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LSU vs USM or How I Almost Got a Date with a Louisiana Goddess

This past Saturday my wife and I along with my daughter and her two kids rode the fan bus to the USM vs LSU game in Baton Rouge.  Taking the bus and not having to drive in the traffic was a great decision!  The trip and the first half of the game were perfect, but because this is a family blog, I will withhold my thoughts on the second half of the game.  However, despite the second half disappointment, the trip was a success.  Not only did my grandson, who is a big LSU fan, get to see the campus and attend a game in Tiger Stadium, I had a whole day and night to pick on and aggravate my beautiful granddaughter.  Life does not get much better than that!

Our seats in the stadium were located just above cloud level.  My acrophobia, which usually kicks into high gear on the first rung of a ladder, never loosened its grip on me the entire game.  Fortunately, most people were too busy tending nosebleeds to notice my white knuckles gripping the seats.  Nevertheless, I thoroughly enjoyed being in Tiger Stadium.  Watching football from cloud level is like watching ants line up in formation and then scatter across the field, or was that the band?  It was really hard to tell from such a high perch.

For me, the most refreshing part of the game was the pregame music.  They actually played music people could get into and sing like “Louisiana Saturday Night” and Garth Brook’s “Baton Rouge.”  You didn’t hear bone shattering high pitched rap squealing through the stadium speakers like you do at USM football games.  There is a big difference in music designed to make you shake your booty and have a good time and music designed to make you twerk your booty and do the dirty.  I love USM home football games, but with the racket that constantly shakes The Rock, I swear sometimes I don’t know if I should be celebrating the Eagles taking the field or looking for a bomb shelter.

The music, the game atmosphere, and even the LSU fans were all fantastic!  It has been over thirty years since I last attended a game in Tiger Stadium, and I was a little apprehensive as to how we might be greeted by Tiger fans that have been known on occasion to get a little rowdy.  My concerns were addressed soon after we arrived in Baton Rouge.  Shortly after leaving the USM alumni tailgate party, my little group and I were walking toward the stadium when I decided to stray off course to drop my now hot cup of tea in the trash.  No sooner had I dropped the cup in the trash than I hear, “Hey bro, you need a cold one?”  I turned and there stood a guy in a purple and gold T-shirt holding a quart container of what I am sure by his demeanor was not lemonade or ice tea.

“No, I’m good,” I said, and started walking toward my wife, daughter, and grandkids who were gawking and pointing at their surroundings a short distance in front of me.

The guy stepped to my side and started walking with me.  “Hey, Mississippi,” he said.  I suddenly wished I wasn’t wearing a “Beat LSU” sticker on my shirt.  “You guys gonna beat them Tigers, yeah?” he asked.

Like a dumbass, I said, “That’s what we’re here for.”  He gave me a puzzled you dumbass hick look, so I quickly added, “but we’re going to spot you guys 50 points first.”  He seemed to like that, but at that moment he was distracted by two unbelievably beautiful college girls walking toward us.

By the way they were dressed they didn’t look to be too interested in football.  In their platform heels, they were at least six feet four inches tall.  They had to have been born into the dresses they wore; there was no other way they could have squeezed such tiny pieces of material over their long exotic frames.  My new friend grabbed my arm and pulled me to a stop.  “Holy mother of Jesus, do you see that?” he asked as if any human male was capable of missing such a sight.  “Bet Mississippi got nothing like that, huh bro,” he said, releasing my arm and taking a long drink of cool aide or whatever he had in the quart container.

“Not bad,” I admitted, “but Mississippi girls can compete with anybody.”

“Nah, no way!” he said stepping back and looking at me in disbelief.

“Yeah,” I said, “Mississippi girls are second to none.”

Now, I was only trying to defend the honor of the Mississippi ladies, but my new friend took my response as a challenge.  “Bro, you ever had a Louisiana woman?”

“No,” I said with a laugh and started walking.

“You like to?” he asked following me.

“Not today, I need to catch my group,” I said.

“Come on Bro, you in Louisiana,” he said.  “Let’s go get a couple cold ones and go talk to them girls.  Say, which you want.”

“I’m a bit old for those girls,” I said, wishing my wife and daughter would slow down so I could catch up.

“Naw, man,” he said, keeping stride with me.  “Age ain’t nothing.”

“Well, they’re too tall anyway,” I said.

“You really think so,” he said and took another long drink.

“Yeah, I do,” I said with a laugh.

“We make ‘em short too,” he said and stopped walking.

Why I stopped I don’t know.  “I have a short one,” I said, pointing to my wife up ahead.

“I see,” he said and extended his hand.  “You guys have a good time, and if you change your mind ‘bout a drink and them girls, come see.”

“Maybe, next time,” I said and shook his hand.

“Gotta go,” he said with a huge smile.  “I need a refill.”

