Tag Archives: humor

How to Use Your Cell Phone to be RUDE, DISRESPECTFUL and INCONSIDERATE

It is not a secret I have always despised cell phones, but it is not widely known that I have finally seen the light.  To my wife’s surprise, I recently moved from the dark side to the side of the Enlighted and the Cool!  I even bought a new Hawaiian shirt to show how cool I am.  No longer do I hate the idea of being tethered to a cell phone, and cell phone users, who I once thought of as obnoxious creatures with little or no manners, do not bother me at all anymore.  Before my transformation, I didn’t “get it” when it came to cell phones or their users, but now I do.  It took longer than it should have, but I finally realized everything I had always believed about cell phone users was wrong!  Being self-centered and inconsiderate is not a terrible thing at all.  What I once perceived as being rude, disrespectful, and inconsiderate are tools cell phone users use to keep society at bay, family and friends in their place, and themselves at the center of the universe.

This is a complete turnaround from the old me, who saw cell phone users as self-centered idiots with cancer plates shoved against their ear holes 24/7.  Since my change, however, I have joined forces with cell phone users; I am all about being rude, disrespectful, and inconsiderate if it ensures my place at the center of the universe. Remember, cell phone users believe they are the most important people in the world; they are the center of the universe.  The new me thinks no differently.

To convey this message to everyone, the dysfunctional cell phone user understands he/she must master being rude, disrespectful, and inconsiderate.  However, that is not as easy as it sounds.  I discovered it takes practice to be self-centered every single day although it is easier with a cell phone in your hand.  To make it even easier, I developed ten simple guidelines for cell phone usage to help hardcore cell phone users, newbies, and returnees. like me, master the art of dysfunctional cell phone usage.  I call these quick, nitty gritty, get down to the dirty, guidelines “How to Use Your Cell Phone to be RUDE, DISRESPECTFUL and INCONSIDERATE.”  This short tutorial should be mass produced and placed in the box of every new cell phone sold.  As we all know, for many cell phone users, being rude, disrespectful, and inconsiderate comes naturally, but for some, these traits must be learned.  Here’s to learning!

How to Use Your Cell Phone to be RUDE, DISRESPECTFUL and INCONSIDERATE

  1. Stay glued to your cell phone during family or social gatherings. This will show everyone just how bored you are and that there are more important people in your life than the people you are with;
  2. Interrupt dinner at home or in a restaurant by answering your cell phone at the table. This will show just how little you think of everyone at the table as well as keep you at the center of the conversation;
  3. Answer your cell phone while engaged in a face to face conversation with another person. Nothing says the caller is more important better than disengaging from a conversation to answer your cell phone.  Sorry, but answering for a family emergency or an important business call you told the other person about at the start of your conversation does not give you points for rudeness;
  4. Once the lights go down in the movie theater, call or text a friend.  You paid for use of the seat and air conditioning, so other than Alfred Hitchcock, no one should care.  If they do, so what!
  5. Call someone before 9 am or after 9 pm. So what if they are sleeping or trying to get kids and themselves off to school and work!  Waiting until after morning coffee and breakfast or until the next morning is an inconvenience that can be avoided. [Note:  Rudeness points are not awarded for family and close friends];
  6. Say “What?” when you answer your cell phone. Let the caller know up front he/she better have a good reason for calling;
  7. Engage in a phone conversation while doing your business on the toilet. Who says there can’t be human interaction when churning the pot?  There is nothing wrong with a few grunts and groans between words or sentences.  Also, there is no greater closure to a phone conversation than a toilet flushing;
  8. When talking on your cell phone, talk loud enough to shake the windows. When dining out, shopping, visiting, or using the toilet, nothing is as discouraging to eavesdroppers as someone using their “inside voice” when talking on their cell phone, so speak up;
  9. Completely segregate yourself from the world around you by plugging into your cell phone every minute of every hour you are awake. When walking around with a cell phone to your ear or your nose stuck to the screen, you appear unapproachable – mission accomplished; and
  10. Make your cell phone the priority in your life! Ignore personal relationships by relegating them to social media, texting, and talking on your cell phone.

