Zombies can teach us a thing or two about the importance of reading. However, getting a zombie to sit down for an interview and talk without it biting your head off is tricky at best. While most people live in a world of rush, rush, rush, zombies have learned to slow the world down. They understand slow and intentional is the key to everything, especially a prosperous life. It is the difference between indigestion and a heart attack. Therefore, they never rush into anything, especially taking over the world. They are slow, methodical, and intentional to a fault.
For example, look at reading. Reading is an intentional activity exercised by higher order species. In other words, if you walk upright without your knuckles dragging the ground and you have a lick of sense about you, in theory, you should be a reader or at least capable of reading. Of course, there are always exceptions such as the politicians running the government or those poor souls who buy into late night infomercials on television. Those wacky doodles aside, serious readers such as zombies are intentional about their reading. In fact, they are often more intentional about reading than they are about cannibalism. When they get involved in a good book or find a fascinating resource, they sometimes go days without eating anything other than a slice of ear or a quick eyeball – you know, snack food.
Most zombies I have interviewed say it is easier to find someone to eat than it is to find a good book to read and the time to read it. Finding time to read is difficult, but zombies have made time for reading a priority even when it means not going on the prowl as much as they like. To their credit, they, unlike humans, live by a code that emphasizes daily reading. They know a thing or two about brain dead, so unlike many humans, they are relentless in their pursuit of stimulating brain activity.
Even zombie leaders look for ways to scratch out a few minutes to read, and they are intentional when it comes to modeling reading for their followers. That is why it is not uncommon to find huge herds of zombies reading as they migrate across the nation. Finding a zombie reading on doorsteps outside a home staked out for lunch or dinner is even more common. Such devotion to reading can be attributed to great leadership. Great leaders insist on knowledgeable and healthy followers, and there is not a better way to increase mental and physical health than to read.
There has been a great deal of research into zombies, and one of the most interesting findings has been the revelation that it is their devotion to reading that makes them so formidable. Their success at moving massive herds across deserts and through noon time traffic jams in New York, Atlanta, and Eastabuchie is not luck. By reading regularly, they keep up with such important information as the latest migratory data and traffic avoidance strategies. Although they might turn stomachs on first look and appear frightening, in truth, they are far less terrifying than humans who don’t read. The research clearly indicates, as a species, they are simply better readers than humans and therefore tend to be more rational thinkers.
Some will argue that is not true. However, all anyone needs to do is look at human Facebook pages, Twitter messages, and text messages to see humans have an aversion to reading anything beyond a hundred words with a strong preference for forty words and under. It is hard to say if they are genetically tied to a minimalistic reading quota, they are genetically lazy, or simply brain dead. A quota or lazy gene may be legitimate issues, but brain dead is not an excuse – especially for humans. Zombies are brain dead, but that does not prevent them from out reading humans ten to one. When you take into consideration there are unrealistic restrictions that prevent zombies from having an Amazon.com account or a library card, a ten to one ratio is beyond remarkable.
On the other side, the human side, it is a safe bet in today’s America that anything written beyond one-hundred words will effectively turn off ninety-five percent of the American population. If a foreign government wished to successfully invade and conquer the United States all they need to do is offer free cable, internet, cell phones, and electronic tablets to the public on any day of the week and especially on Super Bowl Sunday. In the United States, the less than five percent reading or abstaining from electronic stimulation on any given day would be hard pressed to repel a foreign invasion. The same can be said of a zombie invasion. The only difference is the zombies are already here. They have grown from a aggravating parasite to an immediate threat to the human way of life, and they have done so by intentionally reigniting brain electrodes while humans in America have effectively electronically sterilized their brains!
Because they are prolific readers, the zombie general population is as much as eight steps ahead of the human general population. To put this in proper perspective, it is like comparing the brain activity of an amoeba to the brain activity of Albert Einstein where the amoeba represents the non-reading human population and Einstein represents a zombie nation of readers. Before they became readers, zombies rambled aimlessly across the nation getting their heads split by machetes or screwdrivers driven through an eye socket into the brain. Other than the occasional rat killing, there was little for zombies to look forward to in life. However, once they turned to reading, their lives changed for the better, especially after they formed book study groups to study such classics as Sun Tzu’s The Art of War. Through reading, the Zombie Nation has reinvented itself, and as a result, these blood gurglers of the dead are fast becoming unstoppable.
While American leaders indulge in self-importance, self-righteousness, party agendas, conspiracies, and the dumbing down of their followers, zombie leaders are growing themselves and building a base of highly literate followers. They are constantly reading, researching, trying new ideas, embracing them when they fit, and discarding them when they don’t. They are slowly taking control of America, and they are doing it without firing a single shot. They are intellectually preparing themselves for the day when American humans can no longer read much less comprehend their gun manuals. The human Achilles heel (reading) has become the sword by which zombies will inherit the nation. While humans have become complacent and comfortable in who they are and in what they do, zombies led by the example of wise well-read leaders, are reading every cookbook in America in preparation for the day they take over. Complacency rarely happens with zombies. Their intensity is unrelenting! They never relax; they are totally focused on their next book and meal.
©Jack Linton, March 21, 2017