Alternatives to Toilet Paper

This no toilet paper situation is getting old. I went to the store for a few essentials and once again no ground beef or toilet paper. There was plenty of fresh produce, so I can do without the meat, but toilet paper is a different crisis all together. What is the deal with toilet paper? Did people not wipe their butts prior to the COVID-19 virus crisis? Every time there is an announcement connected to the virus, people go toilet paper crazy and strip the store shelves bare! As a result, I have had to take some drastic actions.

As a precaution, I have come up with several toilet paper alternatives I may need to resort to in the near future if the shortage continues. These alternatives will work, at least to some degree, but if anyone follows my lead, I caution them selection and usage may vary from person to person and the end results are the sole responsibility of the reader/user.  Of course, this is not an exclusive list, so feel free to add to it if you have alternatives of your own:

Ten Toilet Paper Alternatives:

  1. Toilet Tissue – Since finding toilet paper in stores is so rare these days, I included it as alternative wipe. Toilet paper is hard to come by since everyone thinks they have to have a roll in each hand whenever they go to pot as well as a five-year supply in storage;


  1. Duct Tape – It will stick to anything, so don’t think it won’t stick and pull poo off a dirty rear. However, do not let it set too long, or it could remove large amounts of real estate from your nether region;


  1. A Sock – Remember all those single socks that come out of the wash with no match. Do I need say more? Those single socks without a mate are the perfect toilet paper substitute! Wear it like a glove and wipe away in comfort;


  1. Corn Cobs – The Mayans, Aztecs, and Colonial Americans used them to clean their plumbing, so there is no reason why we can’t do the same. Crawfish are plentiful this time of year, and corn on the cob is a common ingredient in a crawfish boil, so start saving those corn cobs. However, if you plan to use corn cobs from your crawfish boil, I would strongly suggest go light on the cayenne pepper in the boil;


  1. Seashells – Remember all those seashells the kids collected every summer at the beach. There is not a kid’s room, attic, or storage shed that doesn’t have a box or two of seashells sitting on a shelf taking up space. Without toilet paper, seashells are a perfectly designed alternative – just scrape and scoop;


  1. Magazines – The Sears & Roebuck catalog is a thing of the past, but there are still plenty of newspapers and magazines such as Southern Living, The New Yorker, and Home and Garden stacked next to the bed and/or recliner in most homes. If you have finished looking at the pictures – no one reads anymore – why not put them to good service?


  1. Fruit Skins – The skins of oranges and grapefruits make a great substitute toilet paper. Fruit skins also leave the booty with the delicate scent of fruit after each use;


  1. Sponge on a Stick – Warning! Not to be confused with chicken on a stick! The Romans used a sponge on a stick soaked in salt water to wipe their hiney. In fact, they shared the same community sponge, but if you choose this option, please keep it only in the family;


  1. Cell Phone Covers – A modern twist on using seashells to wipe dirty bottoms is the use of cell phone covers to scrape and scoop. The technique is the same, and since no one ever goes to the bathroom without their cell phone, there is little danger you will ever find yourself without a pooper scooper; and


  1. The Hand – I highly recommended avoiding the use of your hand for wiping unless it is an absolute last resort emergency. I know early Europeans used this technique, but they also went months without bathing. Of course, hands can be washed, but it is extremely difficult to clean under the fingernails after a hardy wipe

These alternatives will not resolve the toilet paper dilemma, but they might save the day if in a bind. The choice how you wipe and with what is yours, but please, the next time you are in Walmart, The Dollar Store, or your local grocery, and you happen to find toilet paper on the shelf, ask yourself one question, “Do I really need to buy another pack of toilet paper to go along with the 165 packs I have stored in the house and storage shed?” If the answer is yes, don’t be offended if your neighbor smells a little ripe or under their fingernails look like they have been digging in a mud pit.

Be a good neighbor – stay home and DON’T HOARD TOILET PAPER!

©Jack Linton, April 5, 2020


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