Monthly Archives: September 2016

Strange Facts?

Most people probably do not know that since south Louisiana is below sea level, it is illegal to bury a loved one in a wheelbarrow.  That is a strange bit of information, but it is a fact – a strange fact, but nevertheless a fact.  Strange facts are neither implied nor assumed; they are simply facts.  For example, look closely at the following strange facts:

  1. Miniskirts and thongs were invented in the South during the American Civil War due to the shortage of material for women’s clothing;
  2. In the South, prior to the invention of cell phones, women were only permitted to operate riding lawnmowers;
  3. After a couple of beers, the chicken becomes the fastest bird in the world;
  4. When asked what was their favorite food on a cob, 89% of millennials said “salad;”
  5. Historians now believe the world’s oldest profession is not prostitution but the “John;”
  6. The next great technologies, will be a female robot wife that massages feet, and a mechanical husband that looks interested when the wife talks about her day;
  7. You cannot apply for a job as a sports referee unless you are accompanied by a seeing-eye service dog;
  8. Prior to 1990, televised baseball could not use the word “balls,” so announcers had to say, “two strikes and three round things;”
  9. Research supports that preachers preach, so they don’t fall asleep in church; and
  10. The most used word in the South is “biscuit.”

In today’s world, it is wise to look carefully, read deliberately, and assume nothing.  Implied and assumed facts are the foundation our modern world is built upon, so tread carefully!  Did you know that in Bolivar County, Mississippi it is against the law for a hearse to leave a funeral service early to beat the traffic?  Facts are the facts, but not necessarily always the facts.  Think about that the next time a politician or used car salesman opens his mouth.

JL

©Jack Linton, September 27, 2016

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Democrats vs Republicans vs Libertarians

A quick look at what Americans need to know:

Republicans Democrats Libertarians
Believe Nancy Reagan coined the phrase “Are you yanking my chain?” Believe Donald Trump is “Yanking our chain!” Wish “They had a chain to yank.”
Believe it takes 10 chickens to make 10 McDonald’s Chicken McNuggets. Believe chicken should only be eaten fried. Only eat leftovers.
Believe Republicans win 65% of all coin tosses. Believe 65% is the chance the Republicans have of losing the election Believe 65% of all coin tosses will land on edge unless tampered with by Democrats or Republicans.
Believe it is time for Donald Trump to be President since the USA has never had a President named Donald. Believe it is scary to imagine a Pope named Donald. Can’t follow this line of thinking.
Believe Donald Trump put the jokes to rest about his hair when he let Jimmy Fallon muss his hair on national television. Believe Fallon mussing Trump’s hair explains the sudden spike in glue sales shortly before the show aired. Believe the bigger issue is lice control.
Believe the biggest danger in the USA is electing Hillary Clinton as President. Believe the biggest danger in the USA is ingesting Donald Trump’s malarkey. Can’t believe they are not the whackos on the ticket.
Believe a 2,000 mile border wall between the USA and Mexico is the best solution to immigration. Believe such a wall would be an unfair deterrent to their voter recruiting efforts. Believe it is impossible to build a wall between the USA and Mexico since the border is only six inches wide.
Believe Democrats were behind replacing silicone breasts implants with cookie dough as part of their concerns for the ecosystem. Believe Republicans are full of hot air, but for environmental reasons, think cookie dough does rise to the occasion. Wonder what the Cookie Monster has to do with the election.
Believe there is scientific evidence to support that at any given moment, there are American men who don’t realize their fly is down. Believe Donald Trump is one of those men, but they are not sure if it is intentional or not. Are hoping both Hillary and Donald are “temps.”
Believe the letter “F” should be removed from alphabet soup to remove the temptation to spell dirty words. Believe the letter “R” should be removed from alphabet soup to make it taste better. Didn’t know anyone still ate alphabet soup.

America, the choice is yours!?

JL

Jack Linton, September 18, 2016

9/11: The Day We Drank from the Same Fountain

As we remember the horrors of September 11, 2001, it is important to recognize a similar evangelized hate and belief in superiority once again threatens to destroy us as a nation.  The difference is this time the monster is not external but internal.  We have forgotten how we rallied together as one in the days after the senseless attack on New York.  We have forgotten how for a brief moment we stood together as brothers and sisters and defied evil.  No American was superior to another on that day or in the days that followed; all Americans drank from the same fountain.

As we remember and say a prayer for the lives lost on that tragic day, let us not forget to say a prayer for ourselves.  We should not be a nation divided by conservative/liberal beliefs, religious beliefs, lifestyle beliefs, or racial beliefs; as a nation we are united by a Constitution, philosophy, and common sense and decency that says all men and women are created equal and have the right of expression and personal pursuit of happiness.  In America, to believe otherwise is oppression.  The destruction of the twin towers in New York is a reminder of the destructive power of hate and a warped sense of superiority.  It is a reminder that we are vulnerable to such evil.  Therefore, it is time we drank from the same fountain once again.  It is time we tore the tags, signs, and dialogue of division from the fountain and welcomed all to drink – if not for our sake, for the sake of our children and the future of America.

