Tag Archives: animals

Such are the Stupid Things We Do

I don’t know what it is about our society, but it seems somebody somewhere is always doing something stupid.   Whether it is by design, by chance, or out of our penchant for convenience, there is never a shortage of the ridiculous.   Some of it we create and some of it is created for us, but either way as Forrest Gump said, “Stupid is as stupid does.”  That is even truer today.  Maybe, it is because, in today’s world, we have more opportunities to face stupidity, or maybe, we are just smarter today and can better identify stupid when we see it.

One of the stupidest things I have seen lately was a isign in a local PETCO store. First, I must explain, I am an animal lover (for the most part), but I have this unique ability to recognize animals are not human. Yes, I am one of those rare throwbacks who believe people are people and animals are animals. I am one of those horrible people who thinks there is nothing wrong with giving a dog or cat a biscuit or bone from the table. My wife and I make sure our pets are up to date on necessary shots and go to the vet when they are truly ill, but I do not buy into bi-annual doggy dental cleanings, doggy colonoscopies, or doggy birthing rooms, and the same goes for cats, hamsters, rabbits and pigs. For heaven’s sake, five minutes after a dog gets his teeth cleaned it is sniffing and licking anything nasty that comes within sniffing distance of its nose and tongue.  Therefore, are doggy dental cleanings really worth the effort?  Probably not, yet, such are the stupid things we do!

I have yet to see the value in flossing for my dog, but my wife insists dogs should have good manners, so we took our six month old, sweet as sin, hell on four legs, lab mix to PETCO for obedience training. While waiting for the instructor, I noticed a sign outlining guidelines for pet adoptions. I could not believe what I read! In addition to screening individuals for pet compatibility, anyone wishing to adopt a pet was subject to a polygraph and required to release their tax records for the past seven years to prove they were financially stable and could  provide a good home for the adopted pet. The adopting family had to agree to a criminal and psychiatric background check as well as an on-site home inspection and evaluation.  It was also recommended the new pet be provided private space with a written schedule for when human/pet interaction was permissible.  In a side note, there was a recommendation, though not required, the private space be a separate room with its own pooh facilities. I told my wife the guidelines went way too far, but she calmly assured me the guidelines were intended to match the pet with caring adults.  She said the requirements and suggestions were not a personal conspiracy against me or others like me.  I was not sure how to take “others like me,” but I accepted her explanation. Besides, it was obvious the whole thing was written by a liberal. I could even accept that, but when I read the last guideline that said pet counseling may be required, I fell to the floor laughing.

Pet counseling! I could see Simon, our lab mix, reclining on a shrink’s sofa, one paw lying across his eyes, the other holding a cigarette from which he took an occasional long draw. A female shrink sat across from him, legs crossed, an old time yellow legal pad and pencil in hand, asking questions. “Tell me about your parents,” she said.

Simon took a long draw on the cigarette and thought for a moment. “I only knew my mama for a few short weeks,” he said. “I didn’t know my daddy at all.”

How do you feel about that?” she asked.

Haven’t really given it much thought,” Simon said.

You ever feel depressed because of it?” the shrink asked.

Nothing that a little licking can’t cheer up,” Simon replied.

“Have you ever thought licking might be a sign of a deeper issue?” the female shrink asked.

No mam, when it comes to licking, I like it, so I do it.” Simon said and ground the cigarette into a cat shaped ashtray.  “If it feels good, I pretty much do it without much thought.” 

I believe Simon has life figured out better than any of us.  If it itches, scratch it; if it smells, sniff it; if it feels good, lick it, but whatever you do, don’t over think it.  I am most likely over thinking this pet counseling business, but in my opinion, pet counseling is one of the coolest stupid things people do. It is up there with paying a professional pooper scooper to clean your backyard. It’s true, some folks pay to have someone come to their house once a week and pick up dog and cat pooh.  In fact, pooper scoopers have their own organization, the Association of Professional Animal Waste Specialists.   It’s true – look it up!  Can you think of anything stupider?  I am not talking about the guy who makes money picking up pet pooh; I admire him for his ingenuity. I am talking about the nitwits who pay him, but such are the stupid things we do!

