Tag Archives: funny blog

New Year Resolutions: Fun or Serious

Making New Year resolutions is a time-honored tradition.  It is a time when many people jokingly make self-improvement goals they have no intention to honor.  Year after year, people from presidents to school teachers engage in making such resolutions in the name of harmless fun.  However, there are those of us who take such traditions seriously.  We would never think about lying, even in fun, about anything as serious as how we intend to face a new beginning.  No one is perfect in this world!  All of us have certain undesired traits and behaviors that could stand improvement, and as a Believer in the Sanctity of New Year Resolutions (BSNYR), I – along with mega tens of like believers – am thankful for the chance to address my shortcomings and improve as a human being.  Unfortunately, there are those who have no qualms wasting this valuable opportunity, and they readily show their irreverence for the occasion through their tongue-in-cheek approach.

The news media is a prime example!  They go out of their way to support the ridiculous and embrace the New Year with a facetious simplistic approach.  These perpetrators of fake news wallow in laughable self-indulging septic resolutions that cast a shadow over the first serious event/tradition of the new year.  Sadly, such a mindless jocular beginning sets the tone for the rest of the year.  The remaining 364 days never fully recover from the year’s raucous upside-down beginning.  As dubious as that may sound, the recurring lunacy that follows throughout the year – year after year – is a testament to what happens when people do not take their New Year resolutions to heart.

Therefore, please forgive me if I proclaim my resolutions with a bit more “ump” than the average Joe.  Resolutions are the yearly life blood that spurs me to continuous improvement as a human being, and folks I don’t take that lightly.  But, if your approach to New Year resolutions is little more than fun and games, I say kudos if that tickles your pickle, but for me, I choose to be a bit more impish in my annual reproach to the New Year.  However, regardless of where you stand on this issue, have a joyous and happy New Year, and above all, give your family a hug and a kiss.  That is truly the best way to start the New Year with or without resolutions!  

2019 New Year Resolutions:

1.     I will never walk when I can ride (It doesn’t make sense);

2.     I will buy new underwear (A year is about the limit for Fruit of the Loom);

3.     I will answer my cell phone when I can find it;

4.     I will go to the gym.  (I try to visit at least once a year);

5.     I will travel, travel, travel (Have I said it’s good to be retired);

6.     I will keep my opinions to myself about self-serving meathead politicians;

7.     I will give up uncooked bread and pasta;

8.     I will remember to zip my pants when I leave the restroom (At my age, there is little cause for alarm, but the draft is not good for old folks during flu season);

9.     I will be more assertive if no one is opposed;

10.  I will spend less time listening to FOX NEWS, CNN, FACEBOOK, CONSERVATIVES, LIBERALS, DEMOCRATS, REPUBLICANS, and CRACKPOTS IN GENERAL; and

11.  I will make breakable or adjustable New Year resolutions (It’s more truthful and less stressful).

This article has been approved by the 2019 Believers in the Sanctity of New Year Resolutions (BSNYR) membership board.  All lies and responsibility for belief, disbelief, offense, feelings of betrayal, shock, and repulsiveness in the content is a figment of the imagination and squarely rests on the shoulders of the believer, disbeliever, offended, betrayed, shocked, and repulsed. 

HAPPY NEW YEAR ya’ll!

JL

©Jack Linton, January 1, 2019

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A Crappy Christmas Tradition

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Reading is extremely important in my family, but not just any reading.  I am talking about engaging in scholarly, mind bending, and soul inspiring literature that stiffens the backbone and jolts emotions into overdrive.  I am talking about a passion that has given birth to a family Christmas tradition.  A tradition, so indoctrinated into the lives of my two sons that Christmas would not be the same without it.  Every Christmas for years I have presented each of my sons a special book that I often spent minutes picking out at a local book store.  Seeing the anticipation and excitement in their eyes and the misty jealousy in the eyes of their spouses on Christmas mornings is a highlight of Christmas for me.  Sharing in their love of reading, if only for the brief moment it takes them to unwrap their special book and lay it aside, is simply invigorating.  It brings so much joy that this past Christmas I included my oldest grandson in the tradition and gave him his first special book.  Like his uncles, I thought he coped extremely well.

There is only one book that can command such attention and devotion.  Only one book is tantalizing and fascinating enough to inspire a family tradition, yet it is seldom found in libraries or on home bookshelves.  It is a book that is most often found with dog-eared pages and stained covers lying at the foot of the thrones of kings.  Actually, a series of books with over 15,000,000 copies in print, it is a mainstay in homes across America where it holds a place of prominence in America’s number one conservative and liberal “think tank.”  Of course, I am talking about the one and only Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader.

