It is not a secret I have always despised cell phones, but it is not widely known that I have finally seen the light. To my wife’s surprise, I recently moved from the dark side to the side of the Enlighted and the Cool! I even bought a new Hawaiian shirt to show how cool I am. No longer do I hate the idea of being tethered to a cell phone, and cell phone users, who I once thought of as obnoxious creatures with little or no manners, do not bother me at all anymore. Before my transformation, I didn’t “get it” when it came to cell phones or their users, but now I do. It took longer than it should have, but I finally realized everything I had always believed about cell phone users was wrong! Being self-centered and inconsiderate is not a terrible thing at all. What I once perceived as being rude, disrespectful, and inconsiderate are tools cell phone users use to keep society at bay, family and friends in their place, and themselves at the center of the universe.
This is a complete turnaround from the old me, who saw cell phone users as self-centered idiots with cancer plates shoved against their ear holes 24/7. Since my change, however, I have joined forces with cell phone users; I am all about being rude, disrespectful, and inconsiderate if it ensures my place at the center of the universe. Remember, cell phone users believe they are the most important people in the world; they are the center of the universe. The new me thinks no differently.
To convey this message to everyone, the dysfunctional cell phone user understands he/she must master being rude, disrespectful, and inconsiderate. However, that is not as easy as it sounds. I discovered it takes practice to be self-centered every single day although it is easier with a cell phone in your hand. To make it even easier, I developed ten simple guidelines for cell phone usage to help hardcore cell phone users, newbies, and returnees. like me, master the art of dysfunctional cell phone usage. I call these quick, nitty gritty, get down to the dirty, guidelines “How to Use Your Cell Phone to be RUDE, DISRESPECTFUL and INCONSIDERATE.” This short tutorial should be mass produced and placed in the box of every new cell phone sold. As we all know, for many cell phone users, being rude, disrespectful, and inconsiderate comes naturally, but for some, these traits must be learned. Here’s to learning!
How to Use Your Cell Phone to be RUDE, DISRESPECTFUL and INCONSIDERATE
- Stay glued to your cell phone during family or social gatherings. This will show everyone just how bored you are and that there are more important people in your life than the people you are with;
- Interrupt dinner at home or in a restaurant by answering your cell phone at the table. This will show just how little you think of everyone at the table as well as keep you at the center of the conversation;
- Answer your cell phone while engaged in a face to face conversation with another person. Nothing says the caller is more important better than disengaging from a conversation to answer your cell phone. Sorry, but answering for a family emergency or an important business call you told the other person about at the start of your conversation does not give you points for rudeness;
- Once the lights go down in the movie theater, call or text a friend. You paid for use of the seat and air conditioning, so other than Alfred Hitchcock, no one should care. If they do, so what!
- Call someone before 9 am or after 9 pm. So what if they are sleeping or trying to get kids and themselves off to school and work! Waiting until after morning coffee and breakfast or until the next morning is an inconvenience that can be avoided. [Note: Rudeness points are not awarded for family and close friends];
- Say “What?” when you answer your cell phone. Let the caller know up front he/she better have a good reason for calling;
- Engage in a phone conversation while doing your business on the toilet. Who says there can’t be human interaction when churning the pot? There is nothing wrong with a few grunts and groans between words or sentences. Also, there is no greater closure to a phone conversation than a toilet flushing;
- When talking on your cell phone, talk loud enough to shake the windows. When dining out, shopping, visiting, or using the toilet, nothing is as discouraging to eavesdroppers as someone using their “inside voice” when talking on their cell phone, so speak up;
- Completely segregate yourself from the world around you by plugging into your cell phone every minute of every hour you are awake. When walking around with a cell phone to your ear or your nose stuck to the screen, you appear unapproachable – mission accomplished; and
- Make your cell phone the priority in your life! Ignore personal relationships by relegating them to social media, texting, and talking on your cell phone.
By the way, if you are one of the few who really doesn’t want to be RUDE, DISRESPECTFUL and INCONSIDERATE of others when using your cell phone, I have one final piece of advice – SHUT IT OFF, PUT IT IN YOUR POCKET OR PURSE, AND TALK TO YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS! Get to know them; it is the human way.
©Jack Linton, June 1, 2017