Tag Archives: grandma

Growing Up!  The Worst Thing about Grandkids

When it comes to dealing with our grandkids, my wife and I are at opposite ends of the spectrum.  She is all about supporting rules and parameters set by their parents while I tend to give them whatever they want and let the parents deal with the fallout when they get home.  The one thing we agree on is you have never experienced perfection until you become a grandparent.  For a grandmother, there will never be a more handsome or better mannered young man than her grandson, and for a grandfather, a granddaughter is the perfect confirmation of heaven and angels.  Unfortunately, grandkids are not all perfection.  They have issues, such as growing up, that can make grandparenting extremely difficult.

It is not fair, but like puppies, grandchildren grow up.  Growing up does not diminish a grandparent’s love for a grandchild, but it does wreak havoc on the number and quality of hugs and kisses a grandparent receives.  As grandkids grow older, they start needing more personal space, which grandparents do not always understand.  They sometimes take it personal, but a sixteen-year-old is simply repulsed by old slobbery lips.  That a teenager would rather be with his/her friends than eating cookies with grandma and listening to grandpa talk about milking cows is a no brainer.  The older they get the more independent and less slobber absorbing they become.  Grandma and grandpa are no longer super heroes with a bottomless cookie jar or inspiring stories of flying with Peter Pan and joining the Foreign Legion as a boy.  As they grow, a child’s universe expands, which means grandparents are often relegated to playing second fiddle to sports, dance, movies with friends, slumber parties, church, and school events.  Even on the increasingly rare occasions the grandkids visit, grandparents find themselves sharing time with Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram, and text messages that are as continuous as the waves at the beach.  It is a sad fact, but the older the grandkids get the less grandparents see them.  There should be a law that says grandchildren between the ages of birth and eighty must call or visit their grandparents at least once a week.

Another problem with growing up is it becomes harder and harder for grandparents to spoil their grandkids.  Let’s be real, the only purpose in life for grandparents is to pander to the whims and fancies of their grandkids.  Take that away from them, and all that is left are old folks living for the sake of senior discounts, bingo, keno machines, and eating the buffet at Shoneys.  The only thing that keeps grandparents kicking and off the respirator is pampering their grandkids.  Functional grandparenting is just that simple.  However, spoiling grandkids as they grow older is anything but simple.  When they were little, a piece of candy, a cookie, a quarter maybe a dollar, or a bottle of green slime found on sale at Walmart were all that was needed to keep their attention.  However, as they grow into teenhood, attention decreases in direct correlation to the tightness of their jeans!  The tighter they wear their jeans the harder it is for them to focus and the more expensive the toy or bribe it takes for them to show grandma and grandpa the time of day.  I don’t know why; maybe, tight jeans restrict oxygen to the brain. 

One of the most traumatic issues grandparents deal with as the grandkids grow older is the fear they’ll take art lessons.  Imagine grandma’s refrigerator void of hearts cut from construction paper with squiggly “I love Mawmaw” and “Pappaw is the best” scrawled across them.  Think of her refrigerator without pictures of stick people holding hands in front of a red house with a purple sky.  Grandma’s refrigerator without grandkid art would be like a colorless rainbow; it would not make sense.  However, that is what happens when the grandkids grow older and take art lessons.  Their art becomes refined and more intricate, which is wonderful, but it comes at a cost; it loses its innocence.  It is like replacing the Lascaux cave drawings in France with the latest decorator wall paper.  There is joy in the new, but there will always be that nagging sense of loss.  For grandparents, that equates to their fear of being painted out of the picture.

A child’s first Christmas toy is a grandparent; they’re lovable, huggable, and easy to manipulate.  That is the way it should be, and the way grandparents want it to be, always.  Grandkids are grandparents’ second chance to get it right, and grandparents will face off against the world to make sure nothing messes up that chance – not even growing up.  Honestly though, grandparents take great joy in watching their grandkids grow up, but at the same time it reminds them that, like their children, growing up means moving on, and that is not easy for old codgers who have moved as far as they care to go.  Therefore, my wife and I have but one thing to say to our grandchildren – come see us as often as you can and bring a hug.  Don’t worry about squeezing too hard; grandparents don’t break easily unless left alone.   

JL

©Jack Linton, March 7, 2017

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Are You in Bed with a Conservative or a Liberal?

