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Top 12 Attractions for Naps in Disney World

My wife and I are Disney World fanatics!  We go at every opportunity.  Although I have ridden Space Mountain and Thunder Mountain numerous times, we usually avoid the roller coaster type rides.  Low key attractions such as the Disney atmosphere and watching the magical expressions of awe on the faces of children when they meet the Disney characters are more our cup of tea.  However, recently, my oldest granddaughter and grandson, coaxed me – my wife is smarter – into riding two of Disney’s newest rides, Everest and Pandora.  OMG! I loved both!  Everest was a blast, and the exhilaration of Pandora is the epitome of the Disney ride experience.  Pandora completely blew me away, and almost justified the two-hour wait in line.

I felt like a kid riding Everest and Pandora – on top of the mountain; however, in Disney World you must literally be a kid if you hope to stay on top of the mountain, which unfortunately, I am not.  Disney boasts their parks are for the young and the young at heart.  Hogwash!  Physically young, absolutely!  Young at heart?  Not so much!  By the time my sixty plus year old heart spends a half day standing hours in line to ride a couple of gut wrenching heart attack inducing thrill rides and trekking an ungodly number of miles across sun baked bubbling asphalt between rides and shows, I am literally pooped – exhausted!  By midday, I could care less about Star War laser sword enactments, Mickie and Minnie song and dance routines, or surviving a dwarf driven runaway mine train.  I am interested in two things and two things only:  one, getting off my feet, and two, finding a place that is cool and dark to take a NAP!

I am convinced if Disney opened a NAP TIME themed park it would be filled 365 days a year to capacity.  It is truly discrimination against geriatrics that such a theme park does not exist in Disney.  To their credit, Disney provides for the needs of youngsters, teens, young adults, families, and service animals, but there is little to no attention given old people.  Where are the oxygen stations?  Where are the cots?

How hard would it be for a company with the resources of Disney to set up a park for exhausted adults – especially seniors and couch potatoes.  What would be so difficult about developing a park complete with air-conditioned MASH (Military Army Surgical Hospital) style tents and military barracks equipped with air condition, oxygen, and cots.  For added realism, medivac helicopters could be used to fly collapsing and delusional exhausted adults from other theme parks to the new park where they could recharge their batteries.  Now, that is a ride this old geezer could get behind!  If Disney truly wanted to show its humanity, this is the direction they would venture next.  It makes sense!

Unfortunately, such a park is not likely to be built any time soon, but during my many visits, I have discovered there can be relief when your feet hurt, the sun has zapped your last bit of energy, and your eyelids are dragging two feet behind you if you know where to look.  There was a time when I sat or curled on curbs in the various Disney World parks breathing laboriously while the little moisture remaining in my body gurgled and bubbled under the intensity of the Florida sun.  No more!  In every Disney park there are certain attractions that offer the weary a chance to get out of the sun, off their feet, and even time to catch a few Zzzzs.  The chart below offers twelve Disney attractions/sanctuaries the weary can seek out when they find themselves miserably exhausted on the streets of Disney World.  Visitors to Disney world, especially older ones, deserve a break or two, and this chart is the ticket.

Top 12 Attractions for Naps at Disney World

No.

Ride Location Length of Ride Air Cond. Dim Light Soft Seats Slow Moving
12 Pirates of the Caribbean

Magic Kingdom

8   minutes Yes Yes No

Yes

  POSTIVE:  The ride is out of the sun, slow moving, and dark!  Perfect for catching a few Zzzzs!

NEGATIVE:  The seat is hard and without a Fast Pass it can be a long wait to ride.

11 Beauty & the Beast Live

Epcot

25 minutes No No No

Yes

  POSITIVE:  This is a great place to get off your feet under a canopy that blocks the sun.

NEGATIVE:  The canopy blocks the sun, but it still gets very hot, but I dare you not to nod.

10 It’s a Small World

Magic Kingdom

14 minutes No No No

Yes

  POSITIVE:  289 animated dolls sing “It’s a small world” over and over; who can stay awake?

NEGATIVE:  The boat seats are hard, and without a Fast Pass the wait to ride can be very long.

9 Mickey’s PhilharMagic

Magic Kingdom

12 minutes Yes Yes Yes

Yes

  POSITIVE:  Air condition and cushioned seats on a hot Florida day is all that needs to be said.

NEGATIVE:  The only negative is the wait to get in can be very long without a Fast Pass!

8 Tomorrowland People Mover

Magic Kingdom

16 minutes No Slight No

Yes

  POSITIVE:  There is almost no wait, and you can stretch out and relax during this rolling tour!

NEGATIVE:  No negatives!  This is sort of a “mercy” ride created for bone weary adults.

