Tag Archives: stupid

Such are the Stupid Things We Do

I don’t know what it is about our society, but it seems somebody somewhere is always doing something stupid.   Whether it is by design, by chance, or out of our penchant for convenience, there is never a shortage of the ridiculous.   Some of it we create and some of it is created for us, but either way as Forrest Gump said, “Stupid is as stupid does.”  That is even truer today.  Maybe, it is because, in today’s world, we have more opportunities to face stupidity, or maybe, we are just smarter today and can better identify stupid when we see it.

One of the stupidest things I have seen lately was a isign in a local PETCO store. First, I must explain, I am an animal lover (for the most part), but I have this unique ability to recognize animals are not human. Yes, I am one of those rare throwbacks who believe people are people and animals are animals. I am one of those horrible people who thinks there is nothing wrong with giving a dog or cat a biscuit or bone from the table. My wife and I make sure our pets are up to date on necessary shots and go to the vet when they are truly ill, but I do not buy into bi-annual doggy dental cleanings, doggy colonoscopies, or doggy birthing rooms, and the same goes for cats, hamsters, rabbits and pigs. For heaven’s sake, five minutes after a dog gets his teeth cleaned it is sniffing and licking anything nasty that comes within sniffing distance of its nose and tongue.  Therefore, are doggy dental cleanings really worth the effort?  Probably not, yet, such are the stupid things we do!

I have yet to see the value in flossing for my dog, but my wife insists dogs should have good manners, so we took our six month old, sweet as sin, hell on four legs, lab mix to PETCO for obedience training. While waiting for the instructor, I noticed a sign outlining guidelines for pet adoptions. I could not believe what I read! In addition to screening individuals for pet compatibility, anyone wishing to adopt a pet was subject to a polygraph and required to release their tax records for the past seven years to prove they were financially stable and could  provide a good home for the adopted pet. The adopting family had to agree to a criminal and psychiatric background check as well as an on-site home inspection and evaluation.  It was also recommended the new pet be provided private space with a written schedule for when human/pet interaction was permissible.  In a side note, there was a recommendation, though not required, the private space be a separate room with its own pooh facilities. I told my wife the guidelines went way too far, but she calmly assured me the guidelines were intended to match the pet with caring adults.  She said the requirements and suggestions were not a personal conspiracy against me or others like me.  I was not sure how to take “others like me,” but I accepted her explanation. Besides, it was obvious the whole thing was written by a liberal. I could even accept that, but when I read the last guideline that said pet counseling may be required, I fell to the floor laughing.

Pet counseling! I could see Simon, our lab mix, reclining on a shrink’s sofa, one paw lying across his eyes, the other holding a cigarette from which he took an occasional long draw. A female shrink sat across from him, legs crossed, an old time yellow legal pad and pencil in hand, asking questions. “Tell me about your parents,” she said.

Simon took a long draw on the cigarette and thought for a moment. “I only knew my mama for a few short weeks,” he said. “I didn’t know my daddy at all.”

How do you feel about that?” she asked.

Haven’t really given it much thought,” Simon said.

You ever feel depressed because of it?” the shrink asked.

Nothing that a little licking can’t cheer up,” Simon replied.

“Have you ever thought licking might be a sign of a deeper issue?” the female shrink asked.

No mam, when it comes to licking, I like it, so I do it.” Simon said and ground the cigarette into a cat shaped ashtray.  “If it feels good, I pretty much do it without much thought.” 

I believe Simon has life figured out better than any of us.  If it itches, scratch it; if it smells, sniff it; if it feels good, lick it, but whatever you do, don’t over think it.  I am most likely over thinking this pet counseling business, but in my opinion, pet counseling is one of the coolest stupid things people do. It is up there with paying a professional pooper scooper to clean your backyard. It’s true, some folks pay to have someone come to their house once a week and pick up dog and cat pooh.  In fact, pooper scoopers have their own organization, the Association of Professional Animal Waste Specialists.   It’s true – look it up!  Can you think of anything stupider?  I am not talking about the guy who makes money picking up pet pooh; I admire him for his ingenuity. I am talking about the nitwits who pay him, but such are the stupid things we do!


