Sheltering in Place is Wearing Me Out

I don’t know about you, but my daily schedule during this shelter-in-place is about to wear me out , , , ,

8:00 – 9:00 am – Breakfast and read the paper

9:00 – 12:00 noon – Activities and snacks

I go outside
Come back in
Pick up a fork
Shovel it in

I go outside
Come back in
Pick up a fork
Shovel it in

I go outside
come back in
Pick up a fork
Shovel it in

I go outside
Come back in
Pick up a fork
Shovel it in

12:00 – 12:30 pm – Lunch

12:30 – 2:00 pm – Activities and snacks

I go outside
Come back in
Pick up a fork
Shovel it in

I go outside
Come back in
Pick up a fork
Shovel it in

I go outside
come back in
Pick up a fork
Shovel it in

I go outside
Come back in
Pick up a fork
Shovel it in

2:00 – 2:30 pm – Cup of hot tea (picked this up in Ireland)

2:30 – 4:00 pm – Activities and snacks

I go outside
Come back in
Pick up a fork
Shovel it in

I go outside
Come back in
Pick up a fork
Shovel it in

I go outside
come back in
Pick up a fork
Shovel it in

I go outside
Come back in
Pick up a fork
Shovel it in

4:00 – 5:00 pm – Nap time (sometimes earlier & more often)

5:00 – 6:00 pm – Watch evening news

6:00 – 7:00 pm – Dinner

7:00 – 12:00 am – Television and snacks

I flip the channel
Flip it back
Pick up a Twinkie
Shovel it in

I flip the channel
Flip it back
Pop some popcorn
Shovel it in

I flip the channel
Flip it back
Open a bag of chips
Shovel it in

12:00 – 1:00 am – Lock the house and prepare for bed

I turn the latch
Check it again
Milk and Cookies
Shovel it in

Man, am I ever more exhausted – GOOD NIGHT ALL!

JL

Jack Linton

April 20, 2020

Take a Deep Breath: Even if the COVID-19 Virus Hangs Around for awhile, Kids Will be Okay this School Year

I have watched with interest over the past few weeks as schools struggled to deal with the COVID-19 virus in a professional and logical manner. I believe their efforts to address the situation through technology and working diligently to maintain contact with parents has been admirable. The information I have seen shows a well-intended effort to replicate the school day in the home, and that effort should be applauded. Nevertheless, as a former teacher and school administrator, I know, with the rare exception, how difficult duplicating the school day at home will be, especially at the high-level school administrators, teachers, and parents would like to see. That does not mean parents and teachers should not try or should give up.  Absolutely not!  Kids need academic direction during their isolation from school; however, in the case of school replication at home, it would be wise to ask are we trying to do too much?

 

For example, trying to duplicate at home what happens during the school day is a fail waiting to happen as parents, students, and teachers grow frustrated trying to achieve the almost impossible.   Not only does trying to replicate the school day cause frustration for everyone concerned, it is likely to turn into busy work to fill time rather than provide meaningful work, and that does not benefit anyone, especially the students. Again, I am not saying don’t give kids assignments while at home, but I question the value of assigning as much as six hours of schoolwork each day to them.  Realistically, such assignments should be toned down to no more than three maybe four hours a day at most.  Shorter assignments would keep students working on schoolwork during morning hours and provide an incentive for free time during the afternoon hours.  Besides, it is not the amount of time spent on assignments that matters, but rather, it is the quality of the assignment and feedback on the assignment that has the most impact on learning. One suggestion for parents and teachers who want to truly impact academics while students are isolated at home is to consider putting a book in their their hands rather doing busy work on online assignments and handouts.  Research, indicates reading followed closely by writing is the most academically impacting activity in which a student can be involved.  Another benefit of a book is parents could model reading for their children.  Wow!  How innovative might that be!

