10 Words Guaranteed to Make You Less Offensive

It is getting to the point a person cannot say anything without offending someone. In our world of magnified sensitivity and political correctness, just about every word uttered has the potential to be offensive. That means people, like me, are being forced to relearn the English language to avoid using a word or phrase that might offend. That is sad; language is intended to be conversational, informative, inquisitive, expressive, and sometimes even offensive. If not why open your mouth at all other than to eat or drink? In the very near future, I foresee my wife treating me like a smoker and asking me to step outside before I open my mouth to speak, so I don’t offend someone in my own home. Seriously, people are scrutinizing every word you say looking for a hint of something offensive. Am I the only one who thinks this “sensitivity” stuff has gone off the deep end?

Don’t get me wrong; I am all for being sensitive and not deliberately hurting a person’s feelings, but I honestly can’t understand why I must be held so responsible for another person’s personal and emotional insecurities that I have to walk on eggshells and make myself as miserable as they apparently are. It has reached the point that everywhere you go the politically correct police, people with personally transmitted social issues, and offendamites are looking over your shoulder ready to pounce on the slightest verbal indiscretion. I am not out to intentionally offend anyone, but damn if I can convince some people of that. It has got so bad that when I enter a public restroom I turn on the water in the sink and flush all the toilets to cover any sounds I might make doing my business; heaven forbid, I offend someone listening outside the door.

Who are these people watching me (us) so closely? I mentioned the politically correct police, people with personally transmitted social issues, and offendamites earlier. Although there are others, these three groups seem to be the biggest watchdogs for offensiveness on the scene today. The politically correct police are everywhere! They can be found in the news media, on Facebook, and across society in general. Although their original calling was most likely noble, since partnering with group two, individuals with personally transmitted social issues, as well as with every fetish and nondescript noncomplying societal fringe cause, they have succumbed to being little more than paranoid enablers. As a result, a bear can’t wee-wee (didn’t want to offend anyone) in the woods without offending such groups as the Order of the Blue Moose Against Forest Defecation. And, then there are the offendamites! Bless their hearts, offemdamites are those poor souls who go through life looking for something to offend them. They are offended by anything or anyone who contradicts their limited and often biased knowledge as well as their not always “lily white” sense of justice and what is right. Between the politically correct police and the offendamites, regular people no longer have a chance. We will forever be offending someone.

Therefore, to help those of us who are fundamentally non-offensive incompetent, I have devised a cheat sheet to hopefully keep us out of trouble with the politically correct police and the offendamites. Please, study the following chart carefully. It is not all inclusive (At the rate people are being offended today, creating an all-inclusive chart would be an impossible task), but it does provide some key words to avoid if you hope to be politically correct. Some of the chart may not make sense, but as a society we are long past making sense, so get over it. Oops, that was probably offensive to someone. Sorry.

Avoid Being Politically Incorrect Survival Chart

Definitions You Need to Know:

Politically Correct Police:                 Unnamed enforcers of everything that is politically correct.

Offendamites:                                   People who look for ways to be offended.

Gender Specific:                               Man, woman, boy, girl, son, daughter

Transgenders:                                  People confused as to their sexual orientation.

Misgendering:                                   Incorrect usage of gender specific pronouns: he, she, him, her.

Offensive Word

How Used

Why they are offended and Who is Offended:

USE THIS INSTEAD

Mama

I love my mama.

“Mama” is gender specific, to be politically correct we must avoid gender specific terms.

OFFENDED: Transgenders, Those with mama issues, some feminists, Politically Correct Police

GENETIC ICUBATOR

“I love my genetic incubator.”

He, she, him, her, his, hers

He walked into the room.

These are gender specific pronouns and to use these terms is to risk “misgendering.”

OFFENDED: Transgenders and Politically Correct Police

IT

“It walked into the room.

Boy or Girl

The boy walked into the room.

To be politically correct all instances of misgendering must be avoided.

OFFENDED: Transgenders and Politically Correct Police

SHIM

The shim walked into the room.

Man or Woman

The man and woman went on a trip.

More gender specific to be avoided.

OFFENDED: Transgenders and Politically Correct Police

X and Y

X and Y went on a trip.

Mr., Mrs, Miss

Dear Mr. Smith,

One more instance of gender specific to be avoided.

OFFENDED: Transgenders and Politically Correct Police

GENDER INCLUSIVE

Dear Gender Inclusive Smith,

Special

That is so special!

Denotes approval and unless you are open to approving everyone and everything, you should avoid using the word “special.”

OFFENDED: Offendamites, Politically Correct Police

ACCEPTABLE

That is so acceptable!

Son of a Gun

That son of a gun did it again!

This offends on so many different fronts. It offends because the expression humanizes guns. It offends by alluding to the reproductive potential of guns. Also, “son” is gender specific and should be avoided.

OFFENDED: Offendamites, Humanists, 2nd Amendment Haters, Politically Correct Police

AVOID USING ANY “GUN” RELATED TERM OR PHRASE.

That x did it again!

USE A LOWER CASE “x” FOR “son” AND LOWER CASE “y” FOR DAUGHTER.

Dead

Unfortunately, James is dead.

Although a fact of end of life, this word offends many people.

OFFENDED:   Offendamites, non-Christians

LIVING IMPAIRED

Unfortunately, James is living impaired.

Suck

That movie sucks!

Although this term has become common in our society there are still some who are offended by it.

OFFENDED:   Offendamites, Baby Boomers, Church Ladies

LIP VACUUM

That movie is a lip vacuum!

Non-disabled life time welfare recipient

Uncle Jeb is a non-disabled life time welfare recipient.

Most people understand there are many people who legitimately receive welfare and disability benefits, but they are offended by those who could work but don’t.

OFFENDED:   Hard working tax payers busting their butts to make a living.

LEISURE MANIPULATOR

Uncle Jeb is a leisure manipulator.

Hopefully, this chart will provide enough information to keep people out of trouble. The best way to do that though is to lock yourself in your home and don’t entertain company outside of your family, have your groceries delivered, and avoid contact with the delivery folks at all costs. Even then, your husband or wife may still ask you to step outside before you open your mouth to speak. If they do, go sit with the dog and be thankful he doesn’t mind if you are politically correct or not as long as you scratch behind his ear. Of course, to be fair, you must do the same for the cat when he comes around. Come to think of it, maybe this is where all this political correctness started. It is certainly for the dogs! Oh yes, and for the cats as well.

JL

©Jack Linton, September 18, 2015

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One thought on “10 Words Guaranteed to Make You Less Offensive

  1. Anonymous

    I would thank you, Dear Gender Inclusive Linton, for this piece, but that would be singling you out for praise without giving others the opportunity as well, so I”ll just say, Uhhhh.

    Like

    Reply

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