Tag Archives: granddad bod

The Pros and Cons of the Granddad Bod

The outpouring of support for the “Granddad Bods are Sexy” campaign has been unbelievable! It has been great hearing from people who are so enthusiastic about granddad bods. Whether they are registered granddad bods themselves, they are interested in developing and refining their granddad bod, or they have a granddad bod in the family they want to understand better, they have all expressed a common interest in the creation, maintenance, and preservation of the granddad bod as the national treasure it deserves to be. The public response has confirmed what we have always believed: Granddad Bods are Sexy, and it is time we let the world know it!

While most people who have written seem to enjoy a sweet awareness and understanding of the granddad bod, there have also been a few who have written requesting more information about granddad bods such as Jeemal Coopersfield of Pandersville, New Jersey. Jeemal wrote, “I am 22 years old, and I love my granddad. Lately, he has been in the dumps and very negative about everything, so I have been looking for something that might pep him up and make him feel better about himself. When I read your article, “Granddad Bods are Sexy,” I thought this might just be the thing for him. But, before I approach him with your article and get his hopes up, I would like to know the pros and cons of the granddad bod. Is it for everyone?” That is a very relevant question, especially for younger generations concerned for granddad’s happiness, or who have one of those increasingly rare (thank goodness) thin granddads who would benefit greatly by beefing up his lifestyle. I say increasingly rare since the latest health care trends show phenomenal growth in the heftiness of Americans.

I would like to believe my new cookbook, Nourishment for the Granddad Bod, has contributed to America’s prodigious commitment to portliness. My cookbook is a must for every granddad bod and granddad bod admirer. In it, there are over one-hundred high carbohydrate, high fat content recipes guaranteed to fluff up any body type. There is even a chapter on “How to Not Exercise” contributed by some of America’s top granddad bods. There are also such mind boggling waist expanding chapters as “Don’t be Afraid to Use Extra Butter,” “The Cleansing Power of Grease,” “When Furniture Breaks: The Sign of Success,” and my personal favorite, “Never Have Another Meal without Biscuits and Gravy.” Users of my cookbook will discover why using pure girth expanding ingredients such as animal lard and bacon grease when cooking will greatly increase their chances of obtaining that perfect granddad bod.

Please forgive me for the blatant boasting and marketing, but I get excited talking about the granddad bod and the changes it has brought into my life and the lives of fans across the nation. I am not here to sell or brag although I guess that is what I have been doing (once again, please forgive me). I am writing today for two reasons: to thank everyone for their interest in and support of the campaign and to bring clarity to the phenomenon of the granddad bod by answering questions such as the one Jameel asked. Such questions are important. The better people understand the granddad bod and its simplistic complications and needed accommodations the sooner granddads like Jeemal’s will perk up and get back into the swing of life. So, after giving deep thought to Jeemal’s question, I would like to answer him with a thorough listing of the pros and cons of the granddad bod. Thanks for asking, Jameel.