7 County Bear Jamboree

Magic Kingdom

10 minutes Yes Yes Yes

Yes

  POSITIIVE:  Short lines, air condition, cushioned seats, and dim lighting – everything you need!

NEGATIVE:  The show is too short, but in Disney be thankful for any nap time you find.

6 Disney/Pixar Film Festival

Epcot

18 minutes Yes Yes Yes

Yes

  POSITIVE:  Short lines, air condition, cushioned seats, and dim lighting equals a great nap!

NEGATIVE:  If 15 minutes longer, it would be the perfect nap attraction, but no such luck.

5 Carousel of Progress

Magic Kingdom

21 minutes Yes Yes Yes

Yes

  POSITIVE:  No lines – walk in and find a cushioned chair to your liking!

NEGATIVE:  I feel bad when I wake up, and I have missed the show.  Oh well, maybe next time.

4 Dumbo the Flying Elephant

Magic Kingdom

No Limit Yes Slight No

Yes

  POSITIVE:  There is an air-conditioned activity room while you wait.  Smart adults stretch out on the benches for a short or even long nap!  If someone gets ahead of you in line, who cares!  Your nap time can be virtually unlimited!  I would have rated this ride higher, but I wasn’t sure if at some point you might get chased out.

NEGATIVE:  Honestly, I can’t think of a negative unless the loud squeals of children bother you.

3 The Hall of Presidents

Magic Kingdom

23 minutes Yes Yes Yes

Yes

  POSITIVE:  This attraction is a favorite for a nap.  It meets all the napping criteria plus it is dark!

NEGATIVE:  No negatives!  When it comes to a nap, the Hall of Presidents is a 5 Star Attraction!

2 The American Adventure

Epcot

29 minutes Yes Yes Yes

Yes

  POSITIVE:  The reason this attraction rates higher that the previous one is it is 6 minutes longer.

NEGATIVE:  No negatives!  This is another 5 Star Nap Attraction!

1 Finding Nemo – The Musical

Animal Kingdom

35 minutes

Yes

Yes

Yes

Yes

 

POSITIVE:  It is a shame to doze in such a great show, but this attraction has 35 minutes of air conditioning, soft seats, and complete darkness.  What else does a napper need other than a cot?

NEGATIVE:  If you are late, you get locked out until the next show – bummer.

I am confident you will find this list helpful, regardless if you are an old geezer, or by the middle of a long Disney day, an old geezer at heart.  For my wife and I, these twelve attractions are always at the top of our list.  Over the years, we have logged many hours of Z time on these attractions, which helps keep our passion for Disney World alive.  We always feel rested and alert when we get our nap time.

JL

©Jack Linton, March 31, 2018

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Henny Chicken’s Escort Service:  A Story with a Moral

Henny Chicken left her job after working nineteen years for KFC corporate.  She had thought of leaving many times, but each time she was about to pull the plug, she moved up the pecking order, and edged a little closer to the proverbial wire ceiling.  It was different this time though!  She had endured her tail feathers being stroked for the last time, and hush promotions to ease her squawking no longer mattered.  Just once, she would like to move up the corporate ladder for what happened from the neck up, rather than the neck down.  The paper promotions resulted in slight improvement, but in some ways set her up for even more harassment.  The bosses looked at her as willing to do whatever to get a promotion, and the rest of the employees looked at her as a chicken lipped Jezebel sleeping her way to the top.  She loved her job, and did not want to leave, but what else could a hen do?  Being treated and thought of as less than a chicken stuck in her craw, and made her miserable.  All she wanted was to work and live in a place where a chick could cross the road and not have her motives or gender questioned.

The cutesy office breast and leg jokes grew old even if breasts were the foundation for the company and her pension.  She simply could not take being considered a piece of meat any longer.   Scratching out a living for chicken feed instead of living off her fluffy corporate paycheck would be difficult, but for a new life, she knew she was up to the challenge.  Besides, she couldn’t wait to see the company struggle without her; after all, the rooster may crow but the hen delivers the goods.  KFC would be a chicken with its head cut off without her.  So, Henny built up her nest egg, and flew the coop to set out on her own.

The first morning after leaving her job was the best.  She slept until noon, dressed like a stinking sloppy crow, and relaxed all day on her balcony.  Wrapped in the warmth of sunshine and her new life, she couldn’t believe how free and renewed she felt.  It was an incredible feeling!  No roosters interested more in what was under her feathers than what was between her ears; no obligatory seductive cackles to massage rooster egos; and no constant greasing the skillet to keep peace!  The only time her tail feathers were ruffled was when she scratched.  What more could she ask for; her new life was simply heaven.

