Tag Archives: funny

How to Use Your Cell Phone to be RUDE, DISRESPECTFUL and INCONSIDERATE

It is not a secret I have always despised cell phones, but it is not widely known that I have finally seen the light.  To my wife’s surprise, I recently moved from the dark side to the side of the Enlighted and the Cool!  I even bought a new Hawaiian shirt to show how cool I am.  No longer do I hate the idea of being tethered to a cell phone, and cell phone users, who I once thought of as obnoxious creatures with little or no manners, do not bother me at all anymore.  Before my transformation, I didn’t “get it” when it came to cell phones or their users, but now I do.  It took longer than it should have, but I finally realized everything I had always believed about cell phone users was wrong!  Being self-centered and inconsiderate is not a terrible thing at all.  What I once perceived as being rude, disrespectful, and inconsiderate are tools cell phone users use to keep society at bay, family and friends in their place, and themselves at the center of the universe.

This is a complete turnaround from the old me, who saw cell phone users as self-centered idiots with cancer plates shoved against their ear holes 24/7.  Since my change, however, I have joined forces with cell phone users; I am all about being rude, disrespectful, and inconsiderate if it ensures my place at the center of the universe. Remember, cell phone users believe they are the most important people in the world; they are the center of the universe.  The new me thinks no differently.

To convey this message to everyone, the dysfunctional cell phone user understands he/she must master being rude, disrespectful, and inconsiderate.  However, that is not as easy as it sounds.  I discovered it takes practice to be self-centered every single day although it is easier with a cell phone in your hand.  To make it even easier, I developed ten simple guidelines for cell phone usage to help hardcore cell phone users, newbies, and returnees. like me, master the art of dysfunctional cell phone usage.  I call these quick, nitty gritty, get down to the dirty, guidelines “How to Use Your Cell Phone to be RUDE, DISRESPECTFUL and INCONSIDERATE.”  This short tutorial should be mass produced and placed in the box of every new cell phone sold.  As we all know, for many cell phone users, being rude, disrespectful, and inconsiderate comes naturally, but for some, these traits must be learned.  Here’s to learning!

How to Use Your Cell Phone to be RUDE, DISRESPECTFUL and INCONSIDERATE

  1. Stay glued to your cell phone during family or social gatherings. This will show everyone just how bored you are and that there are more important people in your life than the people you are with;
  2. Interrupt dinner at home or in a restaurant by answering your cell phone at the table. This will show just how little you think of everyone at the table as well as keep you at the center of the conversation;
  3. Answer your cell phone while engaged in a face to face conversation with another person. Nothing says the caller is more important better than disengaging from a conversation to answer your cell phone.  Sorry, but answering for a family emergency or an important business call you told the other person about at the start of your conversation does not give you points for rudeness;
  4. Once the lights go down in the movie theater, call or text a friend.  You paid for use of the seat and air conditioning, so other than Alfred Hitchcock, no one should care.  If they do, so what!
  5. Call someone before 9 am or after 9 pm. So what if they are sleeping or trying to get kids and themselves off to school and work!  Waiting until after morning coffee and breakfast or until the next morning is an inconvenience that can be avoided. [Note:  Rudeness points are not awarded for family and close friends];
  6. Say “What?” when you answer your cell phone. Let the caller know up front he/she better have a good reason for calling;
  7. Engage in a phone conversation while doing your business on the toilet. Who says there can’t be human interaction when churning the pot?  There is nothing wrong with a few grunts and groans between words or sentences.  Also, there is no greater closure to a phone conversation than a toilet flushing;
  8. When talking on your cell phone, talk loud enough to shake the windows. When dining out, shopping, visiting, or using the toilet, nothing is as discouraging to eavesdroppers as someone using their “inside voice” when talking on their cell phone, so speak up;
  9. Completely segregate yourself from the world around you by plugging into your cell phone every minute of every hour you are awake. When walking around with a cell phone to your ear or your nose stuck to the screen, you appear unapproachable – mission accomplished; and
  10. Make your cell phone the priority in your life! Ignore personal relationships by relegating them to social media, texting, and talking on your cell phone.

