Tag Archives: poo

Five New Pet Products Every Pet Owner must Have

Recently I was introduced to Lickibrush, a rubber brush shaped like a large tongue that is used by cat owners to bond with their pet.  Picture this – the cat owner grips the Lickibrush in his teeth and combs it through the cat’s fur with long grooming licking strokes.  Most cats do this for themselves, but somewhere along the way some smart and crafty cat decided it would be easier to train their human to lick for them.  As a result, the enterprising cat marketed Lickibrush as a tool for humans to bond with Frisky (or whatever their cat’s name might be).  Think about it; who is smarter – the cat getting a massage and groom without lifting a paw, or the silly human with a rubber tongue protruding from his face?

I like cats, and over the years, I bonded with several, but not once did it occur to me to strengthen that bond by licking them.  Whether it is a cat or a human, there are consequences for cat licking.  HAIRBALLS!  A cat choking, gagging, and throwing up hairballs is a disgusting sight to behold and even worse to clean up.  So, why in the name of all that is sane, would a cat owner want to engage in a process that will ultimately lead to convulsive heaving and expulsion of nasty human size hairballs?  Who wants to clean up that mess?  Bonding with my cat or any animal is just not that important to me!

I hope animal loving fanatics will forgive me, but I must politely and emphatically say, “NO!” to Lickibrush.  The product simply does not make sense.  However, I have several products I am preparing to market that not only make sense but are practical and beneficial in the world of animal lovers.  Like Lickibrush, these products may appear to be a bit peculiar, but I can assure you unlike Lickibrush each one makes perfect sense and lends itself to practical application in the world of pet mania.

Five New Pet Products Every Pet Owner has to Have

PooShootSniffer

This device is the ultimate gadget for getting into you dog’s head.  Dog owners wear the rubber dog snout with a soft pliable wet nose (simply moisten with water before each use) over their nose.  When wearing the PooShootSniffer, dog owners can bond with Rover in ways never imaginable.  The instructions are extremely simple – while wearing PooShootSniffer, the owner drops to his hands and knees behind their pet and sniffs.  That is all there is to it!  By sniffing Rover’s butt, the owner says “I care,” “I am here for you,” and “You are special.”   PooShootSniffer is the perfect remedy for dogs that are depressed or lonely.  WARNING:  If your dog growls when you are using PooShootSniffer, back off!  Rover is letting you know that he is uncomfortable, and you are violating his personal space.

Babelshit

This device is designed expressly for pet owners with talking parrots.  However, it could just as easily be used with children to prepare them for watching movies, riding the school bus, or hanging out at the mall.  Babelshit is an electronic device that is mounted on the side of Polly’s cage.  When switched on, it produces profanity in up to 64 languages.  It audibly feeds Polly a steady stream of intoxicating four letter words.  With Babelshit, your pet parrot as well as your kids can learn to curse like all the cool folks do these days.  Now, how cool and classy is that?

Crapsteppers

Have you ever been away from home on business or a vacation and missed your pets?  That can be a real bummer, and make the trip almost unbearable.  However, Crapsteppers can help remedy that lonely displaced feeling.  Crapsteppers are rubber shoe soles that smell like dog crap.  Although it is sometimes impossible to bring your dog with you when out of town, with Crapsteppers, you can always bring the pungent smell of dog crap with you regardless of how far from home you travel.  Simply slip Crapsteppers rubber soles on your shoes, and instantly it smells as though you have been wallowing in dog poo.  The scented rubber soles can be worn on any shoe – casual or formal.  Imagine yourself sitting in your next boring business meeting wearing a pair of Crapsteppers.  While those around you are gagging, you can relax and almost feel Rover between your toes.