 

This next part, may rattle the bones and nerves of some teachers and administrators, but when it comes to academics, if the virus had to choose a part of the school year with the least impact on academics, the fourth nine weeks was certainly the best time to choose.  Let’s face the facts, the fourth nine weeks begins after spring break in mid-March, and any new academic material is presented during the first three weeks of the quarter, and even then, it is squeezed between students missing academic time for spring sports and other school related programs.  By mid-April, if not sooner, presentation of new academic material falls to the wayside as focus turns to district championships, district benchmark testing and prepping for state tests, and then May crawls into the picture. The month of May is pretty much an academic washout with state testing, reviews, final exams, award programs, and end of year celebrations.  So, it is easy to see students miss little academically during the fourth nine weeks of the school year.  That is simply the nature of the beast!  If the virus had hit during the first, second, or third nine weeks, it would have been an entirely different story.  Working kids eight hours a day at home to make up for what they would have missed in school during those quarters would not have been enough.  Fortunately, that did not happen.  Thanks to the luck of good timing, academically speaking schools are not, at least should not be, in dire straits.

 

Therefore, I encourage teachers to give assignments in moderation and parents to continue to work with students on the assignments as best they can.  But, to really help students get the most of their time at home, the best thing would be to get them out of their rooms away from PlayStation and sit them down in the living room, kitchen, or on the back porch where they can easily be monitored as they READ a book!  They will learn more by reading than from all the ungraded online assignments and handouts combined.  Kids who read are successful throughout their schooling.

 

Finally, other than hating this has happened to the seniors, and spring events such as sports, show choir, band, debate, and prom have been canceled, everyone needs to take a deep breath and understand our children and grandchildren will be fine academically even if school does not reconvene for the remainder of this school year. It is rare for anyone to fail the fourth nine weeks, and this year will be no different for those students who have done what they were supposed to do academically.  Therefore, read a book and enjoy this rare opportunity to be with your kids for an extended period of time.

 

Remember, there are always blessings if you look for them even in a time crisis.

 

©Jack Linton, April 9, 2020

JL

Alternatives to Toilet Paper

This no toilet paper situation is getting old. I went to the store for a few essentials and once again no ground beef or toilet paper. There was plenty of fresh produce, so I can do without the meat, but toilet paper is a different crisis all together. What is the deal with toilet paper? Did people not wipe their butts prior to the COVID-19 virus crisis? Every time there is an announcement connected to the virus, people go toilet paper crazy and strip the store shelves bare! As a result, I have had to take some drastic actions.

As a precaution, I have come up with several toilet paper alternatives I may need to resort to in the near future if the shortage continues. These alternatives will work, at least to some degree, but if anyone follows my lead, I caution them selection and usage may vary from person to person and the end results are the sole responsibility of the reader/user.  Of course, this is not an exclusive list, so feel free to add to it if you have alternatives of your own:

Ten Toilet Paper Alternatives:

1. Toilet Tissue – Since finding toilet paper in stores is so rare these days, I included it as alternative wipe. Toilet paper is hard to come by since everyone thinks they have to have a roll in each hand whenever they go to pot as well as a five-year supply in storage;

 

1. Duct Tape – It will stick to anything, so don’t think it won’t stick and pull poo off a dirty rear. However, do not let it set too long, or it could remove large amounts of real estate from your nether region;

 

1. A Sock – Remember all those single socks that come out of the wash with no match. Do I need say more? Those single socks without a mate are the perfect toilet paper substitute! Wear it like a glove and wipe away in comfort;

 

1. Corn Cobs – The Mayans, Aztecs, and Colonial Americans used them to clean their plumbing, so there is no reason why we can’t do the same. Crawfish are plentiful this time of year, and corn on the cob is a common ingredient in a crawfish boil, so start saving those corn cobs. However, if you plan to use corn cobs from your crawfish boil, I would strongly suggest go light on the cayenne pepper in the boil;

 

1. Seashells – Remember all those seashells the kids collected every summer at the beach. There is not a kid’s room, attic, or storage shed that doesn’t have a box or two of seashells sitting on a shelf taking up space. Without toilet paper, seashells are a perfectly designed alternative – just scrape and scoop;

 

1. Magazines – The Sears & Roebuck catalog is a thing of the past, but there are still plenty of newspapers and magazines such as Southern Living, The New Yorker, and Home and Garden stacked next to the bed and/or recliner in most homes. If you have finished looking at the pictures – no one reads anymore – why not put them to good service?