After catching up with my wife, I told her about my new friend.  I am not sure she believed me, but she did keep me close to her side for the rest of the trip.  I admit that once or twice as we were plodding our way to the top of Tiger Stadium, I thought about turning around and going for a cold drink with one of the tall Louisiana Goddesses and my new friend.   However, I didn’t turn around because I was not ready to die at the hands of the Mississippi woman traveling with me.  I may be many things, but I am not a dumbass.

JL

©Jack Linton, October 17, 2016

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God didn’t Entrust Chickens with Brains

Another election has come and gone, and as usual there were few surprises. As I watched the results on television, I pondered if anything would change, or would there be more of the same disappointment that has come to be associated with elected leadership. I wondered if the newly elected people had the political savvy and commitment to make a difference both locally and in Washington, but what I truly hoped and prayed for was that at least a few of them had common sense. Common sense in the political arena is a commodity that sometimes falls in short supply, so anyone elected with a little sound unbiased judgment would be a welcomed addition to the political scene. Granddaddy Floyd and my friend, Dr. Earl Jubilee Wilson (Dr. Juby as he preferred to be called) were men of common sense. They believed politicians were likely decent people with honorable convictions who were plagued by questionable politics, and as a result, their convictions and political actions did not always align with one another. Both men agreed that when it came to elections, all anyone could do was pray, and even then it did little good to have high hopes.

When it came to politics, Granddaddy Floyd and Dr. Juby loved to share their opinions through observations they respectively called Rubber Monkeys and Precepts. Although Dr. Juby’s Precepts may have had a somewhat more scholarly footprint than Rubber Monkeys, the two were basically the same – observations or musings intended to provide insight or influence on a specific topic such as politics. Each man had an uncanny ability to sum up almost any topic in a few concise words that often gave a voice to what those around them were thinking or believed. Therefore, as I began writing this piece, I realized there was little I could add about elections or politics that they had not already said much more succinctly. For example, Granddaddy Floyd always said, “Instead of looking to politics for guidance and answers, we should be trusting in God and common sense for guidance and answers.” Dr. Juby echoed those sentiments when he said, “God didn’t entrust chickens with brains, and he didn’t waste common sense on politicians.” Not exactly rocket science, yet wise words spoken by men who loved God, family, and country.

The Political Rubber Monkeys and Precepts of Granddaddy Floyd and Dr. Juby

  1. The road to getting elected in the South is through the pulpit.      Granddaddy Floyd
  2. If the truth offends you, you may be a politician. Lack of familiarity often offends.     Dr. Juby
  3. The average six year old often displays more common sense than the majority of elected officials. Many politicians would rather poop in the sand box than share with the other party.    Granddaddy Floyd
  4. Politics are filled with personal and party agendas; the agenda of the people is at best always on the back burner.  Dr. Juby
  5. Politicians spend ten percent of their time doing what they were elected to do and ninety percent of their time trying to figure out who they need to please next to get reelected or to be in line for a lucrative appointment.   Granddaddy Floyd
  6. Seems lately the party (Democratic or Republican) is a hell of a lot more important than the issues, what is right or wrong, or how we can fix America.   Dr. Juby
  7. Political victory in the South often boils down to the candidate who best beats the bushes in the name of Jesus, the second amendment, cornbread, and wrestling.   Granddaddy Floyd
  8. When you refuse to listen to or work with a man because he is labeled a Democrat or Republican, there is something seriously wrong with the system.  Dr. Juby
  9. I have never understood how it is the epitome of patriotism for young men to give their lives to ensure American freedoms such as free speech, but it is unpatriotic to use that blood stained freedom to speak freely against the loss of young lives in the name of wars run by politicians, old men and corporations.  Granddaddy Floyd
  10. The first thing I’d do if I was president is turn off the lights in Washington and send everyone home until such time they can agree to put their selfish agendas aside and play productively together.  Dr. Juby
  11. The politics of the South are often conceived and Baptized between the pews, on the steps, and in the parking lot of the church house.  Granddaddy Floyd
  12. When party platforms become sacred cows above compromise and the best interests of the people, the party system has outlived its usefulness to the people and should be abolished.   Dr. Juby

Truly these are the observations of wise men. Whether or not you agree with Granddaddy Floyd and Dr. Juby, their words ring with truth. Like the great American patriot, Patrick Henry, they were suspicious of politicians, especially those who ignored or compromised the rights and liberties of common men. Patriots such as Henry, envisioned elections as a protection and means to purge the political system from the hypocrisy of those elected officials who failed to embrace the common good of the people. Unfortunately, today’s elections rarely provide such protection. Today’s elections are more in tune with decaying party politics than the common good of the people. As a result instead of regularly purging our political system as the founders of this nation intended, votes are more likely to be cast for the party than for the common good of all people. Consequently, little ever changes from election to election, and parties grow stronger and stronger while moving further and further away from the people.

JL

©Jack Linton, November 9, 2014