel a root beer float and a huge prayer of thanks?  If you are like me, the answer is probably never.  My guardian angel has been very good to me, but I have done absolutely nothing for her in return other than take her for granted?  I am thankful beyond words for all the times she has saved me from near disasters; yet, I have failed to say a simple thank you.  Like many people I get so caught up in all the negatives going on in the world that I lose sight of the blessings in my life.  I focus my attention on negative events and negative people who do not mean a hill of beans to me.  When I should be counting my blessings, I find myself worrying about things the network news or some person with their panties in a wad on social media tells me are important.  But, that is not their fault; the fault lies with me for allowing them to make me a willing participate in their misery.  I could turn off the television or disconnect from social media, but I am too afraid I might miss something.  However, I am ready for a change.  No, I am still too afraid I might miss something to turn off the television or social media, but I have resolved that I am going to reserve at least one day each week to celebrate my blessings.  If I don’t, I’m afraid my guardian angel will leave me, and then where would I be?

One of the best places to begin any celebration is by celebrating America.  As Americans, all of us should have something we can be proud of and thankful for – right? Unfortunately, that is not necessarily the case.  Too many Americans today would rather bash our nation than sing her praises.  We have become a people with few qualms about giving credibility to the haters and the doomsayers who continually disrespect and tear down our country.  I understand we no longer live in the America of thirty, forty, or fifty years ago, and that everything was less jaded, dripping in honey, and just plain homey and nice back then, but damn people there has got to be something we can be thankful for today.  I know it’s hard to be thankful when every day we are confronted by name callers, bigots, conspiracy theorists, doomsday preppers, our way or the highway fanatics, limp wrists banana eating liberals, conservative left wing socialists, butt headed right wing elitist, sh#!* for brains instigators, bean heads, dope heads, “namby-pamby” do-gooders and a conniving government set on enslaving the people.  I hate to say it, but it is really hard to celebrate America when the news and social media constantly tell us that America is a really crappy place to live.

But, is it really?  Where else in the world can people worship as they please without persecution and fear of physical harm?  Where else can people speak for or against the government with equal guarantees of expression without oppression?  Where else in the world can regular people get a free public education with a chance to someday own their own business and home?  Where else in the world can law abiding citizens own firearms without fear of imprisonment?  Where else in the world do regular people have enough expendable income to blow on frequent trips to McDonalds and Walmart?  Where else can people go to sleep at night knowing they are protected by the greatest military machine in the history of the world?  Where else in the world can not only the wealthy but regular folks have money to take vacations at the beach and Disney World? Where else in the world can people jump in their vehicle and drive anywhere in the nation without first getting permission? Where else in the world do citizens have the right to elect their leadership and then openly criticize them and call for their removal from office without fear of arrest and imprisonment?  This list could go on and on, but the point is that as Americans we have a lot more to be thankful for than we have to gripe and complain about!  So, why do we spend ninety percent of our energy focusing on the dirt, the misguided ignorant, and the haters?  We should be climbing on rooftops and shouting, “I am a proud American, and I love my country!”

Lately, I hear more and more talk about climate change and the earth getting warmer, but the biggest climate change I see in America is in the people.  Everybody is hot under the collar about something these days.  We are hot because someone offended us!  We are hot because someone said something that was not politically correct!  We are hot because someone dared express themselves in such a way that we do not agree!  And, we are just plain hot about being hot because that has become the norm in America.  We complain about politicians who do nothing for the American people; we complain about the economy; we judge and condemn people for their religious preference, sexual preference, flag preference, political preference, the color of their skin, the shape of their eyes, the language they speak, and even what they eat and drink and where they live.  Maybe, if we stopped judging and worrying about everybody else and started concentrating on making ourselves a better person, we might actually change some of the things we gripe about.  Maybe, America would become a much cooler and calmer climate in which to live.

On some of these issues, I may be as guilty as anyone, so I am going to make a change.  I am going to initiate a “Count Your Blessings Day” one day each week.  On this day, I am going to ignore the negatives and pay special attention to my blessings, and I am going to start with my guardian angel.  I am going to give my guardian angel that long overdue root beer float and prayer of thanks.  I am going to say thank you for allowing me to be an American, and for being at my side when I need you.  I am not going to ask for anything; I am just going to say a simple THANK YOU prayer!  I am not talking about one of those long over the top “sermon within a prayer” prayers. I am not talking about one of those prayers where I map out a list of problems and issues I would like for God to resolve.  I am not going to ask to be protected from, saved from, or delivered from anything.  I am simply going to thank God for his blessings and thank my guardian angel for keeping me safe and out of trouble.  Maybe, if I start being more thankful and less needy, God will be more inclined to answer my prayers.

Having a “Count Your Blessings Day” each week may not dramatically change the world, but it will make me pause and give thanks for all my blessings including being an American. In spite of this country’s many faults and problems, it is still the greatest country on earth. We just need to stop complaining for a while and make time to reflect and be thankful we are a part of it. Yeah, I like that; one day a week where I concentrate on the positives and not the negatives. That’s a plan! I can’t wait to join my guardian angel for a root beer float; I think we both deserve one.

JL

©Jack Linton, September 6, 2015