With over thirty titles and counting in print, these books are filled with a perpetual cesspool of titillating facts, humor, and trivia that only true connoisseurs of knowledge can appreciate.  These books are conservative America’s answer to such classics as The Great Gatsby and Pride and Prejudice.  Instead of feeling like crap muddling through and trying to stay awake reading such classics, readers of the Uncle John books can engage in flitter flatter of the brain while anointing the throne.  Unlike the classics that so often beckon with the glow of a flashlight with dying batteries, Uncle John’s Bathroom Readers come at you with the blinding splendor of a lighthouse on steroids.  The books are glaringly void of substance, yet thick and wickedly subtle in wit, and although, they may range from thought provoking (it happens) to pure crap (no pun intended), they are rarely boring, so get out of the way Fitzgerald and Austen.

For the discerning reader with a savory appetite for Americana, “The Bathroom Reader” is the ultimate escape.  Indulging in it brings a sense of WOW and clarity into the normal everyday drudgery of life.  You never know what awaits you in an Uncle John’s book.  As a Christmas tradition, it might appear weird or outrageous, but what other tradition can evoke such Yuletide excitement from the kids as, “Really?  Again, this year?;”  “Dad, why?;” “But, Dad, you gave me a paperweight last year!;” or “Thank you, thank you, thank you!  This is the one I needed to finish the ottoman at the foot of the toilet.”  Giving such a thoughtful gift brings a warm satisfied feeling, but the knowledge that I am giving my sons and grandson (I guess my daughter and granddaughters could be included if they also had problematic taste) something they can treasure for a lifetime is the ultimate holiday thrill.  It is truly a tradition that brings tears to the eyes of loved ones.

However, there are some who may doubt the worthiness of a Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader as a Christmas tradition, but such doubts will be put to rest once they view the sample slices of bathroom wisdom in the following chart.  I am confident these gems will encourage others to start their own Uncle John’s Christmas tradition; it’s not half as crappy as it sounds.  Ask my sons and grandson!  The books have so many uses; for example, they make great pee-pee stools for the little boys in the family!

Slices from Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader served with My Thoughts:

1.     Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader:   In 2012, John Hopkins University published a report that said hydrogen sulfide, the gas that gives farts a rotten egg smell, had been shown to reduce high blood pressure in mice.  The report suggested that someday the gas might be used to lower high blood pressure in humans.  The biggest question the researchers had was whether the act of farting or sniffing the fart lowered blood pressure.

My Thoughts:  I wonder if they are still looking for human gas dispensers and sniffers.  Finding sniffers may prove difficult, but I have a couple of grandkids that are natural shooters with unlimited natural resources.

2.     Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader:  The Japanese say they can extract an exact chemical copy of natural vanilla from cow poo.  They plan to use the cow poo vanilla in products such as shampoo.

My Thoughts:   That would certainly give a new meaning to a crappy hair day.

3.     Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader:  Ancient Egyptians used a spermicide made from crocodile poo and honey for birth control.

My Thoughts:   I don’t know if the practice had much impact on births, but I bet the mortality rate of crocodile poo collectors was high enough to stabilize the population.

4.     Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader:  Sweet Maria, a coffee roaster, markets a coffee processed from the poo of the Brazilian Jacu bird.  The bird eats coffee beans and passes them whole in its poo.  The bean is extracted from the poo, which when roasted and brewed removes the bitterness from the coffee.

My Thoughts:  I am not a coffee drinker nor can I say if being extracted from Jacu bird poo actually makes coffee less bitter, but maybe it does explain that gosh awful coffee breath.

5.     Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader:  Plant-based foods produce the most flatulence but not the smelliest farts.  Animal-based foods, particularly eggs and meat, are rich in Sulphur; therefore, those foods produce stinkier farts.   Fructose (sugar that naturally occurs in fruit) is a fart-producer, as are compounds found in cauliflower, Brussels sprouts, broccoli, and, of course, beans.

My Thoughts:  All mamas and wives need to remember this the next time they force the kids to eat their broccoli or insist their husbands order the steamed vegetables with their steak.

P.S.   To my sons: Look through your inventories of Uncle John books, and send me a list of the titles you have, so I don’t get you a book you already have for Christmas.  I wouldn’t want to spoil our Christmas tradition.

