When my grandkids handed me their Christmas lists, I was shocked! Each list is filled with gross and obnoxious toys. I am not lying – boogers and pooh headline their Christmas Lists. I have grown to expect inherited poor taste from the boys, but this year, the girls are just as bad. I am not a prude or stick-in-the-mud when it comes to gross; I enjoy a good juicy fart joke book or as a boy, shooting dripping spit balls and other bits and pieces of grossness with a rubber band. To me, the whole toy poopoo fad is funny and highly reflective of our society, but when my granddaughters ask for “turd launchers” and dolls that poo their pants for Christmas, that surpasses even my tolerance for gross. Why are kids so fascinated with toys devoted to body excretions? Do parents and grandparents buy their children and grandchildren such disgusting toys? Of course, we do, or the store shelves would not be stacked to the ceiling with such disgusting games and stuffed caricatures.
When my kids were growing up, my wife often chastised me for sharing what I considered to be a high quality dirty diaper or tasteful fart joke with my boys. My daughter, like her mama, was too classy to dabble in the sewer, but even she would sometimes cringe and laugh with us. Other than the boys absorbing my weird sense of humor, no harm that I am aware of was done. Heck, the uncouth things I subjected my kids to were tame compared to the crudeness of toys today. My best gross-outs pale in comparison to the toys found on Amazon.com or on Walmart toy shelves.
Apparently, there is a race among toy makers for the “Gross-out” title. There are toys galore that feature snot, boogers, farting, peeing, and even pooping! What is the deal with the obsession with crap? I am not talking about cheap, poorly made, waste of money toys although most of these toys certainly are, I am referring to toys that look and feel like real crap, number two, poo, poop, feces, manure, cow-pies, dung, and doo-doo. Who would have ever thought a “sack of poopoo” would have a major niche in the toy market? Take a stroll down the toy aisle in Walmart, Toys “R” Us, or shop for toys on Amazon.com, and you will be greeted by dolls that not only pee, but poop; giant noses with finger picking boogers; stuffed pigs that fart; and dogs that poo and come with pooper scooper accessories. I am not completely naïve; I fully understand boys twelve and under have always been fascinated with anything gross, but when did sweet little girls take up that banner? I can’t imagine why anyone, parents, grandparents, or toy makers, would want to teach our sweet little darlings that cleaning poop is fun!
There are those who claim lifelike dolls with life functions teach children to be responsible caring adults and parents. According to their reasoning, such toys provide children with life experiences. That is all well and good, but some life experiences are better left for later in life. Maybe, it’s my weak stomach, but in my opinion, cleaning poop from a baby’s bottom is one of those life experiences we can spare nine and ten-year-old girls without fear of psychological scarring. I don’t think I am wrong when I say cleaning a dirty diaper is a shitty experience regardless how devoted and loving you are as a parent. While I don’t totally disagree with the responsibility angle, for me, a pooping doll is like putting anatomically correct parts on Ken and Barbie. Ken doesn’t need a penis, nor does Barbie need a vagina for boys and girls to pretend they are boyfriend and girlfriend or husband and wife. Why teach children love is dependent on physical grappling? Likewise, why teach children cleaning poop is one of the pleasures of parenthood? The imagination is a wonderful place for boys and girls to dwell, so why destroy it with too much realism?
With many of the toys on the shelf this Christmas, there is a thin line between being an educational toy and a toy simply geared to rectal sensationalism. The grosser the toy the more popular! If it hangs from the nose or pops out the bottom, it is fun stuff. Unfortunately, gross appears to have no boundaries. There are also poo shaped and colored pillows for those who have always had a hankering to cuddle next to or lay their heads on an incredibly plush fiber or down filled turd. What will they come up with next? Poo shaped highway signage?
I don’t know where this trend goes from here, but I am sure, the grosser it gets, the better kids will like it. But, as a grandparent, that is not my problem. It is not grandpa and grandma’s responsibility to dig the grandkids out of the gutter; that’s mom and dad’s job. A grandparent’s job is to spoil them rotten, which includes buying them all the slime, guts, and rubber poo they think they need. Therefore, this Christmas, I plan to visit Amazon.com, Toys “R” Us, and Walmart, and buy the grossest games and toys I can find for my grandkids. I don’t care about the life experience the game provides, or if it has educational value, as long as it makes them laugh. I might not get grandparent of the year, but hearing them laugh is all the reward I need. Laughter is what childhood is all about even if it takes a little plastic fecal matter and nasal slime to help it happen.
So, for those adults who have a touch of a child in their heart, a spark of the rebel in their soul, and love to hear children laugh, I invite you to look at my grandkids’ Christmas list. It might not be wholesome; it may even be the grossest Christmas list ever compiled by kids, but if a doll with a greasy runny diaper will get me a hug and laughter for Christmas, you can bet a roll of toilet paper, I am all in! There is little doubt, the toys on the list will bring smiles and laughter to the little ones, but I would not be surprised if those toys, as gross as they are, tickle the kid in adults as well. Even the clogged hearts of constipated Grinches and Scrooges stand to be softened by the sight of a stuffed turd ornament on a Christmas tree; after all, it seems miracles come in brown this year.
Merry Christmas, and happy shopping! Remember, the grossest thing of all is a world, especially a Christmas, without laughter.
Santa’s Grossest Christmas List
The perfect Christmas gift list for kids and adults who love to laugh.
Doggie Doo Best Price: $25.89 at Amazon.com
The perfect game to train your kids to clean up after the family dog that you can’t house-break!
Who Tooted Best Price: $29.99 at Amazon.com
Great practice for those long family trips in the car!
Gooey Louie Best Price: $19.59 at Amazon.com
This game is the perfect consolation for those people who were disappointed to discover the History Channel’s “American Pickers” was not about booger harvesting.
Poopyhead Best Price: $16.95 at Amazon.com
As in real life, everyone gets crapped on, but the winner is the one who gets pooped on the least.
Gas Out Best Price: $10.49 at Amazon.com
Fast action farting fun! The perfect tooting game without the smell.
Lalaloopsy Babies Diaper Surprise Best Price: $149.99 at Amazon.com
There are probably much cheaper ways to play with pooping babies, but for those folks who go to sleep at night dreaming of finding surprises in dirty diapers, this doll is a sure bet to tickle their fancy.
Baby Alive Super Snacks Snackin Sara Best Price: $49.99 at Amazon.com
This baby poops in her diaper after she is fed! Just like a real baby the cycle never ends – feed and poop and clean mess, feed and poop and clean mess, feed and poop and clean mess. What fun!
PooPen Best Price: $4.68 at Amazon.com
Adds new meaning to crappy writing.
The Farting Animal Coloring Activity Book Best Price: $5.95 at Amazon.com
Kids learn all things toot even fuzzy kittens and mom!
Farting Santa Best Price: $14.99 at Amazon.com
This little guy is in my personal collection! Pull his finger and it is easy to see how Santa is propelled up a chimney.
Poop Christmas Tree Hanging Ornament Best Price: $11.95 at Amazon.com
A smiling pile of poo for your Christmas tree! Nothing says Christmas like a poo ornament on your tree.
Happy shopping! This Christmas brown is the new green.
©Jack Linton, December 9, 2017