By the way, if you are one of the few who really doesn’t want to be RUDE, DISRESPECTFUL and INCONSIDERATE of others when using your cell phone, I have one final piece of advice – SHUT IT OFF, PUT IT IN YOUR POCKET OR PURSE, AND TALK TO YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS!  Get to know them; it is the human way.

JL

©Jack Linton, June 1, 2017

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Five New Pet Products Every Pet Owner must Have

Recently I was introduced to Lickibrush, a rubber brush shaped like a large tongue that is used by cat owners to bond with their pet.  Picture this – the cat owner grips the Lickibrush in his teeth and combs it through the cat’s fur with long grooming licking strokes.  Most cats do this for themselves, but somewhere along the way some smart and crafty cat decided it would be easier to train their human to lick for them.  As a result, the enterprising cat marketed Lickibrush as a tool for humans to bond with Frisky (or whatever their cat’s name might be).  Think about it; who is smarter – the cat getting a massage and groom without lifting a paw, or the silly human with a rubber tongue protruding from his face?

I like cats, and over the years, I bonded with several, but not once did it occur to me to strengthen that bond by licking them.  Whether it is a cat or a human, there are consequences for cat licking.  HAIRBALLS!  A cat choking, gagging, and throwing up hairballs is a disgusting sight to behold and even worse to clean up.  So, why in the name of all that is sane, would a cat owner want to engage in a process that will ultimately lead to convulsive heaving and expulsion of nasty human size hairballs?  Who wants to clean up that mess?  Bonding with my cat or any animal is just not that important to me!

I hope animal loving fanatics will forgive me, but I must politely and emphatically say, “NO!” to Lickibrush.  The product simply does not make sense.  However, I have several products I am preparing to market that not only make sense but are practical and beneficial in the world of animal lovers.  Like Lickibrush, these products may appear to be a bit peculiar, but I can assure you unlike Lickibrush each one makes perfect sense and lends itself to practical application in the world of pet mania.

Five New Pet Products Every Pet Owner has to Have

PooShootSniffer

This device is the ultimate gadget for getting into you dog’s head.  Dog owners wear the rubber dog snout with a soft pliable wet nose (simply moisten with water before each use) over their nose.  When wearing the PooShootSniffer, dog owners can bond with Rover in ways never imaginable.  The instructions are extremely simple – while wearing PooShootSniffer, the owner drops to his hands and knees behind their pet and sniffs.  That is all there is to it!  By sniffing Rover’s butt, the owner says “I care,” “I am here for you,” and “You are special.”   PooShootSniffer is the perfect remedy for dogs that are depressed or lonely.  WARNING:  If your dog growls when you are using PooShootSniffer, back off!  Rover is letting you know that he is uncomfortable, and you are violating his personal space.

Babelshit

This device is designed expressly for pet owners with talking parrots.  However, it could just as easily be used with children to prepare them for watching movies, riding the school bus, or hanging out at the mall.  Babelshit is an electronic device that is mounted on the side of Polly’s cage.  When switched on, it produces profanity in up to 64 languages.  It audibly feeds Polly a steady stream of intoxicating four letter words.  With Babelshit, your pet parrot as well as your kids can learn to curse like all the cool folks do these days.  Now, how cool and classy is that?

Crapsteppers

Have you ever been away from home on business or a vacation and missed your pets?  That can be a real bummer, and make the trip almost unbearable.  However, Crapsteppers can help remedy that lonely displaced feeling.  Crapsteppers are rubber shoe soles that smell like dog crap.  Although it is sometimes impossible to bring your dog with you when out of town, with Crapsteppers, you can always bring the pungent smell of dog crap with you regardless of how far from home you travel.  Simply slip Crapsteppers rubber soles on your shoes, and instantly it smells as though you have been wallowing in dog poo.  The scented rubber soles can be worn on any shoe – casual or formal.  Imagine yourself sitting in your next boring business meeting wearing a pair of Crapsteppers.  While those around you are gagging, you can relax and almost feel Rover between your toes.

For those dog owners with limited room to pack, Crapsteppers also comes in a convenient travel size spray as well as sensible towelette packets.  The great news is the rubber slip ons, the travel spray, and towelettes come in three nose titillating fragrances:  Outdoorsy – a classic mixture of doggy poo and fresh cut grass; OopsyFresh – the warm fragrance of fresh doggy poo in an enclosed area (such as a living room or kitchen) mixed with elegant touches of morning bacon and coffee; and LingeringHeaven – the faint yet distinctive fragrance of well cured and forgotten or lost doggy poo.