JL

©ack Linton, February 28, 2017

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Why Babies are Bald?

In the beginning there were many animals and only one man and one woman. The man and woman had no worries at all. The Great Spirit protected them, did all their shopping, and paid all the bills. They lived in a perfect world except for one little problem; they were jealous of the animals. The Great Spirit created the animals with thick warm fur and long majestic manes, but the man and woman felt slighted since they had been created with cheap shiny bald heads that burned badly under the summer sun and turned a purplish color during the winter cold. They looked anything but majestic; they looked more like land lobsters during the summer and varicose veins on stilts during the winter.

Baldness became a real issue for the humans. It became an even bigger problem than the sneaky serpent who flirted with the woman by throwing apples at her when she walked by his tree. That problem had been relatively easy to fix. The man asked the Great Spirit to speak to the serpent. The serpent was warned to leave the woman alone, but when the serpent proved too smitten with her to heed the warning, the Great Spirit removed the serpent’s arms and legs and gave them to the monkey. From that day forth the serpent slid on his belly and spent his time coiled at the foot of the apple tree scheming ways to get revenge on the Great Spirit and the man and woman he protected. Meanwhile, the monkey swung through the trees by his tail, learned to use his new hands to hold bananas, and since he could not figure any other use for his new legs, he practiced long hours to learn how to walk erect, which thousands of years later caused a great deal of confusion as to the origins of man.

As time passed, the man and woman grew cranky and mean and hardly spoke to each other. Every time they looked at each other, their bald heads reminded them how inferior they looked compared to the majestic animals. The day came when they could no longer stand the sight of each other; even their reflections in the rivers and streams made them ill.  Finally, they became so depressed that they sought professional help, but to their dismay they discovered professionals had yet to be invented.

Their depression became so deep that the Great Spirit began to worry about them, so he called all his buddies and the apprentice spirits to a great council fire called the Council of the Bald Knob. At the Council of the Bald Knob, a plan was devised to help the man and woman. In the spring, the Great Spirit gathered clay, the silk of the silk worm, the yellow rays of the sun, the curl of an Easter lily, and molded them along with a piece of his heart into a tiny being he called a child. The child with its head full of curly yellow hair and a manual called The Instruction Book were given to the man and woman. The Instruction Book not only provided hair care instructions, but it was filled with advice for raising children.

The woman was thrilled, but the man became very suspicious of her and the child. He refused to believe the child was his since it looked nothing like him. After all, the child had a full head of hair, but the man and the woman were bald, so how could the child be his? Of course the child was his; who else could it belong to, but unfortunately, the man refused to listen to reason. Nevertheless, the arrival of the child and his beautiful head of hair lifted the woman’s spirits; the child with his beautiful mane was more majestic than any animal she had ever seen.

While the woman doted over the child, the unreasonable man continued to deny the child was his and sank deeper and deeper into depression. The woman tried desperately to reason with him, but he was convinced he had been wronged and nothing she said could persuade him otherwise. Finally, the woman had enough and kicked him out of the cave they had shared since the Great Spirit created them. Meanwhile, the Great Spirit became very concerned that the man and the woman’s separation could play havoc with his time schedule for populating the earth, so he re-convened the Council of the Bald Knob, which he renamed the Council of the Bald Knob II. The Council had two objectives: help the foolish man cope with fatherhood whether he was ready or not, and convince the woman to take the foolish man back. After great deliberation, the Council finally agreed on a solution.

The following spring the Great Spirit sent the man and the woman a second son, but this time the child was bald like the man and the woman. The man was ecstatic; he passed out cigars to all the animals and partied for three days. He embraced his new son, and apologized over and over to the woman for doubting her, and pleaded for her forgiveness. Since he was the only erect walking option around, the woman forgave him and let him back into the cave. The foolish man learned his lesson and never doubted her again, and just to be make sure, from that day forward all babies were born bald, and even to this day most babies are bald or mostly bald at birth.

JL

©Jack Linton, November 29, 2014