By the way, if you are one of the few who really doesn’t want to be RUDE, DISRESPECTFUL and INCONSIDERATE of others when using your cell phone, I have one final piece of advice – SHUT IT OFF, PUT IT IN YOUR POCKET OR PURSE, AND TALK TO YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS!  Get to know them; it is the human way.

JL

©Jack Linton, June 1, 2017

Five New Pet Products Every Pet Owner must Have

Recently I was introduced to Lickibrush, a rubber brush shaped like a large tongue that is used by cat owners to bond with their pet.  Picture this – the cat owner grips the Lickibrush in his teeth and combs it through the cat’s fur with long grooming licking strokes.  Most cats do this for themselves, but somewhere along the way some smart and crafty cat decided it would be easier to train their human to lick for them.  As a result, the enterprising cat marketed Lickibrush as a tool for humans to bond with Frisky (or whatever their cat’s name might be).  Think about it; who is smarter – the cat getting a massage and groom without lifting a paw, or the silly human with a rubber tongue protruding from his face?

I like cats, and over the years, I bonded with several, but not once did it occur to me to strengthen that bond by licking them.  Whether it is a cat or a human, there are consequences for cat licking.  HAIRBALLS!  A cat choking, gagging, and throwing up hairballs is a disgusting sight to behold and even worse to clean up.  So, why in the name of all that is sane, would a cat owner want to engage in a process that will ultimately lead to convulsive heaving and expulsion of nasty human size hairballs?  Who wants to clean up that mess?  Bonding with my cat or any animal is just not that important to me!

I hope animal loving fanatics will forgive me, but I must politely and emphatically say, “NO!” to Lickibrush.  The product simply does not make sense.  However, I have several products I am preparing to market that not only make sense but are practical and beneficial in the world of animal lovers.  Like Lickibrush, these products may appear to be a bit peculiar, but I can assure you unlike Lickibrush each one makes perfect sense and lends itself to practical application in the world of pet mania.

Five New Pet Products Every Pet Owner has to Have

PooShootSniffer

This device is the ultimate gadget for getting into you dog’s head.  Dog owners wear the rubber dog snout with a soft pliable wet nose (simply moisten with water before each use) over their nose.  When wearing the PooShootSniffer, dog owners can bond with Rover in ways never imaginable.  The instructions are extremely simple – while wearing PooShootSniffer, the owner drops to his hands and knees behind their pet and sniffs.  That is all there is to it!  By sniffing Rover’s butt, the owner says “I care,” “I am here for you,” and “You are special.”   PooShootSniffer is the perfect remedy for dogs that are depressed or lonely.  WARNING:  If your dog growls when you are using PooShootSniffer, back off!  Rover is letting you know that he is uncomfortable, and you are violating his personal space.

Babelshit

This device is designed expressly for pet owners with talking parrots.  However, it could just as easily be used with children to prepare them for watching movies, riding the school bus, or hanging out at the mall.  Babelshit is an electronic device that is mounted on the side of Polly’s cage.  When switched on, it produces profanity in up to 64 languages.  It audibly feeds Polly a steady stream of intoxicating four letter words.  With Babelshit, your pet parrot as well as your kids can learn to curse like all the cool folks do these days.  Now, how cool and classy is that?

Crapsteppers

Have you ever been away from home on business or a vacation and missed your pets?  That can be a real bummer, and make the trip almost unbearable.  However, Crapsteppers can help remedy that lonely displaced feeling.  Crapsteppers are rubber shoe soles that smell like dog crap.  Although it is sometimes impossible to bring your dog with you when out of town, with Crapsteppers, you can always bring the pungent smell of dog crap with you regardless of how far from home you travel.  Simply slip Crapsteppers rubber soles on your shoes, and instantly it smells as though you have been wallowing in dog poo.  The scented rubber soles can be worn on any shoe – casual or formal.  Imagine yourself sitting in your next boring business meeting wearing a pair of Crapsteppers.  While those around you are gagging, you can relax and almost feel Rover between your toes.