Unfortunately, outside her modest coop, the same was not true.  To her surprise, the outside world was more twisted than the corporate world.  She could not walk past a street corner without hearing a breast, thigh, or leg joke.  Unlike the office, on the street there was no pretentious cutesiness, it was strictly hard core, and there was no promotion if she was offended, which of course she was.  At least the roosters at work engaged in a certain amount of quality control, and treated her to her beak like a real chicken.  All the cock-a-doodle-doos she met now were interested in was tenderness, juiciness, and flavor as if she was a USDA commodity.   Bottom line, they were only interested in the amount of usable lean meat on her carcass.  The cool cat raccoons and possums were the worst of the lot.

Her social life also suffered.  Engaging in hen parties with friends from her old job was not fun anymore since she was no longer privy to the latest greatest gossip from around the feeding and water troughs and had little to share.   Even the chick flicks she at first attended twice a week left her feeling violated and used since they were nothing more than a banty rooster on a June bug story.  She also found going to the Cock of the Walk with her girl-hens for cocktails was no longer as much fun.  She had nothing in common with her old friends, and new friends were as hard to find as hen teeth.  The only bright side was she no longer had to put up with the cock and bull of the workplace.

One morning, after a less than fun night out, Henny woke and went for a long walk.  She had to admit that her new life had turned out to be egg on her face, she was still miserable, and KFC was doing wonderfully without her, which left her with little to do but brood.  After a while, she noticed a possum and armadillo following her.  From the look in their eyes there was little doubt they thought she looked finger licking good, so Henny picked up her pace.  She walked around the block several times hoping to lose them, but with each lap they gained ground until they were virtually parting her back feathers with their breaths.  But, she was not hatched yesterday; she knew exactly what to do.  She crossed the street.  Not thinking, the possum and armadillo followed her, and were immediately flattened by a Sanderson Farms chicken truck, proving once again that unlike a chicken some creatures indeed cannot cross the road.

Roadkill always made her feel safe and at ease, but there was also a slight tinge of sadness.  She couldn’t imagine living a life confined to one side of the road.  Being so cooped up would have driven her crazy.  At that moment a light clicked on in her head.  There was no time draining incubation period; the most marvelous idea of her life merely hatched!  It was a made from scratch idea that would allow her to finally come home to roost.  Instead of being subjected to constant poppycock as she was in her old job, she would rule the roost.  She might have to wing it at first, but the more she thought about it, the better she liked her idea.

Two years later, Henny was the talk of Egg Street.  She not only manipulated her idea into a multibillion dollar enterprise, but she bought KFC and opened a line of fleece and feather lined lingerie as well.  However, the kingpin of her financial kingdom remained embedded in that one brilliant roadkill inspired idea known to investors as HES and globally as Henny’s Escort Service for Potential Road Kill Victims.  For the first time in the history of the world, raccoons, possums, and armadillos could travel anywhere they chose safely.  Henny’s only stipulation other than getting paid was raccoons, possums, and armadillos had to swear off ruffling tail feathers, breast and thigh jokes, and other obnoxious behavior toward hens.  As for, boastful strutting harassing roosters, the business world followed Henny’s lead and stripped them of their management positions and relegated them to assist at diaper changing stations in public restrooms.  As for Henny, she slept until noon every day, dressed like a stinking sloppy crow, and relaxed all day on her penthouse balcony reading, For Whom the Chicken Crows, which of course she wrote.

Moral of the Story:

With a cool head and imagination, it is possible to make chicken salad out of chicken poop.

JL

©Jack Linton, January 6, 2018

 

Santa’s Grossest Christmas List:  Real Toys My Grandkids Want

When my grandkids handed me their Christmas lists, I was shocked!  Each list is filled with gross and obnoxious toys.  I am not lying – boogers and pooh headline their Christmas Lists.  I have grown to expect inherited poor taste from the boys, but this year, the girls are just as bad.  I am not a prude or stick-in-the-mud when it comes to gross; I enjoy a good juicy fart joke book or as a boy, shooting dripping spit balls and other bits and pieces of grossness with a rubber band.  To me, the whole toy poopoo fad is funny and highly reflective of our society, but when my granddaughters ask for “turd launchers” and dolls that poo their pants for Christmas, that surpasses even my tolerance for gross.  Why are kids so fascinated with toys devoted to body excretions?  Do parents and grandparents buy their children and grandchildren such disgusting toys?  Of course, we do, or the store shelves would not be stacked to the ceiling with such disgusting games and stuffed caricatures.

When my kids were growing up, my wife often chastised me for sharing what I considered to be a high quality dirty diaper or tasteful fart joke with my boys.  My daughter, like her mama, was too classy to dabble in the sewer, but even she would sometimes cringe and laugh with us.  Other than the boys absorbing my weird sense of humor, no harm that I am aware of was done.  Heck, the uncouth things I subjected my kids to were tame compared to the crudeness of toys today.  My best gross-outs pale in comparison to the toys found on Amazon.com or on Walmart toy shelves.