Can’t bring your best friend with you? Take along Crapsteppers!  With Crapsteppers, you will never escape the lingering overpowering spice of dog poo that pet owners know and love so well.

DoggySee/DoggyRun

This unique device is for the pet owner who is too busy or too lazy to take his dog for a walk, or the pet owner lives in an apartment with no space for Rover to run and play.  The 3D device straps around Rover’s head over his eyes, so he can have the sensation of going on long walks or running free in vast open fields of daises (watch where you step!).  It is also ideal for overweight couch potato dogs.   The truly smart dog owner will buy two DoggySEE/DoggyRUN devices, so he can share long leisurely walks in the park and runs through mountain meadows with Rover.  For the thoughtful dog owner, DoggySEE/DoggyRUN is all about taking an active interest in the life of your pet.

HumanDoggyDoor

The HumanDoggyDoor comes directly from the why didn’t I think about this department!  This ingenious structure is attached to and around a doggy door.  It expands the opening so humans can also enter and leave the house or apartment at will.  It comes complete with frame, door panels, and hardware to attach to Rover’s door, and it has doorknobs the human can be trained to turn to enter or leave the house or apartment.  The structure also comes with locks as part of the doorknob assembly, so Rover can lock his owner in or out of the house/apartment at his discretion.

 

There is nothing fancy about any of these products.  They are products that are long overdue on the pet market.  Therefore, the next time you are in the car, house, or movie theater and smell dog poo, don’t ask who stepped in the poo, look for someone wearing rubber Crapsteppers instead.

JL

©Jack Linton, May 2, 2017

Facebook is People Being People

Sometimes people get upset and bent out of shape over posts on Facebook – sometimes for good reasons, and sometimes for reasons not so good.  There are times when you laugh with people on Facebook and times when you want to wring their necks.  If you choose to be a part of social media, you will experience both.  Why?  It is simple.  Facebook is people being people, and if you can’t accept that, you have no business being on Facebook.

At the end of the day, there is one given with social media – people will post just about anything for just about any reason.  That means the odds are excellent you can find something to offend you if you look hard enough, or you are in the right frame of mind to be offended.  There are offenses to meet every taste on Facebook from really rotten truly offensive stuff to petty, silly, downright ridiculous stuff.  At times, people even get their panties in a wad over innocent things that were never intended to offend anyone, but what is sad is when the offended person refuses to let it go regardless how many apologies are forth coming.

Please, let me repeat!  Facebook is people being people, and if you can’t accept that, you have no business being on Facebook.  People post for a variety of reasons, and other than holding a stinky rotten cheese stick to their head, there is little anyone can do about it.  If a person owns a computer, tablet, or smart phone, with a Facebook app, they can post whatever they please.  If it offends, you can laugh it off, you can ignore it, you can lash out, you can hold a grudge, you can act like a blooming idiot and make a fool of yourself, you can offend them back, you can dig up dirty laundry you know about the offender and post it, or you can unfriend the offender, but that is about all you can do.  As of now, offending someone – intentionally or unintentionally – is not punishable by prison time or the death chamber, so move on – let it go, especially if the offending person offers an apology.  Remember, Facebook is people being people, so accept it, or go do something more constructive with your time like read a book.

People being People on Facebook:

  1. People who post to witness and share their religious status;
  2. People who post because they are lonely and seek human contact;
  3. People who post to be funny or humorous (at least they try);
  4. People who post to share something that makes them happy or excited;
  5. People who post to affirm their existence;
  6. People who post to share a political or social view or rant;
  7. People who post because they are on Facebook and don’t want to be perceived as lurking in the background;
  8. People who post to provoke a rise out of people or get their goat;
  9. People who post to Facebook as a family scrap book;
  10. People who post because it is easier to post to Facebook than actually talk to people;
  11. People who post because they like noise of any kind in their lives;
  12. People who post because they don’t have a life;
  13. People who post because deep down they really like people and like being around them;
  14. People who post on Facebook because they have a short attention span and cannot read or write anything beyond a handful of sentences;
  15. People who post because Facebook is the only family they have;
  16. People who post to share their pity party;
  17. People who post to keep up with friends;
  18. People who post because it gives them a sense of being somebody;
  19. People who post to simply inform; and
  20. People who post because they can.

