Recently I was introduced to Lickibrush, a rubber brush shaped like a large tongue that is used by cat owners to bond with their pet. Picture this – the cat owner grips the Lickibrush in his teeth and combs it through the cat’s fur with long grooming licking strokes. Most cats do this for themselves, but somewhere along the way some smart and crafty cat decided it would be easier to train their human to lick for them. As a result, the enterprising cat marketed Lickibrush as a tool for humans to bond with Frisky (or whatever their cat’s name might be). Think about it; who is smarter – the cat getting a massage and groom without lifting a paw, or the silly human with a rubber tongue protruding from his face?
I like cats, and over the years, I bonded with several, but not once did it occur to me to strengthen that bond by licking them. Whether it is a cat or a human, there are consequences for cat licking. HAIRBALLS! A cat choking, gagging, and throwing up hairballs is a disgusting sight to behold and even worse to clean up. So, why in the name of all that is sane, would a cat owner want to engage in a process that will ultimately lead to convulsive heaving and expulsion of nasty human size hairballs? Who wants to clean up that mess? Bonding with my cat or any animal is just not that important to me!
I hope animal loving fanatics will forgive me, but I must politely and emphatically say, “NO!” to Lickibrush. The product simply does not make sense. However, I have several products I am preparing to market that not only make sense but are practical and beneficial in the world of animal lovers. Like Lickibrush, these products may appear to be a bit peculiar, but I can assure you unlike Lickibrush each one makes perfect sense and lends itself to practical application in the world of pet mania.
Five New Pet Products Every Pet Owner has to Have
This device is the ultimate gadget for getting into you dog’s head. Dog owners wear the rubber dog snout with a soft pliable wet nose (simply moisten with water before each use) over their nose. When wearing the PooShootSniffer, dog owners can bond with Rover in ways never imaginable. The instructions are extremely simple – while wearing PooShootSniffer, the owner drops to his hands and knees behind their pet and sniffs. That is all there is to it! By sniffing Rover’s butt, the owner says “I care,” “I am here for you,” and “You are special.” PooShootSniffer is the perfect remedy for dogs that are depressed or lonely. WARNING: If your dog growls when you are using PooShootSniffer, back off! Rover is letting you know that he is uncomfortable, and you are violating his personal space.
This device is designed expressly for pet owners with talking parrots. However, it could just as easily be used with children to prepare them for watching movies, riding the school bus, or hanging out at the mall. Babelshit is an electronic device that is mounted on the side of Polly’s cage. When switched on, it produces profanity in up to 64 languages. It audibly feeds Polly a steady stream of intoxicating four letter words. With Babelshit, your pet parrot as well as your kids can learn to curse like all the cool folks do these days. Now, how cool and classy is that?
Have you ever been away from home on business or a vacation and missed your pets? That can be a real bummer, and make the trip almost unbearable. However, Crapsteppers can help remedy that lonely displaced feeling. Crapsteppers are rubber shoe soles that smell like dog crap. Although it is sometimes impossible to bring your dog with you when out of town, with Crapsteppers, you can always bring the pungent smell of dog crap with you regardless of how far from home you travel. Simply slip Crapsteppers rubber soles on your shoes, and instantly it smells as though you have been wallowing in dog poo. The scented rubber soles can be worn on any shoe – casual or formal. Imagine yourself sitting in your next boring business meeting wearing a pair of Crapsteppers. While those around you are gagging, you can relax and almost feel Rover between your toes.
For those dog owners with limited room to pack, Crapsteppers also comes in a convenient travel size spray as well as sensible towelette packets. The great news is the rubber slip ons, the travel spray, and towelettes come in three nose titillating fragrances: Outdoorsy – a classic mixture of doggy poo and fresh cut grass; OopsyFresh – the warm fragrance of fresh doggy poo in an enclosed area (such as a living room or kitchen) mixed with elegant touches of morning bacon and coffee; and LingeringHeaven – the faint yet distinctive fragrance of well cured and forgotten or lost doggy poo.
Can’t bring your best friend with you? Take along Crapsteppers! With Crapsteppers, you will never escape the lingering overpowering spice of dog poo that pet owners know and love so well.
This unique device is for the pet owner who is too busy or too lazy to take his dog for a walk, or the pet owner lives in an apartment with no space for Rover to run and play. The 3D device straps around Rover’s head over his eyes, so he can have the sensation of going on long walks or running free in vast open fields of daises (watch where you step!). It is also ideal for overweight couch potato dogs. The truly smart dog owner will buy two DoggySEE/DoggyRUN devices, so he can share long leisurely walks in the park and runs through mountain meadows with Rover. For the thoughtful dog owner, DoggySEE/DoggyRUN is all about taking an active interest in the life of your pet.
The HumanDoggyDoor comes directly from the why didn’t I think about this department! This ingenious structure is attached to and around a doggy door. It expands the opening so humans can also enter and leave the house or apartment at will. It comes complete with frame, door panels, and hardware to attach to Rover’s door, and it has doorknobs the human can be trained to turn to enter or leave the house or apartment. The structure also comes with locks as part of the doorknob assembly, so Rover can lock his owner in or out of the house/apartment at his discretion.
There is nothing fancy about any of these products. They are products that are long overdue on the pet market. Therefore, the next time you are in the car, house, or movie theater and smell dog poo, don’t ask who stepped in the poo, look for someone wearing rubber Crapsteppers instead.
©Jack Linton, May 2, 2017