Apparently, there is a race among toy makers for the “Gross-out” title.  There are toys galore that feature snot, boogers, farting, peeing, and even pooping!  What is the deal with the obsession with crap?  I am not talking about cheap, poorly made, waste of money toys although most of these toys certainly are, I am referring to toys that look and feel like real crap, number two, poo, poop, feces, manure, cow-pies, dung, and doo-doo.  Who would have ever thought a “sack of poopoo” would have a major niche in the toy market?  Take a stroll down the toy aisle in Walmart, Toys “R” Us, or shop for toys on Amazon.com, and you will be greeted by dolls that not only pee, but poop; giant noses with finger picking boogers; stuffed pigs that fart; and dogs that  poo and come with pooper scooper accessories.  I am not completely naïve; I fully understand boys twelve and under have always been fascinated with anything gross, but when did sweet little girls take up that banner?  I can’t imagine why anyone, parents, grandparents, or toy makers, would want to teach our sweet little darlings that cleaning poop is fun!

There are those who claim lifelike dolls with life functions teach children to be responsible caring adults and parents.  According to their reasoning, such toys provide children with life experiences.  That is all well and good, but some life experiences are better left for later in life.  Maybe, it’s my weak stomach, but in my opinion, cleaning poop from a baby’s bottom is one of those life experiences we can spare nine and ten-year-old girls without fear of psychological scarring.  I don’t think I am wrong when I say cleaning a dirty diaper is a shitty experience regardless how devoted and loving you are as a parent.  While I don’t totally disagree with the responsibility angle, for me, a pooping doll is like putting anatomically correct parts on Ken and Barbie.  Ken doesn’t need a penis, nor does Barbie need a vagina for boys and girls to pretend they are boyfriend and girlfriend or husband and wife.  Why teach children love is dependent on physical grappling?  Likewise, why teach children cleaning poop is one of the pleasures of parenthood?  The imagination is a wonderful place for boys and girls to dwell, so why destroy it with too much realism?

With many of the toys on the shelf this Christmas, there is a thin line between being an educational toy and a toy simply geared to rectal sensationalism.   The grosser the toy the more popular!  If it hangs from the nose or pops out the bottom, it is fun stuff.  Unfortunately, gross appears to have no boundaries.  There are also poo shaped and colored pillows for those who have always had a hankering to cuddle next to or lay their heads on an incredibly plush fiber or down filled turd.  What will they come up with next?  Poo shaped highway signage?

I don’t know where this trend goes from here, but I am sure, the grosser it gets, the better kids will like it.  But, as a grandparent, that is not my problem.  It is not grandpa and grandma’s responsibility to dig the grandkids out of the gutter; that’s mom and dad’s job.  A grandparent’s job is to spoil them rotten, which includes buying them all the slime, guts, and rubber poo they think they need.  Therefore, this Christmas, I plan to visit Amazon.com, Toys “R” Us, and Walmart, and buy the grossest games and toys I can find for my grandkids.  I don’t care about the life experience the game provides, or if it has educational value, as long as it makes them laugh.  I might not get grandparent of the year, but hearing them laugh is all the reward I need.  Laughter is what childhood is all about even if it takes a little plastic fecal matter and nasal slime to help it happen.

So, for those adults who have a touch of a child in their heart, a spark of the rebel in their soul, and love to hear children laugh, I invite you to look at my grandkids’ Christmas list.  It might not be wholesome; it may even be the grossest Christmas list ever compiled by kids, but if a doll with a greasy runny diaper will get me a hug and laughter for Christmas, you can bet a roll of toilet paper, I am all in!  There is little doubt, the toys on the list will bring smiles and laughter to the little ones, but I would not be surprised if those toys, as gross as they are, tickle the kid in adults as well.  Even the clogged hearts of constipated Grinches and Scrooges stand to be softened by the sight of a stuffed turd ornament on a Christmas tree; after all, it seems miracles come in brown this year.

Merry Christmas, and happy shopping!  Remember, the grossest thing of all is a world, especially a Christmas, without laughter.

Santa’s Grossest Christmas List

The perfect Christmas gift list for kids and adults who love to laugh.

Doggie Doo                Best Price:      $25.89 at Amazon.com

The perfect game to train your kids to clean up after the family dog that you can’t house-break!

 Who Tooted               Best Price:      $29.99 at Amazon.com

Great practice for those long family trips in the car!