Facebook is people being people!

JL

©Jack Linton, April 27, 2017

Lessons We Learned from Our Kids

Parents teach their children valuable lessons to take with them through life.  Lessons about family and building relationships usually top the list, and countless hours are spent teaching, modelling, and reinforcing those lessons until they become embedded in the child.  Many parents turn to articles and books to guide them through the parenting maze, but even then, raising children is trial and error at best.  Teaching lessons that will carry children to success throughout their lives is not an easy task, but with perseverance, most parents succeed in giving their children the foundation and confidence they need to be successful in life.

However, life lessons are not just for kids.  Kids are quite adept at teaching their parents a few lessons of their own.  The first lesson, which parents are often oblivious to until too late, is kids are always in control.  Parents may think otherwise, but they are only deceiving themselves.  They are under the thumb of their children, and they remain there for a lifetime.  From an early age, kids sell the idea that “kids come first,” and “the world revolves around them.”  Since parents are more eager to please their children than their children are to please them, they buy into the “kids first” mentality hook, line, and sinker.  As a result, they are defenseless against being brainwashed.  They are at the mercy of master manipulators – their children.

My wife and I are no different; we were thoroughly brainwashed, manipulated, and trained by our three children.  They made us unwavering disciples of “our kids come first” and “our world revolves around our kids.”  In our home, there has never been any doubt who “ruled the roost” – the kids!   Our two sons and daughter taught us how to run errands for them at the drop of a hat and cater to their every need.  Their dear old mom slaved over a stove and oven eight hours a day to cook their favorite meals, and what did she get?  Turned up noses and squeals of “Ewww, there’s an onion in my potato salad;” “Gross there’s tomato pieces in the spaghetti sauce;” and “I’m not eating anything green.”  How that poor woman made it through the child bearing years only to be bushwhacked by kids with the palate of a McDonald’s junky, I will never know!  Nevertheless, like most parents, we were and are bound within a system of labor (service to our kids) for a fixed period of time (from birth to forever) in which our lives are exclusively the property of our children.  In fact, we have been named “Indentured Servants” of the year more than once since the births of our children.  However, if you ask my wife, she will tell you we would not have it any other way, especially now that our children are parents.

We are having the time of our lives watching our grandkids wrap our daughter and sons around their sticky little fingers.  Like us, our kids have become “Indentured Servants” to their children – baseball, softball, football, golf, cheerleading, band, show choir, church youth events, sleepovers, cooking their meals with special attention to personal diets and preferences, washing their clothes, money for movies, keys to the car, and waiting to 11:00 a.m. to cut the grass on Saturday morning so as not to interrupt the little darlings’ sleep are just a few of the concessions they along with countless other parents make for their children!  It’s all fun though, and when their children are thirty, our kids will most likely agree as well.  Our kids keep us smiling and young, and my wife and I would not change any of it for any treasure in this world. The good news is we are confident the lessons are not over.  With six grandchildren, we still have a lot to learn, but the grandkids will have to work hard if they expect to top the following list of lessons their parents taught us.

 Lessons We Learned from Our Three Kids

  • It is not wise to jump out of a swing backwards;
  • Dancing can break bones;
  • You really don’t want to know what the odor in your sons’ bedroom is;
  • Towel capes cannot make you fly, but they are good for cleaning up the blood before mom gets home;
  • One daughter is more than a match for two sons;
  • Sharpies will write on anything including floors, walls, and ceilings as well as act as the perfect touch-up paint for everything that does not need painting;
  • A clothes dryer does not make a good hamster’s wheel – RIP Herman;
  • Lost underpants during potty training means ransacking the house to find those underpants;
  • Boiled Easter eggs will spoil if kept under the bed until the following Easter;
  • Parents should be extra suspicious when their children are quite;
  • Do not drink after your kids;
  • “Uh oh” after the toilet flushes means “watch out,” but it is probably too late.

JL

©Jack Linton, April 20, 2017

People I Find Hard to Handle!