For those dog owners with limited room to pack, Crapsteppers also comes in a convenient travel size spray as well as sensible towelette packets.  The great news is the rubber slip ons, the travel spray, and towelettes come in three nose titillating fragrances:  Outdoorsy – a classic mixture of doggy poo and fresh cut grass; OopsyFresh – the warm fragrance of fresh doggy poo in an enclosed area (such as a living room or kitchen) mixed with elegant touches of morning bacon and coffee; and LingeringHeaven – the faint yet distinctive fragrance of well cured and forgotten or lost doggy poo.

Can’t bring your best friend with you? Take along Crapsteppers!  With Crapsteppers, you will never escape the lingering overpowering spice of dog poo that pet owners know and love so well.

DoggySee/DoggyRun

This unique device is for the pet owner who is too busy or too lazy to take his dog for a walk, or the pet owner lives in an apartment with no space for Rover to run and play.  The 3D device straps around Rover’s head over his eyes, so he can have the sensation of going on long walks or running free in vast open fields of daises (watch where you step!).  It is also ideal for overweight couch potato dogs.   The truly smart dog owner will buy two DoggySEE/DoggyRUN devices, so he can share long leisurely walks in the park and runs through mountain meadows with Rover.  For the thoughtful dog owner, DoggySEE/DoggyRUN is all about taking an active interest in the life of your pet.

HumanDoggyDoor

The HumanDoggyDoor comes directly from the why didn’t I think about this department!  This ingenious structure is attached to and around a doggy door.  It expands the opening so humans can also enter and leave the house or apartment at will.  It comes complete with frame, door panels, and hardware to attach to Rover’s door, and it has doorknobs the human can be trained to turn to enter or leave the house or apartment.  The structure also comes with locks as part of the doorknob assembly, so Rover can lock his owner in or out of the house/apartment at his discretion.

 

There is nothing fancy about any of these products.  They are products that are long overdue on the pet market.  Therefore, the next time you are in the car, house, or movie theater and smell dog poo, don’t ask who stepped in the poo, look for someone wearing rubber Crapsteppers instead.

JL

©Jack Linton, May 2, 2017

Facebook is People Being People

Sometimes people get upset and bent out of shape over posts on Facebook – sometimes for good reasons, and sometimes for reasons not so good.  There are times when you laugh with people on Facebook and times when you want to wring their necks.  If you choose to be a part of social media, you will experience both.  Why?  It is simple.  Facebook is people being people, and if you can’t accept that, you have no business being on Facebook.

At the end of the day, there is one given with social media – people will post just about anything for just about any reason.  That means the odds are excellent you can find something to offend you if you look hard enough, or you are in the right frame of mind to be offended.  There are offenses to meet every taste on Facebook from really rotten truly offensive stuff to petty, silly, downright ridiculous stuff.  At times, people even get their panties in a wad over innocent things that were never intended to offend anyone, but what is sad is when the offended person refuses to let it go regardless how many apologies are forth coming.

Please, let me repeat!  Facebook is people being people, and if you can’t accept that, you have no business being on Facebook.  People post for a variety of reasons, and other than holding a stinky rotten cheese stick to their head, there is little anyone can do about it.  If a person owns a computer, tablet, or smart phone, with a Facebook app, they can post whatever they please.  If it offends, you can laugh it off, you can ignore it, you can lash out, you can hold a grudge, you can act like a blooming idiot and make a fool of yourself, you can offend them back, you can dig up dirty laundry you know about the offender and post it, or you can unfriend the offender, but that is about all you can do.  As of now, offending someone – intentionally or unintentionally – is not punishable by prison time or the death chamber, so move on – let it go, especially if the offending person offers an apology.  Remember, Facebook is people being people, so accept it, or go do something more constructive with your time like read a book.