No matter the venue – television, radio, newspaper, or social media – you will likely hear “conservative” and “liberal” sloshed around like muddy drinking water.  “Conservatives to the right, liberals to the left,” Jimmy Buffet might sing to illustrate the depth of understanding for these overused and abused words.  If you are on the right, you are right, but if you are on the left, you are wrong, or should it be vice versa?  Who knows!  In today’s society, that question is too deep for the majority of people to comprehend.

Most people wouldn’t know a conservative from a liberal if one sat on their face and whistled Dixie.  When it comes to beliefs and values, they simply pick up where grandpa and grandma left off and mama and daddy still reside and dance along blissfully naïve in their footsteps.  They have no idea why they believe a certain way other than, somewhere along the way, they were told how they should think and believe.  Original thought is not well in America.

William Shakespeare said, “Misery acquaints a man with strange bedfellows.”  It doesn’t get more miserable than the conservative and liberal relationship, nor do bedfellows come any stranger.  Maturity wise, both groups are not too far removed from the backseat “he touched me” whine heard on long risible family vacations.  They are reminders a mature understanding and acceptance of diversity and tolerance is not one of America’s strong points.  However, a major part of the problem, overlooked by so many, is few people are purely conservative or liberal; people tend to fall somewhere in between, which adds confusion to the issue.  To make matters worse, people are often tossed from the ranks of the conservative to the ranks of the liberal and back again with a word, statement, or action.  Membership in either group depends as much on the moment as it does on embedded values.  Like two people caught in a rocky marriage; it is hard to tell who you are in bed with sometimes, and that can indeed produce strange bedfellows.

You Know You Are in bed with. . . .

  1. You know you are in bed with a conservative if there is no foreplay;
  2. You know you are in bed with a liberal if you make love with the lights on;
  3. You know you are in bed with a conservative if your partner considers love making a duty;
  4. You know you are in bed with a liberal if your partner comes back for seconds;
  5. You know you are in bed with a conservative if your partner insists on paying because he/she doesn’t believe in a free ride;
  6. You know you are in bed with a liberal if sex is considered recreational;
  7. You know you are in bed with a conservative if there is a gun under the pillow;
  8. You know you are in bed with a liberal if there is a whip and a jar of honey under the pillow;
  9. You know you are in bed with a conservative if your partner believes the missionary position is the only one way to make love;
  10. You know you are in bed with a liberal if love making is a team sport;
  11. You know you are in bed with a conservative if your partner misses the point and is offended by this blog; and
  12. You know you are in bed with a liberal if your partner misses the point, and thinks the blog is a funny/satirical look at sex education.

So, are you and/or your partner a conservative or a liberal?  More important, who cares!  The truth is conservative and liberal tags are little more than excuses to enable people to express their ignorance about one another.

JL

©Jack Linton, August 7, 2016

Granddad Bods are Sexy!

Recently, a Clemson University student, Mackenzie Pearson wrote a school article that went viral. In the article she proclaimed, “Girls are all about that dad bod.” According to Miss Pearson, “dad bod” is the guy who is “softly round” and pudgy around the middle, and instead of having a fit “six- pack” sculpted body, he drank the six-pack.   She proclaims many women find these guys to be the ultimate sex symbols. They are the guys women want the most! Why? I haven’t the slightest idea, but maybe, the “dad bod” says the man is confident in who he is and he is ready to settle down to Saturday nights at home with the wife and kids and a good down to earth Chuck Norris movie high kicking its way across the TV screen. Maybe, it says I don’t mind drinking an occasional beer with the boys, but I would just as soon make a beer run to the Seven-Eleven and come home to cuddle with my wife. Maybe, women are finally tired of competing with self-adoring chiseled men who are more concerned with pumping iron in the gym and primping in front of the mirror than they are paying attention to their woman. Or, maybe, women have finally come to their senses and are ready to settle down with a real man who wants nothing more than to be left in peace with his Pillsbury Dough boy rolls, a soft couch to relax on, a beer to sip on, and a woman he turns on.

For women, it seems the appeal of the “dad bod” lies more in what it represents than what it looks like, and for that I applaud women. It is nice to read that the younger female generations are finally becoming aware of the advantages and finer points of slothiness, languidness, and the virtues of a fully pumped figure.   The realization that there are women who truly appreciate a man’s girth brings tears to my eyes. It is beyond comprehension that there are actually women who would love to sit on my sofa twirling a slender finger in the abyss of my rather cavernous navel button while sharing a large Pizza Hut New York pizza and watching the big game. That is the dream of every substantially hefty man in America. Although it completely defies all universal logic, it does prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is a God and that Heaven can truly exist on earth even for pudgy guys.