Nine people I find hard to handle, yet at times I may be guilty of acting like them:

  • People who blow their nose in public and then open the tissue or handkerchief to take a look! If you need to blow your nose in public, please do so, but do you really need to look at it afterwards?  What do you expect to find – brain residue?
  • People who text and drive! Thank the good Lord, I am not very good at texting, so texting and driving is not a problem for me!  People who text and drive should drive with a revolver with one bullet in the cylinder next to them on the seat.  That way just before they text, they can pick up the gun, spin the cylinder, put the gun to their head, and pull the trigger.  The odds are the same that sooner or later the gun will fire and texting while driving will lead to a deadly accident.  Every time I see a person texting while driving, I always think, “There goes a funeral waiting to happen;”
  • Fat guys who wear a Speedo on the beach! I have never been guilty of this, but if I ever find myself alone in the world with no family or friends, this will be my way of getting even with the world!
  • People who think a “Yield” sign means they have the right-of-way! We’ve all been there. We are driving down the highway when from the corner of our eye we see some bozo merging from a side ramp without bothering to look to see if a car is the lane.  The result, we slam on brakes to let him in to prevent an accident.  Bozo continues along his merry way never aware that his failure to adhere to the yield sign and merge properly almost caused an accident;
  • Overweight women who wear a two piece on the beach! There are certain things that are simply unbecoming on a woman wearing a two piece bathing suit at the beach:  a cigarette in her mouth; dried out leathery skin; a stretched out boat anchor tattoo on her belly; boobs she kicks when she walks; and bikini bottoms that read, “Danger, wide load!”
  • People who smoke! There are few things in this world nastier than cigarette smoke.  Tried it one time, but thank God, it made me sicker than a dog, so I never tried it again.  If a person wants to commit suicide by smoking, that is his/her choice, but they should do it in the privacy of their home away from people who enjoy living;
  • People who cannot express themselves without the use of profanity. Unfortunately, when frustrated or I smash my thumb with a hammer, I have been known to use words I later regretted and made me ashamed of myself.  However, outside those times, I try my best to avoid thinking with my brain stem and using “hardcore profanity.”  Heck, it bothers me to hear just about everyone these days say, “I gotta go pee.”  Whatever happened to “I gotta go to the bathroom,” or “I gotta go to the restroom?”  I really don’t understand why it is so important for folks to broadcast which bodily excretion they need to discharge;
  • People who cannot accept others for who they are! Most people have been guilty of pushing their agendas on others at one time or another.  People feel comfortable when the world around them conforms to them.  However, not everyone is like me or you, and that is okay.  Unfortunately, far too many people in our society don’t feel that way.  If people do not think like them, believe like them, or live like them, some folks cannot rest until those people are converted into a “mini me.”  If conversion is not possible, therein lies the underlying current of tension in our society; and
  • People who are offended by everything! Most people, including me, have been offended at some point in their lives.  However, most sane people do not make it a habit to look for things to offend them, which is too often the case in our world today.  If something offends you, it’s okay to address it, but in the name of Bozo the Clown, don’t park your insecurities on the offense and make your life and the lives of everyone around you miserable – MOVE ON!  Therefore, if I offended you with this blog, MOVE ON!  I can assure you I was not thinking of you personally when I wrote the blog unless you are one of the people mentioned above in which case I am the one offended, so I shall now MOVE ON!

JL

©Jack Linton, April 9, 2017

The Human Achilles Heel – Reading

Zombies can teach us a thing or two about the importance of reading.  However, getting a zombie to sit down for an interview and talk without it biting your head off is tricky at best.  While most people live in a world of rush, rush, rush, zombies have learned to slow the world down.  They understand slow and intentional is the key to everything, especially a prosperous life.  It is the difference between indigestion and a heart attack.  Therefore, they never rush into anything, especially taking over the world.  They are slow, methodical, and intentional to a fault.

For example, look at reading.  Reading is an intentional activity exercised by higher order species.  In other words, if you walk upright without your knuckles dragging the ground and you have a lick of sense about you, in theory, you should be a reader or at least capable of reading.  Of course, there are always exceptions such as the politicians running the government or those poor souls who buy into late night infomercials on television.  Those wacky doodles aside, serious readers such as zombies are intentional about their reading.  In fact, they are often more intentional about reading than they are about cannibalism.  When they get involved in a good book or find a fascinating resource, they sometimes go days without eating anything other than a slice of ear or a quick eyeball – you know, snack food.

