Making New Year resolutions is a time-honored tradition. It is a time when many people jokingly make self-improvement goals they have no intention to honor. Year after year, people from presidents to school teachers engage in making such resolutions in the name of harmless fun. However, there are those of us who take such traditions seriously. We would never think about lying, even in fun, about anything as serious as how we intend to face a new beginning. No one is perfect in this world! All of us have certain undesired traits and behaviors that could stand improvement, and as a Believer in the Sanctity of New Year Resolutions (BSNYR), I – along with mega tens of like believers – am thankful for the chance to address my shortcomings and improve as a human being. Unfortunately, there are those who have no qualms wasting this valuable opportunity, and they readily show their irreverence for the occasion through their tongue-in-cheek approach.
The news media is a prime example! They go out of their way to support the ridiculous and embrace the New Year with a facetious simplistic approach. These perpetrators of fake news wallow in laughable self-indulging septic resolutions that cast a shadow over the first serious event/tradition of the new year. Sadly, such a mindless jocular beginning sets the tone for the rest of the year. The remaining 364 days never fully recover from the year’s raucous upside-down beginning. As dubious as that may sound, the recurring lunacy that follows throughout the year – year after year – is a testament to what happens when people do not take their New Year resolutions to heart.
Therefore, please forgive me if I proclaim my resolutions with a bit more “ump” than the average Joe. Resolutions are the yearly life blood that spurs me to continuous improvement as a human being, and folks I don’t take that lightly. But, if your approach to New Year resolutions is little more than fun and games, I say kudos if that tickles your pickle, but for me, I choose to be a bit more impish in my annual reproach to the New Year. However, regardless of where you stand on this issue, have a joyous and happy New Year, and above all, give your family a hug and a kiss. That is truly the best way to start the New Year with or without resolutions!
2019 New Year Resolutions:
1. I will never walk when I can ride (It doesn’t make sense);
2. I will buy new underwear (A year is about the limit for Fruit of the Loom);
3. I will answer my cell phone when I can find it;
4. I will go to the gym. (I try to visit at least once a year);
5. I will travel, travel, travel (Have I said it’s good to be retired);
6. I will keep my opinions to myself about self-serving meathead politicians;
7. I will give up uncooked bread and pasta;
8. I will remember to zip my pants when I leave the restroom (At my age, there is little cause for alarm, but the draft is not good for old folks during flu season);
9. I will be more assertive if no one is opposed;
10. I will spend less time listening to FOX NEWS, CNN, FACEBOOK, CONSERVATIVES, LIBERALS, DEMOCRATS, REPUBLICANS, and CRACKPOTS IN GENERAL; and
11. I will make breakable or adjustable New Year resolutions (It’s more truthful and less stressful).
This article has been approved by the 2019 Believers in the Sanctity of New Year Resolutions (BSNYR) membership board. All lies and responsibility for belief, disbelief, offense, feelings of betrayal, shock, and repulsiveness in the content is a figment of the imagination and squarely rests on the shoulders of the believer, disbeliever, offended, betrayed, shocked, and repulsed.
HAPPY NEW YEAR ya’ll!
©Jack Linton, January 1, 2019