 

1. Fruit Skins – The skins of oranges and grapefruits make a great substitute toilet paper. Fruit skins also leave the booty with the delicate scent of fruit after each use;

 

1. Sponge on a Stick – Warning! Not to be confused with chicken on a stick! The Romans used a sponge on a stick soaked in salt water to wipe their hiney. In fact, they shared the same community sponge, but if you choose this option, please keep it only in the family;

 

1. Cell Phone Covers – A modern twist on using seashells to wipe dirty bottoms is the use of cell phone covers to scrape and scoop. The technique is the same, and since no one ever goes to the bathroom without their cell phone, there is little danger you will ever find yourself without a pooper scooper; and

 

1. The Hand – I highly recommended avoiding the use of your hand for wiping unless it is an absolute last resort emergency. I know early Europeans used this technique, but they also went months without bathing. Of course, hands can be washed, but it is extremely difficult to clean under the fingernails after a hardy wipe

These alternatives will not resolve the toilet paper dilemma, but they might save the day if in a bind. The choice how you wipe and with what is yours, but please, the next time you are in Walmart, The Dollar Store, or your local grocery, and you happen to find toilet paper on the shelf, ask yourself one question, “Do I really need to buy another pack of toilet paper to go along with the 165 packs I have stored in the house and storage shed?” If the answer is yes, don’t be offended if your neighbor smells a little ripe or under their fingernails look like they have been digging in a mud pit.

Be a good neighbor – stay home and DON’T HOARD TOILET PAPER!

©Jack Linton, April 5, 2020

JL

Toilet Paper: The Key to Civilization (Including a Brief History)

As we learned recently, the key to our civilization is toilet paper.  With it, we are a civilized world superpower.  Without it, we crumble like a third world country into chaos.  When Americans are faced by a potential tragedy – hurricane, flood, or apocalypse – the first thing they reach for is toilet paper – not guns, potatoes, or the Bible – but toilet paper!  When did you last see panic driven hoarders frantically pushing grocery buggies full of guns, potatoes, or Bibles out of stores in the wake of an impending disaster?  Likely, never, but if you are not careful during an apocalyptic event, you will get run over by buggies piled high with toilet paper.  In America, toilet paper is the anchor that holds common sense in place.  Without toilet paper, Americas react like lemmings rushing over the edge of a cliff.

Some of us might think such behavior is ridiculous and shake our heads and point sadly, even angrily, at the folks who strip store shelves bare of toilet paper with no regard for anyone’s hygiene but their own.  We console ourselves with the delusion civilized people do not act that way; however, that is exactly how civilized people act.  One of the greatest differences between man and animals is the ability to wipe your rear, and in that difference lies the foundation of what we think of as civilization.  People housed in a civilized bubble often speak eloquently of embracing “all for one” and “one for all” as the foundation of civilization, but history bears the truth is actually closer to “all for self-preservation” and protecting the ability to wipe at all costs as the true foundations of civilization.  Therefore, before we get too upset with the actions of hoarders, maybe we should first slow down and realize they are actually doing their part to preserve civilization as we know it.

The number one use of toilet paper is wiping the bottom post-dumping.  There is nothing more civilized or personal.  When anything endangers our ability to wipe, people panic and rightfully so.  Have you ever finished your business in the bathroom and discovered the toilet paper roll was empty?  Unless a person is built in the mold of a saint, when that happens, they would not think twice of taking the last toilet tissue square from the hands of their mama or the saint for that matter.  There is nothing more frightening and uncivilized as getting stuck on the pot with no toilet paper!  Other than eating, wiping your bottom with toilet paper is the most essential task in a home, and frankly in a business, or on a cross country trip as well.  Americans can go days without eating, but a day without toilet paper is an end-of-time pestilence.  We use toilet paper to wipe our rear, blow our nose, line the toilet seat, stuff bras and pants, and roll yards.  No self-respecting teenager in America would dare be caught without at least one twelve pack of toilet paper in the trunk of the car in case of a rolling emergency.  So, let’s get real!  Toilet paper is the foundation of our existence as civilized people.  It is all that keeps us a notch above the animals.  Therefore, are we truly angry at the toilet paper hoarders, or are we simply pissed-off we did not get there first to do our part in saving civilization?