Most zombies I have interviewed say it is easier to find someone to eat than it is to find a good book to read and the time to read it.  Finding time to read is difficult, but zombies have made time for reading a priority even when it means not going on the prowl as much as they like.  To their credit, they, unlike humans, live by a code that emphasizes daily reading.  They know a thing or two about brain dead, so unlike many humans, they are relentless in their pursuit of stimulating brain activity.

Even zombie leaders look for ways to scratch out a few minutes to read, and they are intentional when it comes to modeling reading for their followers.  That is why it is not uncommon to find huge herds of zombies reading as they migrate across the nation.  Finding a zombie reading on doorsteps outside a home staked out for lunch or dinner is even more common.  Such devotion to reading can be attributed to great leadership.   Great leaders insist on knowledgeable and healthy followers, and there is not a better way to increase mental and physical health than to read.

There has been a great deal of research into zombies, and one of the most interesting findings has been the revelation that it is their devotion to reading that makes them so formidable.  Their success at moving massive herds across deserts and through noon time traffic jams in New York, Atlanta, and Eastabuchie is not luck.  By reading regularly, they keep up with such important information as the latest migratory data and traffic avoidance strategies.  Although they might turn stomachs on first look and appear frightening, in truth, they are far less terrifying than humans who don’t read.  The research clearly indicates, as a species, they are simply better readers than humans and therefore tend to be more rational thinkers.

Some will argue that is not true.  However, all anyone needs to do is look at human Facebook pages, Twitter messages, and text messages to see humans have an aversion to reading anything beyond a hundred words with a strong preference for forty words and under.  It is hard to say if they are genetically tied to a minimalistic reading quota, they are genetically lazy, or simply brain dead.  A quota or lazy gene may be legitimate issues, but brain dead is not an excuse – especially for humans.  Zombies are brain dead, but that does not prevent them from out reading humans ten to one.  When you take into consideration there are unrealistic restrictions that prevent zombies from having an Amazon.com account or a library card, a ten to one ratio is beyond remarkable.

On the other side, the human side, it is a safe bet in today’s America that anything written beyond one-hundred words will effectively turn off ninety-five percent of the American population.  If a foreign government wished to successfully invade and conquer the United States all they need to do is offer free cable, internet, cell phones, and electronic tablets to the public on any day of the week and especially on Super Bowl Sunday.  In the United States, the less than five percent reading or abstaining from electronic stimulation on any given day would be hard pressed to repel a foreign invasion.  The same can be said of a zombie invasion.  The only difference is the zombies are already here.  They have grown from a aggravating parasite to an immediate threat to the human way of life, and they have done so by intentionally reigniting brain electrodes while humans in America have effectively electronically sterilized their brains!

Because they are prolific readers, the zombie general population is as much as eight steps ahead of the human general population.  To put this in proper perspective, it is like comparing the brain activity of an amoeba to the brain activity of Albert Einstein where the amoeba represents the non-reading human population and Einstein represents a zombie nation of readers.  Before they became readers, zombies rambled aimlessly across the nation getting their heads split by machetes or screwdrivers driven through an eye socket into the brain.  Other than the occasional rat killing, there was little for zombies to look forward to in life.  However, once they turned to reading, their lives changed for the better, especially after they formed book study groups to study such classics as Sun Tzu’s The Art of War.  Through reading, the Zombie Nation has reinvented itself, and as a result, these blood gurglers of the dead are fast becoming unstoppable.

While American leaders indulge in self-importance, self-righteousness, party agendas, conspiracies, and the dumbing down of their followers, zombie leaders are growing themselves and building a base of highly literate followers.  They are constantly reading, researching, trying new ideas, embracing them when they fit, and discarding them when they don’t.  They are slowly taking control of America, and they are doing it without firing a single shot.  They are intellectually preparing themselves for the day when American humans can no longer read much less comprehend their gun manuals.  The human Achilles heel (reading) has become the sword by which zombies will inherit the nation.  While humans have become complacent and comfortable in who they are and in what they do, zombies led by the example of wise well-read leaders, are reading every cookbook in America in preparation for the day they take over.  Complacency rarely happens with zombies.  Their intensity is unrelenting!  They never relax; they are totally focused on their next book and meal.