For those dog owners with limited room to pack, Crapsteppers also comes in a convenient travel size spray as well as sensible towelette packets.  The great news is the rubber slip ons, the travel spray, and towelettes come in three nose titillating fragrances:  Outdoorsy – a classic mixture of doggy poo and fresh cut grass; OopsyFresh – the warm fragrance of fresh doggy poo in an enclosed area (such as a living room or kitchen) mixed with elegant touches of morning bacon and coffee; and LingeringHeaven – the faint yet distinctive fragrance of well cured and forgotten or lost doggy poo.

Can’t bring your best friend with you? Take along Crapsteppers!  With Crapsteppers, you will never escape the lingering overpowering spice of dog poo that pet owners know and love so well.

DoggySee/DoggyRun

This unique device is for the pet owner who is too busy or too lazy to take his dog for a walk, or the pet owner lives in an apartment with no space for Rover to run and play.  The 3D device straps around Rover’s head over his eyes, so he can have the sensation of going on long walks or running free in vast open fields of daises (watch where you step!).  It is also ideal for overweight couch potato dogs.   The truly smart dog owner will buy two DoggySEE/DoggyRUN devices, so he can share long leisurely walks in the park and runs through mountain meadows with Rover.  For the thoughtful dog owner, DoggySEE/DoggyRUN is all about taking an active interest in the life of your pet.

HumanDoggyDoor

The HumanDoggyDoor comes directly from the why didn’t I think about this department!  This ingenious structure is attached to and around a doggy door.  It expands the opening so humans can also enter and leave the house or apartment at will.  It comes complete with frame, door panels, and hardware to attach to Rover’s door, and it has doorknobs the human can be trained to turn to enter or leave the house or apartment.  The structure also comes with locks as part of the doorknob assembly, so Rover can lock his owner in or out of the house/apartment at his discretion.

 

There is nothing fancy about any of these products.  They are products that are long overdue on the pet market.  Therefore, the next time you are in the car, house, or movie theater and smell dog poo, don’t ask who stepped in the poo, look for someone wearing rubber Crapsteppers instead.

JL

©Jack Linton, May 2, 2017

Seven Apps that Will Improve Your Life!

There seems to be an app for everything these days. There are game apps, apps to waste your time, utility apps to pay your bills, movie and television apps to keep you entertained, and apps that can provide the latest weather forecast or give you directions to the new supermarket that just opened. I have heard there are somewhere in the neighborhood of 1.5 million apps available for app enthusiasts. That is absolutely mind boggling. How can that many apps possibly be needed much less used? t believe it is humanly impossible to turn on that many apps in a lifetime much less actually use them, but I know some friends and relatives who are doing their best to prove me wrong.

Of course, apps are not all bad. There are some that are very practical and useful. When used wisely and properly, apps can actually enhance our life experience. However, the key is practicality. Do we really need all the apps that are floating around in cyberspace? No, what we really need is more practical apps and less gamey, cutesy, waste-of-time applications that serve little purpose other than to separate us from our money. For example, I have been waiting and waiting and waiting, but I have yet to see an app that addresses or provides a solution for such issues as the looming death of interactive human conversation caused by the human nose attached 24/7 to a cell phone screen, texting while driving or the lack of cleanliness of fast food restaurant and gas/convenience store restrooms. I honestly believe practical apps that address such issues would be welcomed by everyone. People have suffered too long without help with such perplexing problems, so if I was an app programmer or if I knew someone who was, the first thing I would create or ask to be created would be the following seven apps:

  1. Talk to Me:

Problem: Everywhere you look people have their eyes glued to the screen of their iPhone, android or tablet. Even when visiting friends or family there is always someone with their device in hand browsing the web, texting, twitting or playing games. Since everyone has their eyes glued to the electronic device in their hands, family gatherings, parties and social visits have deteriorated into awkward silence. The art of social and family conversation is dying in our society. What can we do?

Solution: The Talk to Me app is the answer! Talk to Me is an app that will rejuvenate interest in person to person conversations and save parties, family visits, and other social gatherings from the abyss of electronic rudeness and silence.

