Tag Archives: cat

Five New Pet Products Every Pet Owner must Have

Recently I was introduced to Lickibrush, a rubber brush shaped like a large tongue that is used by cat owners to bond with their pet.  Picture this – the cat owner grips the Lickibrush in his teeth and combs it through the cat’s fur with long grooming licking strokes.  Most cats do this for themselves, but somewhere along the way some smart and crafty cat decided it would be easier to train their human to lick for them.  As a result, the enterprising cat marketed Lickibrush as a tool for humans to bond with Frisky (or whatever their cat’s name might be).  Think about it; who is smarter – the cat getting a massage and groom without lifting a paw, or the silly human with a rubber tongue protruding from his face?

I like cats, and over the years, I bonded with several, but not once did it occur to me to strengthen that bond by licking them.  Whether it is a cat or a human, there are consequences for cat licking.  HAIRBALLS!  A cat choking, gagging, and throwing up hairballs is a disgusting sight to behold and even worse to clean up.  So, why in the name of all that is sane, would a cat owner want to engage in a process that will ultimately lead to convulsive heaving and expulsion of nasty human size hairballs?  Who wants to clean up that mess?  Bonding with my cat or any animal is just not that important to me!

I hope animal loving fanatics will forgive me, but I must politely and emphatically say, “NO!” to Lickibrush.  The product simply does not make sense.  However, I have several products I am preparing to market that not only make sense but are practical and beneficial in the world of animal lovers.  Like Lickibrush, these products may appear to be a bit peculiar, but I can assure you unlike Lickibrush each one makes perfect sense and lends itself to practical application in the world of pet mania.

Five New Pet Products Every Pet Owner has to Have

PooShootSniffer

This device is the ultimate gadget for getting into you dog’s head.  Dog owners wear the rubber dog snout with a soft pliable wet nose (simply moisten with water before each use) over their nose.  When wearing the PooShootSniffer, dog owners can bond with Rover in ways never imaginable.  The instructions are extremely simple – while wearing PooShootSniffer, the owner drops to his hands and knees behind their pet and sniffs.  That is all there is to it!  By sniffing Rover’s butt, the owner says “I care,” “I am here for you,” and “You are special.”   PooShootSniffer is the perfect remedy for dogs that are depressed or lonely.  WARNING:  If your dog growls when you are using PooShootSniffer, back off!  Rover is letting you know that he is uncomfortable, and you are violating his personal space.

Babelshit

This device is designed expressly for pet owners with talking parrots.  However, it could just as easily be used with children to prepare them for watching movies, riding the school bus, or hanging out at the mall.  Babelshit is an electronic device that is mounted on the side of Polly’s cage.  When switched on, it produces profanity in up to 64 languages.  It audibly feeds Polly a steady stream of intoxicating four letter words.  With Babelshit, your pet parrot as well as your kids can learn to curse like all the cool folks do these days.  Now, how cool and classy is that?

Crapsteppers

Have you ever been away from home on business or a vacation and missed your pets?  That can be a real bummer, and make the trip almost unbearable.  However, Crapsteppers can help remedy that lonely displaced feeling.  Crapsteppers are rubber shoe soles that smell like dog crap.  Although it is sometimes impossible to bring your dog with you when out of town, with Crapsteppers, you can always bring the pungent smell of dog crap with you regardless of how far from home you travel.  Simply slip Crapsteppers rubber soles on your shoes, and instantly it smells as though you have been wallowing in dog poo.  The scented rubber soles can be worn on any shoe – casual or formal.  Imagine yourself sitting in your next boring business meeting wearing a pair of Crapsteppers.  While those around you are gagging, you can relax and almost feel Rover between your toes.

For those dog owners with limited room to pack, Crapsteppers also comes in a convenient travel size spray as well as sensible towelette packets.  The great news is the rubber slip ons, the travel spray, and towelettes come in three nose titillating fragrances:  Outdoorsy – a classic mixture of doggy poo and fresh cut grass; OopsyFresh – the warm fragrance of fresh doggy poo in an enclosed area (such as a living room or kitchen) mixed with elegant touches of morning bacon and coffee; and LingeringHeaven – the faint yet distinctive fragrance of well cured and forgotten or lost doggy poo.

Can’t bring your best friend with you? Take along Crapsteppers!  With Crapsteppers, you will never escape the lingering overpowering spice of dog poo that pet owners know and love so well.

DoggySee/DoggyRun

This unique device is for the pet owner who is too busy or too lazy to take his dog for a walk, or the pet owner lives in an apartment with no space for Rover to run and play.  The 3D device straps around Rover’s head over his eyes, so he can have the sensation of going on long walks or running free in vast open fields of daises (watch where you step!).  It is also ideal for overweight couch potato dogs.   The truly smart dog owner will buy two DoggySEE/DoggyRUN devices, so he can share long leisurely walks in the park and runs through mountain meadows with Rover.  For the thoughtful dog owner, DoggySEE/DoggyRUN is all about taking an active interest in the life of your pet.

HumanDoggyDoor

The HumanDoggyDoor comes directly from the why didn’t I think about this department!  This ingenious structure is attached to and around a doggy door.  It expands the opening so humans can also enter and leave the house or apartment at will.  It comes complete with frame, door panels, and hardware to attach to Rover’s door, and it has doorknobs the human can be trained to turn to enter or leave the house or apartment.  The structure also comes with locks as part of the doorknob assembly, so Rover can lock his owner in or out of the house/apartment at his discretion.

 

There is nothing fancy about any of these products.  They are products that are long overdue on the pet market.  Therefore, the next time you are in the car, house, or movie theater and smell dog poo, don’t ask who stepped in the poo, look for someone wearing rubber Crapsteppers instead.