Pros and Cons of the Granddad Bod

Pros

Cons

There is more to love! Granddad bods quantify love by inches and pounds. Transporting granddad bods can be cumbersome and problematic unless you have ready access to winches and block and tackle.
Granddad Bods are characterized by an overlarge cushy belly perfect for cuddling. Visions of Java the Hut cradling Princess Leia comes to mind.
Granddad bods promote a stress free lifestyle. Mountains and storage buildings are also stress free.
Granddad bods do not take a lot of work to maintain. Beer runs and couch potato lounging are usually all the maintenance needed.
Granddad bod bellies are a great place to rest your popcorn bowl or fried chicken bucket while watching Chuck Norris movies or the Saints play football (Real American football!) Belly tablecloths or “Gut Covers” are not yet in production.
Granddad bods are great listeners, If you are talking about them, food or sports.
Granddad bods make great tube floats for lounging in the pool, enjoying bobbing in the surf at the beach or relaxing on the nearest lazy river. Beware! Unexpected high tides, tidal surges and flood crests can be expected. There may also be a danger of drifting too far from the shore and being mistaken as an off- shore drilling platform.
Granddad bods have extra layers for cold weather. So do whales, walruses and polar bears!
Granddad bods are at peace with their bodies. Actually, grandad bods are at peace with mashed potatoes and gravy, chili cheese fries, double cheeseburgers and doughnuts.
Granddad bods are considered sexy by intelligent women! Intelligent women are interested in inheriting the farm and bank account sooner than later.
Granddad bods are built for grandkids. Parents must exercise extreme caution when grandkids are climbing on granddad – the distance from the top of his belly to the floor can be deceiving.
Granddad bods move slowly and deliberately. Unless, they are in line for the all you can eat buffet.
Granddad bods are all about being good to their woman. The woman must be willing to cook, clean food stains from clothes, help granddad roll out of bed in the morning, and change the TV channels when the remote becomes too much of a chore.
Granddad bods are humorous and fun to be around! Granddad bods are a ton of fun if you like burping, farting, and jokes normally reserved for 12 year old boys.
Granddad bods will never appear on any of the world’s endangered species lists. Granddad bods will never become extinct as long as there is beer, cheese, and dough to be had.

There you have it, the Pros and Cons of the granddad bod! I hope this list helps clear up any questions. At Granddad Bods are Sexy, we believe sharing knowledge is a beautiful thing, and we are always available to answer questions for the greater good of the Granddad Bod movement. Here at GBS, we believe the youth of today are the granddads of the tomorrow, so we are always happy to answer questions regardless of age. Remember, it is never too early or too late to learn about the benefits of the granddad bod – yours or the granddad bod of a loved one. Happy lounging! I’ll save you a place in the buffet line.

JL

©Jack Linton, June 15, 2015

Advertisements

Granddad Bods are Sexy!

Recently, a Clemson University student, Mackenzie Pearson wrote a school article that went viral. In the article she proclaimed, “Girls are all about that dad bod.” According to Miss Pearson, “dad bod” is the guy who is “softly round” and pudgy around the middle, and instead of having a fit “six- pack” sculpted body, he drank the six-pack.   She proclaims many women find these guys to be the ultimate sex symbols. They are the guys women want the most! Why? I haven’t the slightest idea, but maybe, the “dad bod” says the man is confident in who he is and he is ready to settle down to Saturday nights at home with the wife and kids and a good down to earth Chuck Norris movie high kicking its way across the TV screen. Maybe, it says I don’t mind drinking an occasional beer with the boys, but I would just as soon make a beer run to the Seven-Eleven and come home to cuddle with my wife. Maybe, women are finally tired of competing with self-adoring chiseled men who are more concerned with pumping iron in the gym and primping in front of the mirror than they are paying attention to their woman. Or, maybe, women have finally come to their senses and are ready to settle down with a real man who wants nothing more than to be left in peace with his Pillsbury Dough boy rolls, a soft couch to relax on, a beer to sip on, and a woman he turns on.

For women, it seems the appeal of the “dad bod” lies more in what it represents than what it looks like, and for that I applaud women. It is nice to read that the younger female generations are finally becoming aware of the advantages and finer points of slothiness, languidness, and the virtues of a fully pumped figure.   The realization that there are women who truly appreciate a man’s girth brings tears to my eyes. It is beyond comprehension that there are actually women who would love to sit on my sofa twirling a slender finger in the abyss of my rather cavernous navel button while sharing a large Pizza Hut New York pizza and watching the big game. That is the dream of every substantially hefty man in America. Although it completely defies all universal logic, it does prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is a God and that Heaven can truly exist on earth even for pudgy guys.