People being People on Facebook:

  1. People who post to witness and share their religious status;
  2. People who post because they are lonely and seek human contact;
  3. People who post to be funny or humorous (at least they try);
  4. People who post to share something that makes them happy or excited;
  5. People who post to affirm their existence;
  6. People who post to share a political or social view or rant;
  7. People who post because they are on Facebook and don’t want to be perceived as lurking in the background;
  8. People who post to provoke a rise out of people or get their goat;
  9. People who post to Facebook as a family scrap book;
  10. People who post because it is easier to post to Facebook than actually talk to people;
  11. People who post because they like noise of any kind in their lives;
  12. People who post because they don’t have a life;
  13. People who post because deep down they really like people and like being around them;
  14. People who post on Facebook because they have a short attention span and cannot read or write anything beyond a handful of sentences;
  15. People who post because Facebook is the only family they have;
  16. People who post to share their pity party;
  17. People who post to keep up with friends;
  18. People who post because it gives them a sense of being somebody;
  19. People who post to simply inform; and
  20. People who post because they can.

Facebook is people being people!

JL

©Jack Linton, April 27, 2017

Such are the Stupid Things We Do

I don’t know what it is about our society, but it seems somebody somewhere is always doing something stupid.   Whether it is by design, by chance, or out of our penchant for convenience, there is never a shortage of the ridiculous.   Some of it we create and some of it is created for us, but either way as Forrest Gump said, “Stupid is as stupid does.”  That is even truer today.  Maybe, it is because, in today’s world, we have more opportunities to face stupidity, or maybe, we are just smarter today and can better identify stupid when we see it.

One of the stupidest things I have seen lately was a isign in a local PETCO store. First, I must explain, I am an animal lover (for the most part), but I have this unique ability to recognize animals are not human. Yes, I am one of those rare throwbacks who believe people are people and animals are animals. I am one of those horrible people who thinks there is nothing wrong with giving a dog or cat a biscuit or bone from the table. My wife and I make sure our pets are up to date on necessary shots and go to the vet when they are truly ill, but I do not buy into bi-annual doggy dental cleanings, doggy colonoscopies, or doggy birthing rooms, and the same goes for cats, hamsters, rabbits and pigs. For heaven’s sake, five minutes after a dog gets his teeth cleaned it is sniffing and licking anything nasty that comes within sniffing distance of its nose and tongue.  Therefore, are doggy dental cleanings really worth the effort?  Probably not, yet, such are the stupid things we do!

I have yet to see the value in flossing for my dog, but my wife insists dogs should have good manners, so we took our six month old, sweet as sin, hell on four legs, lab mix to PETCO for obedience training. While waiting for the instructor, I noticed a sign outlining guidelines for pet adoptions. I could not believe what I read! In addition to screening individuals for pet compatibility, anyone wishing to adopt a pet was subject to a polygraph and required to release their tax records for the past seven years to prove they were financially stable and could  provide a good home for the adopted pet. The adopting family had to agree to a criminal and psychiatric background check as well as an on-site home inspection and evaluation.  It was also recommended the new pet be provided private space with a written schedule for when human/pet interaction was permissible.  In a side note, there was a recommendation, though not required, the private space be a separate room with its own pooh facilities. I told my wife the guidelines went way too far, but she calmly assured me the guidelines were intended to match the pet with caring adults.  She said the requirements and suggestions were not a personal conspiracy against me or others like me.  I was not sure how to take “others like me,” but I accepted her explanation. Besides, it was obvious the whole thing was written by a liberal. I could even accept that, but when I read the last guideline that said pet counseling may be required, I fell to the floor laughing.

Pet counseling! I could see Simon, our lab mix, reclining on a shrink’s sofa, one paw lying across his eyes, the other holding a cigarette from which he took an occasional long draw. A female shrink sat across from him, legs crossed, an old time yellow legal pad and pencil in hand, asking questions. “Tell me about your parents,” she said.