JL

©Jack Linton, May 2, 2017

Cats also go to Heaven

When I was ten, I had a special friend, a humongous black cat.  Like most animals in my life – Spot, Chitlings, Yellow Cat, and Mama Cat – his name was not very creative, it was simply Blackie.  However, there was nothing simple about my black cat.  He was huge, not fat, but chiseled and lean; he was a hunter – a wanderer.  My parents did not have money to spend on a cat to get it “fixed” and ease its inclination to roam the county wining and dining the lady cats, or as my granddaddy said “catting around.”  They could not afford to spend hard to come by money on an animal with no useful purpose other than catching mice around the house and the occasional rat in the feed shed between the chicken and pig pens.

When it came to animals that didn’t produce eggs, milk, or meat for the table, my mama and daddy were necessity bound cheap.  Our dogs and cats were well taken care of though, but they did not wear collars, go to the vet when sick, live in the house, or eat special cereal based protein diets from a bag or can.  They dined on food scrapes from the table including such delicacies as cornbread soaked in pot licker from yesterday’s pot of field peas and chicken bones from the fried chicken Mama cooked for supper.  Not once do I remember one of them being sick from too much grease in their diet or choking to death on a bone.  They chewed and played with ham bones and sticks, and their only squeaky toy was the chipmunk or squirrel they cornered in the backyard.

Our dogs and cats led a great life and, with the exception of Blackie, they hung close to the house or at least within hollering distance without need for collars or fences.   For Blackie, sooner or later, the itch for a girlfriend always grew too strong, and he would disappear for long periods of time – days, weeks, and once for over a year.  In between romances, he always found his way home where it was common to see him riding wrapped around my shoulders, a breathing fur collar, relaxing and recuperating from his adventures.  He often followed me to Grandma’s pond where he sat at my feet ready to pounce on any fish I caught.  Most times, I sacrificed the first fish to him, so he would leave me alone.  We were inseparable well into my teens, until he, like youth, faded from my life.

I never expected to find another Blackie, but many years later, thanks to my oldest son and his wife, I did.  While living in Iuka, Mississippi, they found a homeless kitten as black as coal and took him into their home.  Shortly afterwards, their jobs took them to Bay St. Louis, Mississippi where they rented an apartment that did not allow pets, and the black cat, they called Sebastian, came to live with me and my wife.  I take no responsibility for his majesty’s loving demeanor, touch of arrogance, or preferences for riding on his human’s shoulders or being cradled like an infant.  His easy going loving behavior with a touch of arrogance was God’s gift, but his love for riding on shoulders and being cradled was first nurtured by my son and daughter-in-law.   It is no secret the only reason they agreed to leave Sebastian with us permanently after they bought their first home was they felt sorry for the lonely old man and woman.  I am so glad they did.

For 15 years, while we watched television in the evenings, Sebastian slept in my wife’s lap or nested on my chest under my chin as I reclined in my recliner.  When I typed my dissertation, short stories, and blogs, he sat in my lap fighting the keyboard for my attention.  Relentlessly, he pushed and wedged his nose between my fingers and the keyboard, coaxing me to massage his forehead or stroke gently under his chin until he slipped into a deep purring sleep.  He was obsessed with being cradled like an infant, and if he saw me standing idly, he took it as an opportunity to sink his claws into a pants leg and flesh and climb his way into my arms.

He loved our grandchildren, or at least tolerated them.  Any other cat would have clawed out their eyes, but he allowed them to drape him over an arm and half carry, half drag him around the house or yard.  As my daughter says, “He was dragged and slung, but mostly hugged by many kiddos, and appeared to love every minute of it.  He was indeed special!”  In the fifteen years he lived with us, not once did he attempt to bite or scratch one of them although at times his tail twitched unhappily and his face pleaded for deliverance.   His gentleness captivated everyone – veterinarians, visitors to our home, and grandchildren.  Sebastian was everybody’s friend, and asked for nothing but to be held and squeezed even if sometimes a bit too hard.

Every morning Sebastian sat patiently at the back door to be let in to eat.  He was a finicky eater, so we fed him canned tuna fish, fried chicken my wife fried exclusively for him, or she boiled and seasoned chicken livers, which was his favorite.  In the evenings, he sat patiently at the back door waiting to be let in, so he could pick one of us to sit with and watch television for the night.  My wife and Sebastian were often snoring together within minutes of any show we watched, and when not, he was psnoring (purring + snoring) on my chest under my chin.  At bedtime, we would let him out where for the past four months of his life he slept in the doghouse with Simon, our mix breed puppy.  Like the grandchildren, he tolerated the dog.

Sunday morning, New Year’s Day 2017, a steady rain was falling and Sebastian was not waiting at the back door nor was he waiting at the back door that evening.  Thinking he was rolled up somewhere staying warm and dry, I was not overly concerned.  When he did not show Monday morning, I knew something was wrong and started searching.  I found him in the dog house where he had gone to sleep listening to the rain and peacefully passed away in his sleep.

The whole family was heartbroken.  Sebastian had no idea he was a cat.  He was a member of the family, and loved by all.  He ruled our home for 15 years, and we would have gladly allowed him to rule for another 15.  We will miss him, but we are thankful he was a part of our lives for so long.  He left us with a lifetime of memories, and there is one thing I am now sure of – if all dogs go to heaven as I have heard so often, then cats go to heaven as well.  After all, how could dogs possibly exist in heaven without cats, especially cats like Sebastian, to keep them in line?  Sebastian already had his wings before he left this earth, so heaven was a natural fit.  I think the angels who greeted him and cradled him in their arms agree.  My fifteen year old grandson said it best, “Sebastian was the coolest cat ever!”  We miss you Sebastian!

R.I.P.  Sebastian – 2002-2017

JL

©Jack Linton, January 2, 2017