JL

©Jack Linton, March 21, 2017

Such are the Stupid Things We Do

I don’t know what it is about our society, but it seems somebody somewhere is always doing something stupid.   Whether it is by design, by chance, or out of our penchant for convenience, there is never a shortage of the ridiculous.   Some of it we create and some of it is created for us, but either way as Forrest Gump said, “Stupid is as stupid does.”  That is even truer today.  Maybe, it is because, in today’s world, we have more opportunities to face stupidity, or maybe, we are just smarter today and can better identify stupid when we see it.

One of the stupidest things I have seen lately was a isign in a local PETCO store. First, I must explain, I am an animal lover (for the most part), but I have this unique ability to recognize animals are not human. Yes, I am one of those rare throwbacks who believe people are people and animals are animals. I am one of those horrible people who thinks there is nothing wrong with giving a dog or cat a biscuit or bone from the table. My wife and I make sure our pets are up to date on necessary shots and go to the vet when they are truly ill, but I do not buy into bi-annual doggy dental cleanings, doggy colonoscopies, or doggy birthing rooms, and the same goes for cats, hamsters, rabbits and pigs. For heaven’s sake, five minutes after a dog gets his teeth cleaned it is sniffing and licking anything nasty that comes within sniffing distance of its nose and tongue.  Therefore, are doggy dental cleanings really worth the effort?  Probably not, yet, such are the stupid things we do!

I have yet to see the value in flossing for my dog, but my wife insists dogs should have good manners, so we took our six month old, sweet as sin, hell on four legs, lab mix to PETCO for obedience training. While waiting for the instructor, I noticed a sign outlining guidelines for pet adoptions. I could not believe what I read! In addition to screening individuals for pet compatibility, anyone wishing to adopt a pet was subject to a polygraph and required to release their tax records for the past seven years to prove they were financially stable and could  provide a good home for the adopted pet. The adopting family had to agree to a criminal and psychiatric background check as well as an on-site home inspection and evaluation.  It was also recommended the new pet be provided private space with a written schedule for when human/pet interaction was permissible.  In a side note, there was a recommendation, though not required, the private space be a separate room with its own pooh facilities. I told my wife the guidelines went way too far, but she calmly assured me the guidelines were intended to match the pet with caring adults.  She said the requirements and suggestions were not a personal conspiracy against me or others like me.  I was not sure how to take “others like me,” but I accepted her explanation. Besides, it was obvious the whole thing was written by a liberal. I could even accept that, but when I read the last guideline that said pet counseling may be required, I fell to the floor laughing.

Pet counseling! I could see Simon, our lab mix, reclining on a shrink’s sofa, one paw lying across his eyes, the other holding a cigarette from which he took an occasional long draw. A female shrink sat across from him, legs crossed, an old time yellow legal pad and pencil in hand, asking questions. “Tell me about your parents,” she said.

Simon took a long draw on the cigarette and thought for a moment. “I only knew my mama for a few short weeks,” he said. “I didn’t know my daddy at all.”

How do you feel about that?” she asked.

Haven’t really given it much thought,” Simon said.

You ever feel depressed because of it?” the shrink asked.

Nothing that a little licking can’t cheer up,” Simon replied.

“Have you ever thought licking might be a sign of a deeper issue?” the female shrink asked.

No mam, when it comes to licking, I like it, so I do it.” Simon said and ground the cigarette into a cat shaped ashtray.  “If it feels good, I pretty much do it without much thought.” 

I believe Simon has life figured out better than any of us.  If it itches, scratch it; if it smells, sniff it; if it feels good, lick it, but whatever you do, don’t over think it.  I am most likely over thinking this pet counseling business, but in my opinion, pet counseling is one of the coolest stupid things people do. It is up there with paying a professional pooper scooper to clean your backyard. It’s true, some folks pay to have someone come to their house once a week and pick up dog and cat pooh.  In fact, pooper scoopers have their own organization, the Association of Professional Animal Waste Specialists.   It’s true – look it up!  Can you think of anything stupider?  I am not talking about the guy who makes money picking up pet pooh; I admire him for his ingenuity. I am talking about the nitwits who pay him, but such are the stupid things we do!

JL

©ack Linton, February 28, 2017