How It Works: There is nothing for the user to do. Talk to Me is a standalone app that would come on all iPhone, androids, and tablets. It automatically activates when a second party voice is detected in the room. When activated, the device screen flashes a warning telling the user the device screen will go black in thirty seconds. Once the screen shuts down, the screen will remain black for at least thirty minutes of no use or lack of live conversation in the room. In other words, the device screen will not light up when other people are present and engaged in conversation. The theory is that without the distraction of electronic devices people will engage in conversations rather than engaging their thumbs.

  1. Poo Detector:

Problem: (1) You are traveling on vacation, and you stop at a gas station or fast food restaurant to go to the restroom. When you enter the restroom, you are overwhelmed by the disgusting smell of excrement. Why wasn’t there a toxic environment sign posted on the door? (2) The family has just piled into the car for a trip to the movies, but by the smell, someone must have stepped in dog poo. Who? (3) There is an awful odor in the house. You have cleaned the cat’s litter box and checked behind the sofa for any surprises Rover may have left, but you cannot find anything. Company will be arriving shortly, so what do you do?

Solution: The Poo Detector app is the answer! Poo Detector is an app that pinpoints disgusting odors as well as alerts the user to toxic stench that should be avoided.

How It Works: Use Poo Detector to . . . . (1) Open the gas station or convenience store restroom door far enough to extend the app into the restroom. If the restroom smells disgusting, an alarm will sound and a voice will warn, “TOXIC! TOXIC! DO NOT ENTER! WARNING DO NOT ENTER! TOXIC AREA! If the restroom is safe to enter, the app will play, “Welcome to My World;” (2) Who stepped in the poo? Wave Poo Detector over each person in the car. Poo Detector will announce, “CARGO CONTAMINATED! PLEASE REMOVE!” when the guilty party is located [Works not only with poo, but there is a body odor setting as well]. (3) To find where that disgusting odor in your house is originating, turn Poo Detector on and simply walk around the room and watch the odor meter. The meter will read from COLD to WARM to HOT to YOU FOUND IT the closer you get to the source of the poo odor.

  1. Out of Context:

Problem: Facebook participants are always looking for good quotes that illustrate their personal, religious, and political views. However, it is not always easy to find quotes that meet their needs, so what can they do?

Solution: The Out of Context app is the answer! This app is a quote generator for use with Facebook. Since there is often little regard for the contextual meaning of quotes used on Facebook, Out of Context is the perfect app for the mindless Facebook user. It simply generates meaningless random quotes based on the user’s category choice.

How It Works: You are logged into Facebook, and you decide you want to share your political or religious philosophy and opinions with your Facebook friends. That is easy enough to do, but you also want to use a quote that will make you look like you know what you are talking about. That is when you pull out the Out of Context app, choose either the politics or religion category (There are 15 other categories to choose from as well.) and push the generate button. The perfect quote appears on your screen. Being random, the quote may not be in the context you intended, but you are on Facebook, so the odds of anyone noticing are slim and none. Enjoy your notoriety!

  1. Text Detector:

Problem: Texting and driving continues to be a major problem, especially among teenagers and the 20 to 35 crowd. What can you do to make sure your loved one does not text and drive?

Solution: The Text Detector app is the answer! This app is designed to incapacitate the vehicle in which the texting is taking place.

How It Works: There is nothing for the user to do. Like Talk to Me, Text Detector would be designed as a standalone app that comes installed on all iPhones, androids and tablets. It automatically activates when a driver of a vehicle uses one of these devices to text while driving. The app is activated the moment the car engine is started. If the driver of the vehicle tries to text while the vehicle is moving, the screen of the device will flash a warning, and an electronic signal will be sent immediately to the vehicle’s onboard computer to shut down. When the vehicle shuts down, it will maintain power long enough for it to be maneuvered safely off the main road. The vehicle will not restart until after a thirty minute delay, which gives the companion app, Text Now and Pay Later, time to do its job.