However, where was Miss Pearson during the height of my pudginess? Where was she or someone like her when I was in my twenties and thirties and could have benefited most from her startling revelation? Of course, she had yet to be born, but surely there was someone out there – her mother, grandmother, or a close family friend – who had similar ideas of the perfect man and could have made the “dad bod” announcement years ago. Unfortunately, she came along far too late for me and the countless other “dad bods” of my generation who languished unjustly in obscurity. I can only imagine what a little more female sensitivity toward chunky male bodies would have done for my generation’s self-esteem.

The “dad bod” notoriety I was denied as a young man really troubled me for a couple of days after I read the article, but then one night as I was eating supper in front of the television, I dropped a peperoni pizza slice from my plate and my world was forever changed. My wife and I jumped at the same time; she had just vacuumed and mopped the floor that afternoon and my tumbling peperoni slice was about to make a mess of her hard work. We both closed our eyes and cringed in anticipation of the dull squishing spatter of the pizza slice splashing against the floor. No sound! Absolutely, no sound at all! Then my wife began to point at me; a smile of relief spreading across her face. There lying face down on my shirt was the pizza slice. Like a slab of granite breaking loose and sliding and tumbling down the face of a mountain slope, it had caught on the plateau of my portly belly and stopped. My “table muscle” my “granddad belly” had saved me from the dog house!

Beginning that very moment I was on a crusade. Like Miss Pearson, I had made a revolutionary discovery. As I scraped pizza sauce from my shirt, my mission on earth became clear. Like the “dad bod,” which granted a new lease on life to every twenty to thirty-five year old, slightly out of shape, chubby round guy in America, I wanted to do the same for older guys. I wanted to take the uplifting “dad bod” trend one step further! That day, it became my mission to awaken America to the next logical step in the evolution of male sexiness – the “granddad bod!” If women think slightly spongy dad bods are sexy, I reasoned they would go absolute bonkers over the slightly sagging jowls and overlarge cushy bellies of countless granddads across America. Therefore, I launched the “Granddad Bods are Sexy” campaign to change how America looks and thinks about sexy.

As a result, I am busy signing sponsors to help promote and put the words “granddad bod” on the tip of every man and woman’s tongue across the nation. Info commercials will soon go into production for granddad bod essentials such as red and white checkered tablecloths known as “Gut Covers” that are precision cut to fit granddad bellies, deodorized granddad bod boxers that can be worn at home or on the beach, a deodorant soap called “Old Leather,” and a cologne that female test monkeys completely flipped over called “Essence of Yesterday’s Shower.” I am in negotiations with Coleman Campers and Tents to develop a line of breathable tent wear that can be worn casually or to more formal all you can eat buffets. I am also developing two training courses, “How to Utilize your Granddad Bod to its Fullest Potential” and “The Sensitive Side of the Granddad Bod.” My goal is to have the products and courses available to the public by mid-summer. In addition, my wife is developing her own training course designed specifically for women, “How to Feed, Clean and Care for the Granddad Bod in Your Family.” Both of us are excited to share our first-hand knowledge about granddad bods and to do our part to help America become more aware of this national treasure.

In the meantime, if you have any questions regarding the granddad bod, or if you have some granddad bod tidbits you would like to share, please do not hesitate to write and let me know. Putting granddad bods on a pedestal in every home in America is my ultimate goal, so your input is greatly appreciated. The great thing about granddad bods is that given time, limited exercise, and a restrictive diet of fats and carbohydrates, any male can have a granddad bod. And, don’t think for a moment my wife and I have forgotten the ladies; the blueprint for the “Grandma Bod” is on the planning table complete with varicose veins, lower back problems, choices of blue, silver, or white hair color, and sags in all the right places. We plan to put sexy back into the lives of granddads and grandmas across America, and we are so confident we can do it that we have alerted law enforcement to possible riots in the streets if enough granddad and grandma bods are not available to fill the expected demands of younger generations. It is time for granddads and grandmas everywhere to rev up our engines and get back in the sexy game! With granddad and grandma bods, you are never too out of shape to be SEXY!

JL

©Jack Linton, May 31, 2015