A child is not born believing in superiority;

Out of fear of inferiority a child is taught,

To believe in superiority by birth right;

To believe in superiority by skin color;

To believe in superiority by religious affiliation;

To believe in the inequality of man;

To believe in equality with God; and

To disguise hate with righteousness.

May God have mercy on the teachers.

May God continue to have mercy on America, and the shining good she represents for all people.

Jl

©Jack Linton, September 11, 2016

The Right worth the Fight

In today’s world everybody believes they are right!  They believe their point of view is right, their religion is right, their race is right, their politics is right, their lifestyle is right.  They believe the world is amiss unless it conforms to their ideas of right.  As a result, they live and raise their children in their little worlds of right, which creates a perpetual circle of right, even as the greater world around them begs to differ.  Who is right?  There is only one right worth the fight:

The Right worth the Fight

If you are black you believe you are right,

If you are white you believe you are right,

If you are Christian you believe you are right,

If you are Muslim you believe you are right,

If you are a woman you believe you are right,

If you are a man you believe you are right,

The truth is you are not here to be right;

You are here to learn to live in harmony –

That is the reward – the right worth the fight.

 If people stopped focusing on right, and focused on living in harmony, the world would be a much better place to live.

JL

©Jack Linton, September 5, 2016

National Center for Disease Control Issues Startling Announcement! What it Means for Southern States.

 

zombie

In a statement released Friday, September 2, 2016 by NCDC, National Center for Disease Control, Assistant Director Gsorge P. Michaels, stated, “After months of review and study, the NCDC has certified the research of anthropologist and ethnobotanist, Dr.  James P. Waglemaker.  In his research, Functional Psychoanalysis of Overt Behavior, Dr. Waglemaker states, ‘Homo Necrosis is alive and well in the United States.  Once regarded as a pseudo species found only in places such as Haiti and southern Louisiana, there is now sufficient evidence to confirm Homo Necrosis as a human subspecies that lives in plain sight throughout the United States.  Examples of Homo Necrosis or its more common name, Zombie, are particularly prevalent in the southern United States where it has been environmentally and psychologically cultivated for decades.’”

Assistant Director Michaels said there is little need for the public to be overly alarmed, especially in the South where belief in the Second Amendment to the Constitution is second only to belief in the Bible.  He said Homo Necrosis holds little threat to humans, especially if people learn to identify the subspecies and avoid it.  However, he warned, if confronted by this subspecies, do not argue or try to reason with it – doing so could very likely ruin your day.  Michaels stated following the guidelines issued by NCDC to help identify the Walking Dread, as some have referred to it, is probably the most effective defense available.  Nevertheless, he cautioned the public not to confuse Homo Necrosis with television and movie characterizations.  “These things are very real,” Michaels said.  “They are not slow moving, poorly dressed, nitwits with thin skulls that can be popped with an ice cream stick.   These individuals are extremely hard-headed and dangerous.  The NCDC strongly urges the public to follow the guidelines for identification and avoid this subspecies.  Staying clear is the public’s best defense.”

Guidelines for Identifying Homo Necrosis/Zombie:

  1. Homo Necrosis/zombie lives in a perpetual state of self-centered sameness. It does not like change – most likely because it fears change;
  2. Homo Necrosis/zombie cannot reason. It cannot be reasoned with, and it can be extremely dangerous to try;
  3. Homo Necrosis/zombie is always right;
  4. Homo Necrosis/zombie lives on a soapbox of fanatical righteousness steeped in selective beliefs;
  5. Homo Necrosis/zombie is nurtured by an astute conviction that happiness can only be found in death;
  6. Homo Necrosis/zombie embraces its phobias as crusades for what it believes to be normal;
  7. Homo Necrosis/zombie’s belief system is extremely fragmented, which makes it prone to lash out angrily even violently when cornered, confused, or contradicted;
  8. Homo Necrosis/zombie rarely stops to poop, which may account for some of its irritability. (Note:  In a related observation – the Homo Necrosis/zombie has been known to read on the throne for hours);
  9. Homo Necrosis/zombie can only form emotional bonds with another Homo Necrosis/zombie and becomes extremely tense when approached by anyone outside its comfort zone; and
  10. Homo Necrosis/zombie does not hate humans – it loves humans – it hates how they look, think, act, breathe, and live.

The NCDC warns the public must be vigilant since Homo Necrosis can be found anywhere – even living next door.  The agency states Homo Necrosis is most dangerous when engaged in discussions of religion, lifestyles, politics, baby pictures, mom’s apple pie, patriotism, heritage, and football.  These topics should be avoided at all times!  However, if involvement in such a discussion is unavoidable and the Homo Necrosis becomes agitated, the best line of defense, according to the NCDC, is to drop your eyes and fall to your knees as declaration of submissiveness.  Eye contact with this subspecies during a confrontation may escalate the possibility of physical harm.  Once enraged, Homo Necrosis has been known to become extremely combative, so it is best not to talk to it at all unless you have little regard for your personal safety or enjoy one-sided conversations.

Anyone needing additional information should call the NCDC at 1-800-zombies.

This has been a public service announcement.

JL

©Jack Linton, September 3, 2016