  1. Text Now and Pay Later: [Works in conjunction with Text Detector]

Problem: This app answers the question, “What can I do to get texting drivers off the road?”

Solution: Text Now and Pay Later is an app designed to notify authorities when the driver of a vehicle texts while driving.

How It Works: There is nothing for the user to do. Like Talk to Me and Text Detector, Text Now and Pay Later is a standalone app that comes installed on all iPhones, androids and tablets. It is designed to work with Text Detector. It automatically activates when a driver of a vehicle starts texting in a moving vehicle. When activated, the device sends vehicle registration information to law enforcement agencies. The registration information is then processed and a traffic violation fine is issued electronically to the owner of the vehicle. As the application title says, you can Text Now and Pay Later.

  1. Movie Zapper:

Problem: Inconsiderate people using cell phones to text and check email in movie theaters during the movie. What can be done about this rude, disrespectful, distracting and annoying problem?

Solution: Movie Zapper is the answer! The app is designed to inconspicuously Zapp annoying phone users in movie theaters [Note: the app Zapps the device not the user].

How It Works: You have paid over sixty dollars for tickets, popcorn and drinks to take your wife and two kids to the movie. You are enjoying the movie, when the screen light of a phone flashes on a couple of rows in front of you. You can’t believe how crude and rude some people are, but you don’t sweat it since you activated Movie Zapper on your phone prior to the start of the movie. When a cell phone screen lights up anywhere in the theater, Movie Zapper sends an electronic signal to the offending device and its screen immediately goes black. The only down side is the muffled obscenities of the foiled user as he/she stuffs the device angrily back into their pocket or purse. There are few things sweeter than knowing you just Zapped some jerk using a cell phone in a movie theater. Movie Zapper is the best friend a movie goer can have! It works in the background on your electronic device as a light sensor. It screens the theater for electronic devices with lighted screens. When a device screen anywhere in the theater lights up and some inconsiderate slob begins texting or checking email during the movie, Movie Zapper plunges their device into blackness.   Another caveat is that the person you Zapped will never know who Zapped him unless you are unable to keep a straight face. Another great use for Movie Zapper is that it can also be used during business meetings or social gatherings where you want people to pay attention to people rather than the electronic device in their hands.

  1. Readlock:

Problem: Children and teens would rather play on their iPhone, android or tablet than read. What can parents do to promote reading?

Solution: The answer is Readlock! The app would deny access to all device functions until the user unlocks it by reading for a designated time period into the device’s built in microphone, to the parent or in silent mode for a designated period of time. The designated reading time is set by the parents.

How It Works: Readlock is parent activated. When parents activate Readlock on their child’s electronic device, the child cannot gain access to the device until the child reads to the device for a certain amount of time. The reading time required to unlock the device is set by the parents at intervals of 20 minutes, 30 minutes, 45 minutes, and one hour. To gain access to the device, the child must read into the device’s built in microphone for the number of minutes set by the parents. What the child reads is up to the child – books, poems, magazines, etc. Once the required reading time is met, the device will allow access to all its functions. The app uses voice recognition, so there is little chance anyone except the child or the child’s parents can unlock the device. The voice recognition feature will also effectively prevent the child from trying to circumvent the process by laying the device in front of a television or radio. If parents want their children to read more, Readlock is the answer. It is a simple premise – No read, No device! Of course, parents could always take old fashion measures and take electronic devices away from their children until they read, do their homework, do their chores or join in a family conversation, but for too many parents that would require an additional app called Parentballs that is still under development and not yet ready for mainstream America.

These seven practical apps would definitely make a positive difference in our lives.  I believe the market is wide open for such practical applications of technology.  I, for one, would be first in line to purchase each and every one of these apps. Now, if I could find a BS Detector app for politicians; oh, I’m sorry, there is one – when they open their mouths.

JL

©Jack Linton, August 23, 2015