The good thing is eventually hoarding and toilet paper scarcities end and become a distant memory.  Like the origins of wiping, scooping, and washing, the latest chapter in waste management becomes little more than a footnote in history.  Until the next disaster threatens civilization as we know it and shelves of two ply then single ply toilet paper are once again wiped clean, life returns to normal.  Once normalcy is restored, the story of civilization and who first squeezed the Charmin matters only to history:

A Short History of Toilet Paper

• 1800 B.C. – The Mayans discovered the use of corn cobs as poop removers and their civilization was born.
• 200 A.D. – The first paper making process was developed in China not for writing but for wrapping and disposing of poo. Prior to that the Chinese used silk gloves to freshen up.
• 601 A.D. – Paper wrapped poo became a huge disposal issue in China. As a solution, in the 7^th century, The Great Wall of China was built using baked bricks of paper wrapped poo as building blocks, which proved to be extremely economical.
• 1300 A.D. – The Aztecs create the first perfumed corn cobs making it possible for large numbers of people to congregate in one area thereby making large cities more practical and livable.
• 1391 A.D. – Perfumed paper wipes, the first actual toilet paper, was created for the Chinese Emperor’s family. The resulting heavenly smell of the Emperor and his family gave rise to their status as gods.
• 1450 A.D. – Paper became widely available in Europe, so newspaper became a popular choice of toilet paper, which gave rise to the term “Yellow Journalism.”
• 1500 A.D. – The Spanish invaded Central America and with newspapers in short supply in the New World, there was a severe corn cob shortage, which had a dramatic impact on the Aztecs and led to the demise of their civilization.
• 1587 A.D. – The first commercially packaged toilet paper sheets were created by Joseph C. Gayetty. The toilet paper was medicated with aloe and Gayetty’s name was printed on each sheet.  This was the forerunner of today’s toilet paper with novelty printing.
• 1879 A.D. – Walter Alcock created perforated toilet paper on a roll instead of flat sheets, and Scott Paper Company sold the first toilet paper rolls. That same year Sargent Dixwell, Headmaster at Boston Latin School in Boston Massachusetts became the first headmaster/principal to have his house rolled with toilet paper.
• 1935 A.D. – The first splinter free toilet paper was invented by Northern Tissue. This new invention was praised by consumers but frowned on by manufacturers of underwear and tweezers.  Fewer tweezers and underwear were sold!  For the first time in history, there were no splinters when wiping nor did splinters rip and tear holes in undergarments.  Underwear using a thinner fabric that developed holes and tore easily was reintroduced several years later as a Christmas promotion by profit hungry undergarment companies.
• 1973 A.D. – The United States amid a gas and onion shortage had its first toilet paper shortage. Comedian Johnny Carson joked about toilet paper being the next shortage on The Tonight Show, and the next day shelves in stores across the nation were wiped clean as people went hysterical buying and hoarding toilet paper.  There is no record of people hoarding onions at the time.
• 2020 A.D. – Faced with the Coronavirus that attacked the respiratory system, Americans panicked and stripped stores of toilet paper. The connection to the respiratory system and the excretory system that led to the run on toilet paper is still being studied, but of course, we know the reason was to save civilization.

The history of toilet paper is a roadmap to man’s journey as a civilized human being.  As stated previously, the greatest difference between man and animals is the ability to wipe, and when that ability is threatened, mankind gives way to panic.  We are human beings, and as such, we will go to great lengths to protect the sanctity of our home and civilization, and if that means hoarding toilet paper at the expense of others, so be it.  We are the protectors of the porcelain throne and toilet paper is our banner flapping from under our skirt, from the heel of our shoe, the lump in our pants, and the swaying branch of a tree.  Take away toilet paper, America’s banner, and bring America to its knees.  Without toilet paper, we like the Aztecs cease to function as a civilized society.

See you in the history books.

©Jack Linton, April 1, 2020

JL