Simon took a long draw on the cigarette and thought for a moment. “I only knew my mama for a few short weeks,” he said. “I didn’t know my daddy at all.”

How do you feel about that?” she asked.

Haven’t really given it much thought,” Simon said.

You ever feel depressed because of it?” the shrink asked.

Nothing that a little licking can’t cheer up,” Simon replied.

“Have you ever thought licking might be a sign of a deeper issue?” the female shrink asked.

No mam, when it comes to licking, I like it, so I do it.” Simon said and ground the cigarette into a cat shaped ashtray.  “If it feels good, I pretty much do it without much thought.” 

I believe Simon has life figured out better than any of us.  If it itches, scratch it; if it smells, sniff it; if it feels good, lick it, but whatever you do, don’t over think it.  I am most likely over thinking this pet counseling business, but in my opinion, pet counseling is one of the coolest stupid things people do. It is up there with paying a professional pooper scooper to clean your backyard. It’s true, some folks pay to have someone come to their house once a week and pick up dog and cat pooh.  In fact, pooper scoopers have their own organization, the Association of Professional Animal Waste Specialists.   It’s true – look it up!  Can you think of anything stupider?  I am not talking about the guy who makes money picking up pet pooh; I admire him for his ingenuity. I am talking about the nitwits who pay him, but such are the stupid things we do!

JL

©ack Linton, February 28, 2017

Public School Educators should follow Trump’s Example

The title of this article is probably one of the stranger things I have said, but it is true.  If public education is to survive, it is imperative public school educators take lessons from Donald Trump.  They must study the way he orchestrated his speeches into repetitive “trumpet” calls to action that ultimately sent him to the White House.  They must pay close attention to how a man who is intentionally simple and self-promoting could get inside the heads of a nation and become the most powerful man in the world.  Public school educators must learn to play Donald Trump’s “trumpet game!”  Their survival most likely depends on it.

If public school educators learned to use Trump’s “trumpet” formula, there is no reason why it shouldn’t work for them as well.  What Trump did was not magic or sleight of hand.  It was not even complicated, but it was brilliant.  His speeches were nothing more than self-marketing at its most flamboyant and magnificent.  Of course, most educators are not as ostentatious as Trump, but they could still learn from him by studying his rise to power.  When it comes to marketing, educators have a lot to learn, and there is not a better teacher than the current President of the United States.

If people hear something often enough, they begin to believe it – good or bad.  If people hear whimpering, whining, and apologies often enough they begin to believe something is wrong.  Therefore, it’s time educators stopped whining and being apologetic!  Educators need to learn from the President to be more aggressive and self-promoting.  They need to start telling the public what they want them to know, and they must keep preaching that message until the public believes it.  The days of the sweet little timid unassuming school teacher are over.  If public schools are to survive, confident self-promoters, not afraid to toot their own horn, are needed, and Trump’s formula is the vehicle to enable teachers to market themselves successfully.  For instance, look at the following example of how a teacher might sound using the Trump “Trumpet” Formula:

How Teachers Might Express themselves using the “Trumpet” Formula

Hello America.  I am a public school teacher – a great teacher.  My friends tell me I am a great great teacher.  People I don’t even know call me and tell me how very very great I am.  Believe me I am a great teacher.   But, my profession is under attack by a misinformed public and politicians.  Politicians are total scum bags.  They have fought against me and other great public school teachers for many many years, but they can’t beat us.  Can’t do it.  Total losers.

Teaching is the best profession in the world – not the oldest, but the best.  Public schools have all the best teachers – the best tile on the floors – the best ringers in the bells.  Other schools fail in comparison.  Look at charter schools – total disaster.  They are not even real schools.  They’re fake.  They’re fake schools.  Public schools are real.  Tremendous schools!  Public schools have cafeterias.  They serve the best government commodity food in the world.  It’s true.  The cafeterias are the best, they are.  You can eat “pig-in-a-blanket” with syrup for breakfast.  The ladies in the cafeterias serve the best cheesy cheese over rice in the world for lunch.  You can even grab and squeeze their biscuits, it’s fantastic.