Gooey Louie              Best Price:       $19.59 at Amazon.com

This game is the perfect consolation for those people who were disappointed to discover the History Channel’s “American Pickers” was not about booger harvesting.

Poopyhead                 Best Price:      $16.95 at Amazon.com

As in real life, everyone gets crapped on, but the winner is the one who gets pooped on the least.

Gas Out                      Best Price:      $10.49 at Amazon.com

Fast action farting fun!  The perfect tooting game without the smell.

Lalaloopsy Babies Diaper Surprise             Best Price:      $149.99 at Amazon.com

There are probably much cheaper ways to play with pooping babies, but for those folks who go to sleep at night dreaming of finding surprises in dirty diapers, this doll is a sure bet to tickle their fancy.

Baby Alive Super Snacks Snackin Sara     Best Price:      $49.99 at Amazon.com

This baby poops in her diaper after she is fed!  Just like a real baby the cycle never ends – feed and poop and clean mess, feed and poop and clean mess, feed and poop and clean mess.  What fun!

PooPen                       Best Price:      $4.68 at Amazon.com

Adds new meaning to crappy writing.

The Farting Animal Coloring Activity Book       Best Price:    $5.95 at Amazon.com

Kids learn all things toot even fuzzy kittens and mom!

Farting Santa            Best Price:      $14.99 at Amazon.com

This little guy is in my personal collection!  Pull his finger and it is easy to see how Santa is propelled up a chimney.

Poop Christmas Tree Hanging Ornament          Best Price:     $11.95 at Amazon.com

A smiling pile of poo for your Christmas tree!  Nothing says Christmas like a poo ornament on your tree.

Happy shopping!  This Christmas brown is the new green.

Merry Christmas!

JL

©Jack Linton, December 9, 2017

How to Use Your Cell Phone to be RUDE, DISRESPECTFUL and INCONSIDERATE

It is not a secret I have always despised cell phones, but it is not widely known that I have finally seen the light.  To my wife’s surprise, I recently moved from the dark side to the side of the Enlighted and the Cool!  I even bought a new Hawaiian shirt to show how cool I am.  No longer do I hate the idea of being tethered to a cell phone, and cell phone users, who I once thought of as obnoxious creatures with little or no manners, do not bother me at all anymore.  Before my transformation, I didn’t “get it” when it came to cell phones or their users, but now I do.  It took longer than it should have, but I finally realized everything I had always believed about cell phone users was wrong!  Being self-centered and inconsiderate is not a terrible thing at all.  What I once perceived as being rude, disrespectful, and inconsiderate are tools cell phone users use to keep society at bay, family and friends in their place, and themselves at the center of the universe.

This is a complete turnaround from the old me, who saw cell phone users as self-centered idiots with cancer plates shoved against their ear holes 24/7.  Since my change, however, I have joined forces with cell phone users; I am all about being rude, disrespectful, and inconsiderate if it ensures my place at the center of the universe. Remember, cell phone users believe they are the most important people in the world; they are the center of the universe.  The new me thinks no differently.

To convey this message to everyone, the dysfunctional cell phone user understands he/she must master being rude, disrespectful, and inconsiderate.  However, that is not as easy as it sounds.  I discovered it takes practice to be self-centered every single day although it is easier with a cell phone in your hand.  To make it even easier, I developed ten simple guidelines for cell phone usage to help hardcore cell phone users, newbies, and returnees. like me, master the art of dysfunctional cell phone usage.  I call these quick, nitty gritty, get down to the dirty, guidelines “How to Use Your Cell Phone to be RUDE, DISRESPECTFUL and INCONSIDERATE.”  This short tutorial should be mass produced and placed in the box of every new cell phone sold.  As we all know, for many cell phone users, being rude, disrespectful, and inconsiderate comes naturally, but for some, these traits must be learned.  Here’s to learning!