However, where was Miss Pearson during the height of my pudginess? Where was she or someone like her when I was in my twenties and thirties and could have benefited most from her startling revelation? Of course, she had yet to be born, but surely there was someone out there – her mother, grandmother, or a close family friend – who had similar ideas of the perfect man and could have made the “dad bod” announcement years ago. Unfortunately, she came along far too late for me and the countless other “dad bods” of my generation who languished unjustly in obscurity. I can only imagine what a little more female sensitivity toward chunky male bodies would have done for my generation’s self-esteem.

The “dad bod” notoriety I was denied as a young man really troubled me for a couple of days after I read the article, but then one night as I was eating supper in front of the television, I dropped a peperoni pizza slice from my plate and my world was forever changed. My wife and I jumped at the same time; she had just vacuumed and mopped the floor that afternoon and my tumbling peperoni slice was about to make a mess of her hard work. We both closed our eyes and cringed in anticipation of the dull squishing spatter of the pizza slice splashing against the floor. No sound! Absolutely, no sound at all! Then my wife began to point at me; a smile of relief spreading across her face. There lying face down on my shirt was the pizza slice. Like a slab of granite breaking loose and sliding and tumbling down the face of a mountain slope, it had caught on the plateau of my portly belly and stopped. My “table muscle” my “granddad belly” had saved me from the dog house!

Beginning that very moment I was on a crusade. Like Miss Pearson, I had made a revolutionary discovery. As I scraped pizza sauce from my shirt, my mission on earth became clear. Like the “dad bod,” which granted a new lease on life to every twenty to thirty-five year old, slightly out of shape, chubby round guy in America, I wanted to do the same for older guys. I wanted to take the uplifting “dad bod” trend one step further! That day, it became my mission to awaken America to the next logical step in the evolution of male sexiness – the “granddad bod!” If women think slightly spongy dad bods are sexy, I reasoned they would go absolute bonkers over the slightly sagging jowls and overlarge cushy bellies of countless granddads across America. Therefore, I launched the “Granddad Bods are Sexy” campaign to change how America looks and thinks about sexy.

As a result, I am busy signing sponsors to help promote and put the words “granddad bod” on the tip of every man and woman’s tongue across the nation. Info commercials will soon go into production for granddad bod essentials such as red and white checkered tablecloths known as “Gut Covers” that are precision cut to fit granddad bellies, deodorized granddad bod boxers that can be worn at home or on the beach, a deodorant soap called “Old Leather,” and a cologne that female test monkeys completely flipped over called “Essence of Yesterday’s Shower.” I am in negotiations with Coleman Campers and Tents to develop a line of breathable tent wear that can be worn casually or to more formal all you can eat buffets. I am also developing two training courses, “How to Utilize your Granddad Bod to its Fullest Potential” and “The Sensitive Side of the Granddad Bod.” My goal is to have the products and courses available to the public by mid-summer. In addition, my wife is developing her own training course designed specifically for women, “How to Feed, Clean and Care for the Granddad Bod in Your Family.” Both of us are excited to share our first-hand knowledge about granddad bods and to do our part to help America become more aware of this national treasure.

In the meantime, if you have any questions regarding the granddad bod, or if you have some granddad bod tidbits you would like to share, please do not hesitate to write and let me know. Putting granddad bods on a pedestal in every home in America is my ultimate goal, so your input is greatly appreciated. The great thing about granddad bods is that given time, limited exercise, and a restrictive diet of fats and carbohydrates, any male can have a granddad bod. And, don’t think for a moment my wife and I have forgotten the ladies; the blueprint for the “Grandma Bod” is on the planning table complete with varicose veins, lower back problems, choices of blue, silver, or white hair color, and sags in all the right places. We plan to put sexy back into the lives of granddads and grandmas across America, and we are so confident we can do it that we have alerted law enforcement to possible riots in the streets if enough granddad and grandma bods are not available to fill the expected demands of younger generations. It is time for granddads and grandmas everywhere to rev up our engines and get back in the sexy game! With granddad and grandma bods, you are never too out of shape to be SEXY!

JL

©Jack Linton, May 31, 2015