National Center for Disease Control Issues Startling Announcement! What it Means for Southern States.

 

zombie

In a statement released Friday, September 2, 2016 by NCDC, National Center for Disease Control, Assistant Director Gsorge P. Michaels, stated, “After months of review and study, the NCDC has certified the research of anthropologist and ethnobotanist, Dr.  James P. Waglemaker.  In his research, Functional Psychoanalysis of Overt Behavior, Dr. Waglemaker states, ‘Homo Necrosis is alive and well in the United States.  Once regarded as a pseudo species found only in places such as Haiti and southern Louisiana, there is now sufficient evidence to confirm Homo Necrosis as a human subspecies that lives in plain sight throughout the United States.  Examples of Homo Necrosis or its more common name, Zombie, are particularly prevalent in the southern United States where it has been environmentally and psychologically cultivated for decades.’”

Assistant Director Michaels said there is little need for the public to be overly alarmed, especially in the South where belief in the Second Amendment to the Constitution is second only to belief in the Bible.  He said Homo Necrosis holds little threat to humans, especially if people learn to identify the subspecies and avoid it.  However, he warned, if confronted by this subspecies, do not argue or try to reason with it – doing so could very likely ruin your day.  Michaels stated following the guidelines issued by NCDC to help identify the Walking Dread, as some have referred to it, is probably the most effective defense available.  Nevertheless, he cautioned the public not to confuse Homo Necrosis with television and movie characterizations.  “These things are very real,” Michaels said.  “They are not slow moving, poorly dressed, nitwits with thin skulls that can be popped with an ice cream stick.   These individuals are extremely hard-headed and dangerous.  The NCDC strongly urges the public to follow the guidelines for identification and avoid this subspecies.  Staying clear is the public’s best defense.”

Guidelines for Identifying Homo Necrosis/Zombie:

  1. Homo Necrosis/zombie lives in a perpetual state of self-centered sameness. It does not like change – most likely because it fears change;
  2. Homo Necrosis/zombie cannot reason. It cannot be reasoned with, and it can be extremely dangerous to try;
  3. Homo Necrosis/zombie is always right;
  4. Homo Necrosis/zombie lives on a soapbox of fanatical righteousness steeped in selective beliefs;
  5. Homo Necrosis/zombie is nurtured by an astute conviction that happiness can only be found in death;
  6. Homo Necrosis/zombie embraces its phobias as crusades for what it believes to be normal;
  7. Homo Necrosis/zombie’s belief system is extremely fragmented, which makes it prone to lash out angrily even violently when cornered, confused, or contradicted;
  8. Homo Necrosis/zombie rarely stops to poop, which may account for some of its irritability. (Note:  In a related observation – the Homo Necrosis/zombie has been known to read on the throne for hours);
  9. Homo Necrosis/zombie can only form emotional bonds with another Homo Necrosis/zombie and becomes extremely tense when approached by anyone outside its comfort zone; and
  10. Homo Necrosis/zombie does not hate humans – it loves humans – it hates how they look, think, act, breathe, and live.

The NCDC warns the public must be vigilant since Homo Necrosis can be found anywhere – even living next door.  The agency states Homo Necrosis is most dangerous when engaged in discussions of religion, lifestyles, politics, baby pictures, mom’s apple pie, patriotism, heritage, and football.  These topics should be avoided at all times!  However, if involvement in such a discussion is unavoidable and the Homo Necrosis becomes agitated, the best line of defense, according to the NCDC, is to drop your eyes and fall to your knees as declaration of submissiveness.  Eye contact with this subspecies during a confrontation may escalate the possibility of physical harm.  Once enraged, Homo Necrosis has been known to become extremely combative, so it is best not to talk to it at all unless you have little regard for your personal safety or enjoy one-sided conversations.

Anyone needing additional information should call the NCDC at 1-800-zombies.

This has been a public service announcement.

JL

©Jack Linton, September 3, 2016

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