How to Use Your Cell Phone to be RUDE, DISRESPECTFUL and INCONSIDERATE

  1. Stay glued to your cell phone during family or social gatherings. This will show everyone just how bored you are and that there are more important people in your life than the people you are with;
  2. Interrupt dinner at home or in a restaurant by answering your cell phone at the table. This will show just how little you think of everyone at the table as well as keep you at the center of the conversation;
  3. Answer your cell phone while engaged in a face to face conversation with another person. Nothing says the caller is more important better than disengaging from a conversation to answer your cell phone.  Sorry, but answering for a family emergency or an important business call you told the other person about at the start of your conversation does not give you points for rudeness;
  4. Once the lights go down in the movie theater, call or text a friend.  You paid for use of the seat and air conditioning, so other than Alfred Hitchcock, no one should care.  If they do, so what!
  5. Call someone before 9 am or after 9 pm. So what if they are sleeping or trying to get kids and themselves off to school and work!  Waiting until after morning coffee and breakfast or until the next morning is an inconvenience that can be avoided. [Note:  Rudeness points are not awarded for family and close friends];
  6. Say “What?” when you answer your cell phone. Let the caller know up front he/she better have a good reason for calling;
  7. Engage in a phone conversation while doing your business on the toilet. Who says there can’t be human interaction when churning the pot?  There is nothing wrong with a few grunts and groans between words or sentences.  Also, there is no greater closure to a phone conversation than a toilet flushing;
  8. When talking on your cell phone, talk loud enough to shake the windows. When dining out, shopping, visiting, or using the toilet, nothing is as discouraging to eavesdroppers as someone using their “inside voice” when talking on their cell phone, so speak up;
  9. Completely segregate yourself from the world around you by plugging into your cell phone every minute of every hour you are awake. When walking around with a cell phone to your ear or your nose stuck to the screen, you appear unapproachable – mission accomplished; and
  10. Make your cell phone the priority in your life! Ignore personal relationships by relegating them to social media, texting, and talking on your cell phone.

By the way, if you are one of the few who really doesn’t want to be RUDE, DISRESPECTFUL and INCONSIDERATE of others when using your cell phone, I have one final piece of advice – SHUT IT OFF, PUT IT IN YOUR POCKET OR PURSE, AND TALK TO YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS!  Get to know them; it is the human way.

JL

©Jack Linton, June 1, 2017

Five New Pet Products Every Pet Owner must Have

Recently I was introduced to Lickibrush, a rubber brush shaped like a large tongue that is used by cat owners to bond with their pet.  Picture this – the cat owner grips the Lickibrush in his teeth and combs it through the cat’s fur with long grooming licking strokes.  Most cats do this for themselves, but somewhere along the way some smart and crafty cat decided it would be easier to train their human to lick for them.  As a result, the enterprising cat marketed Lickibrush as a tool for humans to bond with Frisky (or whatever their cat’s name might be).  Think about it; who is smarter – the cat getting a massage and groom without lifting a paw, or the silly human with a rubber tongue protruding from his face?

I like cats, and over the years, I bonded with several, but not once did it occur to me to strengthen that bond by licking them.  Whether it is a cat or a human, there are consequences for cat licking.  HAIRBALLS!  A cat choking, gagging, and throwing up hairballs is a disgusting sight to behold and even worse to clean up.  So, why in the name of all that is sane, would a cat owner want to engage in a process that will ultimately lead to convulsive heaving and expulsion of nasty human size hairballs?  Who wants to clean up that mess?  Bonding with my cat or any animal is just not that important to me!

I hope animal loving fanatics will forgive me, but I must politely and emphatically say, “NO!” to Lickibrush.  The product simply does not make sense.  However, I have several products I am preparing to market that not only make sense but are practical and beneficial in the world of animal lovers.  Like Lickibrush, these products may appear to be a bit peculiar, but I can assure you unlike Lickibrush each one makes perfect sense and lends itself to practical application in the world of pet mania.

Five New Pet Products Every Pet Owner has to Have

PooShootSniffer

This device is the ultimate gadget for getting into you dog’s head.  Dog owners wear the rubber dog snout with a soft pliable wet nose (simply moisten with water before each use) over their nose.  When wearing the PooShootSniffer, dog owners can bond with Rover in ways never imaginable.  The instructions are extremely simple – while wearing PooShootSniffer, the owner drops to his hands and knees behind their pet and sniffs.  That is all there is to it!  By sniffing Rover’s butt, the owner says “I care,” “I am here for you,” and “You are special.”   PooShootSniffer is the perfect remedy for dogs that are depressed or lonely.  WARNING:  If your dog growls when you are using PooShootSniffer, back off!  Rover is letting you know that he is uncomfortable, and you are violating his personal space.

Babelshit

This device is designed expressly for pet owners with talking parrots.  However, it could just as easily be used with children to prepare them for watching movies, riding the school bus, or hanging out at the mall.  Babelshit is an electronic device that is mounted on the side of Polly’s cage.  When switched on, it produces profanity in up to 64 languages.  It audibly feeds Polly a steady stream of intoxicating four letter words.  With Babelshit, your pet parrot as well as your kids can learn to curse like all the cool folks do these days.  Now, how cool and classy is that?

Crapsteppers

Have you ever been away from home on business or a vacation and missed your pets?  That can be a real bummer, and make the trip almost unbearable.  However, Crapsteppers can help remedy that lonely displaced feeling.  Crapsteppers are rubber shoe soles that smell like dog crap.  Although it is sometimes impossible to bring your dog with you when out of town, with Crapsteppers, you can always bring the pungent smell of dog crap with you regardless of how far from home you travel.  Simply slip Crapsteppers rubber soles on your shoes, and instantly it smells as though you have been wallowing in dog poo.  The scented rubber soles can be worn on any shoe – casual or formal.  Imagine yourself sitting in your next boring business meeting wearing a pair of Crapsteppers.  While those around you are gagging, you can relax and almost feel Rover between your toes.

