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Christians, You have been Warned!

Recently, I read an article that caused me to sit up and take notice.  The article, “Adult Coloring Books and Mandalas, A Warning for Christians,” opened my eyes to a sinister plot designed to mislead and warp unassuming Christian minds.  In the article, the author warns that coloring an intricate circle pattern, called a mandala, found in most adult coloring books is a dangerous practice that may lead to submersion with demonic “deities.”  I was astounded!  Although I have long been troubled by thinly veiled threats to the Christian community, I had no idea a coloring book could be so heinous and deceitful.  Unfortunately, coloring books are not the only seemingly innocent everyday item used for the work of the devil.  I know of a far greater threat to Christians than mandalas.  If left unaddressed, this item could threaten the very existence of Christianity – especially in America!

This item – found in every Christian home across America – is actually a sophisticated version of an item people have used for countless centuries.  The media inundates us daily with commercials telling us to buy this brand of the item or that brand.  Yes, it comes in brands!  The devil has cleverly created a brand for every taste!  Shamelessly sitting on shelves in Walmart, Corner Market, Target and just about every other grocery or convenience store in America, it also sits in plain view in Christian homes.  It is a necessity in our lives.  The item is toilet paper!

I do not have a problem with toilet paper itself, but as a Christian, I do have a problem with the shape of the individual tissues on the roll – square.  It bothers me greatly, that until now, no one, including me, has warned Christians to stay away from toilet tissue squares.  When I say toilet tissue squares are not to be taken lightly, I realize most people will think I am crazy.  However, inattention to this threat could very well jeopardize a Christian’s entry into heaven.

The square has long been associated with religion – Christian and pagan.  In both, the square invites a feeling of immutability – God (gods for pagans) is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.  This duality of conceptual thinking constitutes a contradiction of balance in the universe for Christians, and places them in a perpetual struggle with all they do not understand.  Multiply this paradox by 165 two ply squares per toilet tissue roll and it is easy to see the gravity of the situation for Christians, especially when they tend to stockpile the rolls in their homes.  Do the math!  Bringing home one twelve pack of toilet paper (the cheap stuff) from Walmart is equivalent to infesting a Christian home with 3960 symbolic pagan squares.  Without knowing it, Christians are turning their homes over to the pagans.

You may say I am overreacting, but am I?  No one can deny the place of the square in pagan beliefs.  Early non-Christians looked at the square as a symbol of the four elements – fire, water, air, and earth.  At Stonehenge, Druids referred to the square within the circle as the Truth of Sacred Geometry.  In Islam, the square is a symbol of the four sides of the heart – Angelic, Diabolic, Human, and Divine.  For the Hindu, the square represents the natural order of the universe, and the square symbolizes an objective awareness in Buddhism.  Sounds harmless enough, but do Christians really want such a pagan symbol in their homes?  Is it in the best interest of the children in the home to keep such a paradox to their Christian faith next to the second most used seat in the house?  Of course not, so why do Christians allow toilet paper squares, an undisputable mockery of what they believe, into their homes?

However, some argue the square is a Christian religious and spiritual symbol as well; therefore, we must not be too quick to denounce it.  I agree to a certain extent.  In Christian symbolism, the square represents spiritual concepts related to the number four, such as the four corners of the earth and the Four Evangelists – Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John.  The square is also frequently used in Christian art as a halo to signify a saintly person.  Although, this lends credibility to the square from a Christian perspective, it nevertheless, creates a paradox of its own, and this is where I rest my case.  SHOULD CHRISTIANS be wiping their hiny with squares that carry significance for their religion?  I think not!

So, my question is do Christians really want to use toilet paper squares to wipe and risk going to hell, or should they stand against toilet paper on behalf of Christianity and boycott it?  People did just fine without the stuff for thousands of years prior to its invention in 1857; corncobs and paper catalogues were good enough for our ancestors, so why aren’t they good enough for us?  Also, is toilet paper really about wiping in comfort, or is it pagan evangelism subtly calling to Christians?  As for me, I will continue to wipe, but when I do, I will grab a newspaper or catalog.  It may not be “squeezably soft” or as fluffy as a blue bear, but at least I’ll be true to what I believe.  However, in the end (oops, a little pun), I am sure most people, including Christians, will continue to use toilet paper, but if they do, at least I have done my part and given them fair warning.

Go, and wipe in peace.


©Jack Linton, August 28, 2016