Public schools are the safest schools.  They have the best walls around them – chain link walls, walls of iron and steel.  Great walls that can be seen from Mars – so far away they look like tiny Ninja fortresses.   And, think, the parents of ELL students – non-English speakers – paid for it.   It’s true.  Public schools have the best arts and sports programs in America – in the world.  They’re great – tremendous!  Unlike some schools, public schools even make time for academics.  People tell us, very very important people, tremendous people, that America has the greatest underfunded education system in the world.  It’s unbelievable.  It really is.

Support public schools.  Tell your sons and daughters to support public schools.  America has a great great dependency on public schools.  It’s huge.  Tremendous!  Friday night football in the fall, Prom – backseat romps in the spring, and baby’s first holiday onesie at Christmas.  Traditions we will lose unless America stands tall for public schools.  If Americans allow politicians to screw public schools, traditions will die and societal problems will grow.  Believe me, they will become huge!  They will be enormous!  It’s true. Please don’t.

Last but not least, public school teachers totally understand it’s gonna be politicians first – Republicans first, Democrats second.  But, can we just say, “Public School Education,” third?  Is that okay?  It would be tremendous.  Huge!  Friday night football would remain king!  People, great great people, special people, people I don’t even know, will call it huge.  Tremendous!  Together we will make public schools great again big time.  Thank you.  You’re great – the best.  It’s true.

[End Teacher Example]

Hey, this worked for Donald Trump!  Verbally repeat or publish something often enough in social media and people will eventually start to believe it.  How else could a billionaire with no political experience and little in common with the masses get enough votes to become President of the United States?  His looks are not that appealing, and he doesn’t come across as overly smart, so what made him interesting enough to win the confidence and trust of the people?  The answer is simple.  Although his message was rarely clear and to the point, he kept to the point.  His message, “We will make America great again,” never wavered.

Though simplistic, he was never uncertain about where he stood.  He never backed down.  He got inside America’s head and he stayed there with a simple combination of telling people what he wanted them to hear and what they wanted to hear over and over and over again.  Throughout the election campaign, he was the dominating aggressor to the point of being rightfully labeled a bully, but he never strayed from his message nor was he ever boring.  Americans love to be entertained, and he delivered big time!

Educators can learn a lot from Donald Trump.  To change attitudes toward public education, educators need to take his lessons to heart.  Like Trump, to win, educators must get inside people’s heads.   They must develop a message of simple, but aggressive repetition.  For example, if teachers had maintained a unified repetitive stand that Common Core Standards were GREAT, TREMENDOUS, and WOULD MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN, instead of becoming boring unsure defenders of the standards, the negative hoopla, most likely, would have, in a very short time, faded away without the need to drop the standards, change the name of the standards, or any other such nonsense.  Educators must learn to say what they want people to know and remember, and like Donald Trump, they must say it often.

However, probably the greatest lesson educators can take from Trump is simplicity.  According to a report by Evan Puschak, founder of NerdWriter, Donald Trump favors simple sentences when he speaks.  He rarely uses complex or compound sentences.  Puschak stated 78% of Trump’s words are one syllable with only about 5% of his words having three to four syllables.  In a separate report by Matt Viser of the Boston Globe, Viser used a Flesch-Kincaid analysis of answers Presidential candidates gave to debate questions to determine Trump’s responses were consistently on a fourth grade level – simple and easy for anyone in the audience to comprehend.  In the world of communication, simplicity is power.