For those dog owners with limited room to pack, Crapsteppers also comes in a convenient travel size spray as well as sensible towelette packets.  The great news is the rubber slip ons, the travel spray, and towelettes come in three nose titillating fragrances:  Outdoorsy – a classic mixture of doggy poo and fresh cut grass; OopsyFresh – the warm fragrance of fresh doggy poo in an enclosed area (such as a living room or kitchen) mixed with elegant touches of morning bacon and coffee; and LingeringHeaven – the faint yet distinctive fragrance of well cured and forgotten or lost doggy poo.

Can’t bring your best friend with you? Take along Crapsteppers!  With Crapsteppers, you will never escape the lingering overpowering spice of dog poo that pet owners know and love so well.

DoggySee/DoggyRun

This unique device is for the pet owner who is too busy or too lazy to take his dog for a walk, or the pet owner lives in an apartment with no space for Rover to run and play.  The 3D device straps around Rover’s head over his eyes, so he can have the sensation of going on long walks or running free in vast open fields of daises (watch where you step!).  It is also ideal for overweight couch potato dogs.   The truly smart dog owner will buy two DoggySEE/DoggyRUN devices, so he can share long leisurely walks in the park and runs through mountain meadows with Rover.  For the thoughtful dog owner, DoggySEE/DoggyRUN is all about taking an active interest in the life of your pet.

HumanDoggyDoor

The HumanDoggyDoor comes directly from the why didn’t I think about this department!  This ingenious structure is attached to and around a doggy door.  It expands the opening so humans can also enter and leave the house or apartment at will.  It comes complete with frame, door panels, and hardware to attach to Rover’s door, and it has doorknobs the human can be trained to turn to enter or leave the house or apartment.  The structure also comes with locks as part of the doorknob assembly, so Rover can lock his owner in or out of the house/apartment at his discretion.

 

There is nothing fancy about any of these products.  They are products that are long overdue on the pet market.  Therefore, the next time you are in the car, house, or movie theater and smell dog poo, don’t ask who stepped in the poo, look for someone wearing rubber Crapsteppers instead.

JL

©Jack Linton, May 2, 2017

Facebook is People Being People

Sometimes people get upset and bent out of shape over posts on Facebook – sometimes for good reasons, and sometimes for reasons not so good.  There are times when you laugh with people on Facebook and times when you want to wring their necks.  If you choose to be a part of social media, you will experience both.  Why?  It is simple.  Facebook is people being people, and if you can’t accept that, you have no business being on Facebook.

At the end of the day, there is one given with social media – people will post just about anything for just about any reason.  That means the odds are excellent you can find something to offend you if you look hard enough, or you are in the right frame of mind to be offended.  There are offenses to meet every taste on Facebook from really rotten truly offensive stuff to petty, silly, downright ridiculous stuff.  At times, people even get their panties in a wad over innocent things that were never intended to offend anyone, but what is sad is when the offended person refuses to let it go regardless how many apologies are forth coming.

Please, let me repeat!  Facebook is people being people, and if you can’t accept that, you have no business being on Facebook.  People post for a variety of reasons, and other than holding a stinky rotten cheese stick to their head, there is little anyone can do about it.  If a person owns a computer, tablet, or smart phone, with a Facebook app, they can post whatever they please.  If it offends, you can laugh it off, you can ignore it, you can lash out, you can hold a grudge, you can act like a blooming idiot and make a fool of yourself, you can offend them back, you can dig up dirty laundry you know about the offender and post it, or you can unfriend the offender, but that is about all you can do.  As of now, offending someone – intentionally or unintentionally – is not punishable by prison time or the death chamber, so move on – let it go, especially if the offending person offers an apology.  Remember, Facebook is people being people, so accept it, or go do something more constructive with your time like read a book.

People being People on Facebook:

  1. People who post to witness and share their religious status;
  2. People who post because they are lonely and seek human contact;
  3. People who post to be funny or humorous (at least they try);
  4. People who post to share something that makes them happy or excited;
  5. People who post to affirm their existence;
  6. People who post to share a political or social view or rant;
  7. People who post because they are on Facebook and don’t want to be perceived as lurking in the background;
  8. People who post to provoke a rise out of people or get their goat;
  9. People who post to Facebook as a family scrap book;
  10. People who post because it is easier to post to Facebook than actually talk to people;
  11. People who post because they like noise of any kind in their lives;
  12. People who post because they don’t have a life;
  13. People who post because deep down they really like people and like being around them;
  14. People who post on Facebook because they have a short attention span and cannot read or write anything beyond a handful of sentences;
  15. People who post because Facebook is the only family they have;
  16. People who post to share their pity party;
  17. People who post to keep up with friends;
  18. People who post because it gives them a sense of being somebody;
  19. People who post to simply inform; and
  20. People who post because they can.