JL

©Jack Linton, November 20, 2016

Christians, You have been Warned!

Recently, I read an article that caused me to sit up and take notice.  The article, “Adult Coloring Books and Mandalas, A Warning for Christians,” opened my eyes to a sinister plot designed to mislead and warp unassuming Christian minds.  In the article, the author warns that coloring an intricate circle pattern, called a mandala, found in most adult coloring books is a dangerous practice that may lead to submersion with demonic “deities.”  I was astounded!  Although I have long been troubled by thinly veiled threats to the Christian community, I had no idea a coloring book could be so heinous and deceitful.  Unfortunately, coloring books are not the only seemingly innocent everyday item used for the work of the devil.  I know of a far greater threat to Christians than mandalas.  If left unaddressed, this item could threaten the very existence of Christianity – especially in America!

This item – found in every Christian home across America – is actually a sophisticated version of an item people have used for countless centuries.  The media inundates us daily with commercials telling us to buy this brand of the item or that brand.  Yes, it comes in brands!  The devil has cleverly created a brand for every taste!  Shamelessly sitting on shelves in Walmart, Corner Market, Target and just about every other grocery or convenience store in America, it also sits in plain view in Christian homes.  It is a necessity in our lives.  The item is toilet paper!

I do not have a problem with toilet paper itself, but as a Christian, I do have a problem with the shape of the individual tissues on the roll – square.  It bothers me greatly, that until now, no one, including me, has warned Christians to stay away from toilet tissue squares.  When I say toilet tissue squares are not to be taken lightly, I realize most people will think I am crazy.  However, inattention to this threat could very well jeopardize a Christian’s entry into heaven.

The square has long been associated with religion – Christian and pagan.  In both, the square invites a feeling of immutability – God (gods for pagans) is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.  This duality of conceptual thinking constitutes a contradiction of balance in the universe for Christians, and places them in a perpetual struggle with all they do not understand.  Multiply this paradox by 165 two ply squares per toilet tissue roll and it is easy to see the gravity of the situation for Christians, especially when they tend to stockpile the rolls in their homes.  Do the math!  Bringing home one twelve pack of toilet paper (the cheap stuff) from Walmart is equivalent to infesting a Christian home with 3960 symbolic pagan squares.  Without knowing it, Christians are turning their homes over to the pagans.

You may say I am overreacting, but am I?  No one can deny the place of the square in pagan beliefs.  Early non-Christians looked at the square as a symbol of the four elements – fire, water, air, and earth.  At Stonehenge, Druids referred to the square within the circle as the Truth of Sacred Geometry.  In Islam, the square is a symbol of the four sides of the heart – Angelic, Diabolic, Human, and Divine.  For the Hindu, the square represents the natural order of the universe, and the square symbolizes an objective awareness in Buddhism.  Sounds harmless enough, but do Christians really want such a pagan symbol in their homes?  Is it in the best interest of the children in the home to keep such a paradox to their Christian faith next to the second most used seat in the house?  Of course not, so why do Christians allow toilet paper squares, an undisputable mockery of what they believe, into their homes?

However, some argue the square is a Christian religious and spiritual symbol as well; therefore, we must not be too quick to denounce it.  I agree to a certain extent.  In Christian symbolism, the square represents spiritual concepts related to the number four, such as the four corners of the earth and the Four Evangelists – Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John.  The square is also frequently used in Christian art as a halo to signify a saintly person.  Although, this lends credibility to the square from a Christian perspective, it nevertheless, creates a paradox of its own, and this is where I rest my case.  SHOULD CHRISTIANS be wiping their hiny with squares that carry significance for their religion?  I think not!

So, my question is do Christians really want to use toilet paper squares to wipe and risk going to hell, or should they stand against toilet paper on behalf of Christianity and boycott it?  People did just fine without the stuff for thousands of years prior to its invention in 1857; corncobs and paper catalogues were good enough for our ancestors, so why aren’t they good enough for us?  Also, is toilet paper really about wiping in comfort, or is it pagan evangelism subtly calling to Christians?  As for me, I will continue to wipe, but when I do, I will grab a newspaper or catalog.  It may not be “squeezably soft” or as fluffy as a blue bear, but at least I’ll be true to what I believe.  However, in the end (oops, a little pun), I am sure most people, including Christians, will continue to use toilet paper, but if they do, at least I have done my part and given them fair warning.

Go, and wipe in peace.

JL

©Jack Linton, August 28, 2016