Unfortunately, unlike Donald Trump, educators like to put their “smarts” on show when they speak, especially in front of the public.  As a result, they often speak over the heads of their listeners or down to their listeners.  They hit them with professional jargon and acronyms until they put them to sleep or turn them off completely to what is said.  Therefore, when it comes to communicating with parents and the public in general, educators would do well to forget their diplomas and the fancy cute acronyms, and speak the language of the people.  When it comes to communication, the old adage, “keep it simple stupid” (KISS) is by far the best strategy.  If you don’t believe it, ask Donald Trump; his “trumpet” call took him all the way to the White House.

JL

©Jack Linton, February 4, 2017

A Crappy Christmas Tradition

my-kind-of-wnekeo

Reading is extremely important in my family, but not just any reading.  I am talking about engaging in scholarly, mind bending, and soul inspiring literature that stiffens the backbone and jolts emotions into overdrive.  I am talking about a passion that has given birth to a family Christmas tradition.  A tradition, so indoctrinated into the lives of my two sons that Christmas would not be the same without it.  Every Christmas for years I have presented each of my sons a special book that I often spent minutes picking out at a local book store.  Seeing the anticipation and excitement in their eyes and the misty jealousy in the eyes of their spouses on Christmas mornings is a highlight of Christmas for me.  Sharing in their love of reading, if only for the brief moment it takes them to unwrap their special book and lay it aside, is simply invigorating.  It brings so much joy that this past Christmas I included my oldest grandson in the tradition and gave him his first special book.  Like his uncles, I thought he coped extremely well.

There is only one book that can command such attention and devotion.  Only one book is tantalizing and fascinating enough to inspire a family tradition, yet it is seldom found in libraries or on home bookshelves.  It is a book that is most often found with dog-eared pages and stained covers lying at the foot of the thrones of kings.  Actually, a series of books with over 15,000,000 copies in print, it is a mainstay in homes across America where it holds a place of prominence in America’s number one conservative and liberal “think tank.”  Of course, I am talking about the one and only Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader.

With over thirty titles and counting in print, these books are filled with a perpetual cesspool of titillating facts, humor, and trivia that only true connoisseurs of knowledge can appreciate.  These books are conservative America’s answer to such classics as The Great Gatsby and Pride and Prejudice.  Instead of feeling like crap muddling through and trying to stay awake reading such classics, readers of the Uncle John books can engage in flitter flatter of the brain while anointing the throne.  Unlike the classics that so often beckon with the glow of a flashlight with dying batteries, Uncle John’s Bathroom Readers come at you with the blinding splendor of a lighthouse on steroids.  The books are glaringly void of substance, yet thick and wickedly subtle in wit, and although, they may range from thought provoking (it happens) to pure crap (no pun intended), they are rarely boring, so get out of the way Fitzgerald and Austen.

For the discerning reader with a savory appetite for Americana, “The Bathroom Reader” is the ultimate escape.  Indulging in it brings a sense of WOW and clarity into the normal everyday drudgery of life.  You never know what awaits you in an Uncle John’s book.  As a Christmas tradition, it might appear weird or outrageous, but what other tradition can evoke such Yuletide excitement from the kids as, “Really?  Again, this year?;”  “Dad, why?;” “But, Dad, you gave me a paperweight last year!;” or “Thank you, thank you, thank you!  This is the one I needed to finish the ottoman at the foot of the toilet.”  Giving such a thoughtful gift brings a warm satisfied feeling, but the knowledge that I am giving my sons and grandson (I guess my daughter and granddaughters could be included if they also had problematic taste) something they can treasure for a lifetime is the ultimate holiday thrill.  It is truly a tradition that brings tears to the eyes of loved ones.

However, there are some who may doubt the worthiness of a Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader as a Christmas tradition, but such doubts will be put to rest once they view the sample slices of bathroom wisdom in the following chart.  I am confident these gems will encourage others to start their own Uncle John’s Christmas tradition; it’s not half as crappy as it sounds.  Ask my sons and grandson!  The books have so many uses; for example, they make great pee-pee stools for the little boys in the family!