Facebook is people being people!

JL

©Jack Linton, April 27, 2017

Such are the Stupid Things We Do

I don’t know what it is about our society, but it seems somebody somewhere is always doing something stupid.   Whether it is by design, by chance, or out of our penchant for convenience, there is never a shortage of the ridiculous.   Some of it we create and some of it is created for us, but either way as Forrest Gump said, “Stupid is as stupid does.”  That is even truer today.  Maybe, it is because, in today’s world, we have more opportunities to face stupidity, or maybe, we are just smarter today and can better identify stupid when we see it.

One of the stupidest things I have seen lately was a isign in a local PETCO store. First, I must explain, I am an animal lover (for the most part), but I have this unique ability to recognize animals are not human. Yes, I am one of those rare throwbacks who believe people are people and animals are animals. I am one of those horrible people who thinks there is nothing wrong with giving a dog or cat a biscuit or bone from the table. My wife and I make sure our pets are up to date on necessary shots and go to the vet when they are truly ill, but I do not buy into bi-annual doggy dental cleanings, doggy colonoscopies, or doggy birthing rooms, and the same goes for cats, hamsters, rabbits and pigs. For heaven’s sake, five minutes after a dog gets his teeth cleaned it is sniffing and licking anything nasty that comes within sniffing distance of its nose and tongue.  Therefore, are doggy dental cleanings really worth the effort?  Probably not, yet, such are the stupid things we do!

I have yet to see the value in flossing for my dog, but my wife insists dogs should have good manners, so we took our six month old, sweet as sin, hell on four legs, lab mix to PETCO for obedience training. While waiting for the instructor, I noticed a sign outlining guidelines for pet adoptions. I could not believe what I read! In addition to screening individuals for pet compatibility, anyone wishing to adopt a pet was subject to a polygraph and required to release their tax records for the past seven years to prove they were financially stable and could  provide a good home for the adopted pet. The adopting family had to agree to a criminal and psychiatric background check as well as an on-site home inspection and evaluation.  It was also recommended the new pet be provided private space with a written schedule for when human/pet interaction was permissible.  In a side note, there was a recommendation, though not required, the private space be a separate room with its own pooh facilities. I told my wife the guidelines went way too far, but she calmly assured me the guidelines were intended to match the pet with caring adults.  She said the requirements and suggestions were not a personal conspiracy against me or others like me.  I was not sure how to take “others like me,” but I accepted her explanation. Besides, it was obvious the whole thing was written by a liberal. I could even accept that, but when I read the last guideline that said pet counseling may be required, I fell to the floor laughing.

Pet counseling! I could see Simon, our lab mix, reclining on a shrink’s sofa, one paw lying across his eyes, the other holding a cigarette from which he took an occasional long draw. A female shrink sat across from him, legs crossed, an old time yellow legal pad and pencil in hand, asking questions. “Tell me about your parents,” she said.

Simon took a long draw on the cigarette and thought for a moment. “I only knew my mama for a few short weeks,” he said. “I didn’t know my daddy at all.”

How do you feel about that?” she asked.

Haven’t really given it much thought,” Simon said.

You ever feel depressed because of it?” the shrink asked.

Nothing that a little licking can’t cheer up,” Simon replied.

“Have you ever thought licking might be a sign of a deeper issue?” the female shrink asked.

No mam, when it comes to licking, I like it, so I do it.” Simon said and ground the cigarette into a cat shaped ashtray.  “If it feels good, I pretty much do it without much thought.” 

I believe Simon has life figured out better than any of us.  If it itches, scratch it; if it smells, sniff it; if it feels good, lick it, but whatever you do, don’t over think it.  I am most likely over thinking this pet counseling business, but in my opinion, pet counseling is one of the coolest stupid things people do. It is up there with paying a professional pooper scooper to clean your backyard. It’s true, some folks pay to have someone come to their house once a week and pick up dog and cat pooh.  In fact, pooper scoopers have their own organization, the Association of Professional Animal Waste Specialists.   It’s true – look it up!  Can you think of anything stupider?  I am not talking about the guy who makes money picking up pet pooh; I admire him for his ingenuity. I am talking about the nitwits who pay him, but such are the stupid things we do!

JL

©ack Linton, February 28, 2017