©ack Linton, February 28, 2017


Weird Thoughts and Strippers

Have you ever wondered how or why Virgin American Airlines screen for virgins or where manufacturers of Virgin Olive Oil find virgins named Olive and what part of Olive they squeeze to get virgin oil? Such thoughts may seem abnormal, but believe it or not, they are very normal. Sometimes strikingly odd or bizarre thoughts that range from tame to inflammatory take shape in our heads. It is as if a couple of poorly wired electrodes, conductors, or cathodes misfire in the brain, and rationality is cast to the wind. BAM! It’s weird thought time, and little can be done about it! But, such thoughts happen, and people should not worry about them. As long as you don’t go out of your way to book your teenage daughter’s next flight on Virgin Airlines to gain access to their screening process or search the aisles of your local grocery for “used olive oil,” there is little reason to fear you have entered the world of looney-tunes, lunatics or the psychotic. The world of weird thoughts is a mysterious place everyone visits occasionally.

Weird thoughts have their origins in our perceptions and observations of our surroundings, and though they can be off the wall, they can also embody cloaked truths hidden deep within the subconscious. Sometimes they are observations of reality as seen out the mind’s backdoor with a wink from behind the curtains – realities we may be reluctant to admit exist. One notch above flatlining, these baubles of sanity are often the only link to reality in an otherwise politically correct brain dead society. They are the brain’s attempt to make sense of a convoluted and nonsensical world. Much like indulging in too much red-beans and rice, too many bean burritos, watching Fox News, or sitting through the Democratic and Republican debates, weird thoughts work as laxatives for the mind.

Personally, I believe weird thoughts are healthy. Such thoughts mean the brain is working. In a world of brain dead impulsiveness, anything that stimulates and cultivates common sense and independent thinking, even if it is a weird thought, should be embraced and cultivated. If inadvertent thoughts of Uncle Cecil cross dressing get the brain juices flowing, it doesn’t mean a person is crazy; it means there has been a thought transaction. In todays over connected yet impersonal society of texting, gaming, apps, Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, any form of thinking should be celebrated. For many people, weird thoughts may be the only exercise their brain gets.

Like politicians who have been found to be theoretically honest, weird thoughts have been found to be marginally insightful and enlightening. However, unlike political integrity, weird thoughts carry the power to be reflectively honest without the restrictions often placed on the truth by society and the political system. Consequently, such reflective thoughts can lead to a deeper appreciation or understanding of the world. In today’s world of entitlement and “me-ness,” that is huge! If weird thoughts can help us better appreciate and understand our world, it would serve us well to pay closer attention to the bizarre but sometimes intuitive thoughts dancing around inside our heads. In a world where thought, especially creative or independent thinking, is a shunned chore, it doesn’t hurt to give audience to such flatulent ideas. The only negative consequence is maybe a headache or a clueless blank stare from those poor souls disengaged from the living by an electronic device stuck in their ears and glued to their noses.  On the positive side, by paying attention, you just might connect to a kindred soul just as weird as you – someone who will happily share in your innermost bizarreness. With a little luck, you might find that unique special someone who will appreciate and understand your enthusiasm for the truth behind such universal observations as . . .

  1. If you believe in evolution, why are there still monkeys?
  2. Why does homophobia often come across as self-denial and jealously?
  3. Zombies are brain eaters, so they attack the head, but some of the shorter ones have been known to attack below the belt, so should people be required by law to wear helmets and a good sports cup when around zombies?
  4. Is “butt cleavage” a fashion statement, wardrobe malfunction, or a professional calling card?
  5. If teachers were perfect, would politicians be out of a job?
  6. If you get laser eye surgery, can you be arrested for looking at airplanes flying above you?
  7. When a person dies, do they bury that person with clean underwear?
  8. If a person takes their nose ring out and sneezes, is that called a snot geyser, and would that be grounds for consideration as a National Park?
  9. If a man goes missing, do they put his picture on beer cans?
  10. If a woman goes missing, do they put her before or after picture on yogurt?

These questions should be savored as part of the human experience. They are rhetorical, current in their relevance, and steeped in a truth so agonizingly real that we dare not store them anywhere but in our heads. These are the questions of a healthy non-manipulated mind. These are weird thoughts that proclaim the proprietor is just crazy enough to be human. So, the next time you have a weird thought, savor the moment! Weird thoughts are proof you are human and have not yet flatlined.

I wonder, does the hemisphere where a stripper lives impact the direction she spins on her pole?


©Jack Linton, PhD January 2, 2016