Slices from Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader served with My Thoughts:

1.     Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader:   In 2012, John Hopkins University published a report that said hydrogen sulfide, the gas that gives farts a rotten egg smell, had been shown to reduce high blood pressure in mice.  The report suggested that someday the gas might be used to lower high blood pressure in humans.  The biggest question the researchers had was whether the act of farting or sniffing the fart lowered blood pressure.

My Thoughts:  I wonder if they are still looking for human gas dispensers and sniffers.  Finding sniffers may prove difficult, but I have a couple of grandkids that are natural shooters with unlimited natural resources.

2.     Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader:  The Japanese say they can extract an exact chemical copy of natural vanilla from cow poo.  They plan to use the cow poo vanilla in products such as shampoo.

My Thoughts:   That would certainly give a new meaning to a crappy hair day.

3.     Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader:  Ancient Egyptians used a spermicide made from crocodile poo and honey for birth control.

My Thoughts:   I don’t know if the practice had much impact on births, but I bet the mortality rate of crocodile poo collectors was high enough to stabilize the population.

4.     Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader:  Sweet Maria, a coffee roaster, markets a coffee processed from the poo of the Brazilian Jacu bird.  The bird eats coffee beans and passes them whole in its poo.  The bean is extracted from the poo, which when roasted and brewed removes the bitterness from the coffee.

My Thoughts:  I am not a coffee drinker nor can I say if being extracted from Jacu bird poo actually makes coffee less bitter, but maybe it does explain that gosh awful coffee breath.

5.     Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader:  Plant-based foods produce the most flatulence but not the smelliest farts.  Animal-based foods, particularly eggs and meat, are rich in Sulphur; therefore, those foods produce stinkier farts.   Fructose (sugar that naturally occurs in fruit) is a fart-producer, as are compounds found in cauliflower, Brussels sprouts, broccoli, and, of course, beans.

My Thoughts:  All mamas and wives need to remember this the next time they force the kids to eat their broccoli or insist their husbands order the steamed vegetables with their steak.

P.S.   To my sons: Look through your inventories of Uncle John books, and send me a list of the titles you have, so I don’t get you a book you already have for Christmas.  I wouldn’t want to spoil our Christmas tradition.

JL

©Jack Linton, November 20, 2016

Three Kinds of Facts

“Just the facts, mam,” Joe Friday, Dragnet.

There are three kinds of facts – my facts, your facts, and their facts – and somewhere in between lies the truth.  In today’s society, people embrace the facts that come easiest or the facts they want to believe.  Therefore, truth does not exist outside my facts, your facts, or their facts, and that, my friend, is a fact that results in a factiction.

Today’s Factictions

  1. Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in cahoots to ensure she wins the Presidency;
  2. In 2016, the Mississippi Legislature passed House Bill 1523, which protected certain religious freedoms and banned Dirt Devil and Rainbow vacuum cleaners;
  3. Bill Clinton says Hillary likes it rough; their breakfast table is made of rough-hewed planks;
  4. In Washington D.C., Republicans are only permitted to use elevators that go up, and Democrats can only use elevators that go down;
  5. After over twenty years, a research team sponsored by Republican Conservatives for the Purification of America (RCPA) concluded Jesus was Jewish;
  6. Supreme Court Justices are required to be blind or at least sight impaired;
  7. Hillary Clinton’s issues with her health are an attempt to get the sympathy vote;
  8. Donald Trump has backed off making Mexico pay for his border wall. He now plans to import The Great Wall of China to the Mexico/USA border and have the Chinese pay for it;
  9. The reason Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton despise each other is because they dated in college; and
  10. The 2016 Presidential campaign is actually a Saturday Night Live skit.

My facts, your facts, and their facts, and somewhere in between lies a truth we are blind to or choose to ignore.  Unfortunately, the resulting factiction is the present foundation of politics and civil unrest in America.

JL

©Jack Linton, October 3, 2016